Picking up where our stalwart hero and mistress of burning things down left off, I am currently standing at the edge of a desolate, frozen lake, having just barely escaped the sinking mines after successfully killing the former guild-master. I have been tasked by one of the other Nightingales to take the key--It is a Special Key--back to where it belongs. It's some sort of god thing. She can't do it because she 'is afraid to'. "Also you're the protagonist, duh" she didn't say, but I can read between the lines.
Mount up Shadowmere! We must sally forth and-- yes, I'll wait.
Sorry, everyone. We have to wait for my horse to hunt down and murder every single fucking fox in the entire forest.
I don't know, he has a thing against foxes.
And we're off!
Just to round it all off, I have met the spirit of the dead guy who started this whole thing. He was thrilled to see that I had The Key so that everything could be returned to normal.
That's so sweet! Well, take it then!
Hahahahaha.
I keep forgetting that I'm the protagonist, which means that I do everything.
Some people would just hire help for this shit, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Okay, fine. I'll walk the bloody Pilgrim's Path and return The Key. But I won't like it!
Oh, good. Riddles. This gets more and more like Baldur's Gate.
Anyone who has played Baldur's Gate will know that I am giving Skyrim the highest praise possible.
I am searching through ruins that have not been disturbed in 25 years, and I have found a tomato. That's... okay, then.
I mean, I guess ghosts can store their fruit wherever they like.
I have over 22,000 gold and still I will stop and pick up three individual gold pieces off the ground. Skyrim has taught me that I'm a Scrooge.
So this part of the riddle tells me that I have to give something to this giant statue. Huh. Well, I have lots of things. I wonder what happens if I choose incorrectly?
Nothing happens. Disappointing.
IT IS MY DARK GODDESS!
I BOW BEFORE YOU, OH MISTRESS OF TWILIGHT!
YOU SURE SEEM TO BE PRETTY NUDE THOUGH.
NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING,YOU CAN BE AS NUDE AS YOU LIKE.
And that's it for me, the thieves guild is taken care of. What next?
While scrolling through my quest list, I noticed that I have a quest given to me by a madman. Uh, excuse me? Why haven't I started this one yet?
Onward!
A crazy old man wants me to break into the Imperial Palace to beg his master to come back from vacation. To help me, he has given me the hip bones of a dead guy. I'm excited!
Okay, I have broken into the unused section of the castle. Easy enough.
OH JEEZE IT'S BASKET HEAVEN.
Now I know where absolutely everyone in Skyrim stores their unused baskets.
What, wait. What? Who did the what, now?
I was standing in the middle of a dust old corridor, and now I'm standing in the middle of a forest clearing. There is a guy sitting at a table covered in food that... can I steal it?
I can.
Hold on, just one moment.
*burp*
This guy is ranting and raving and almost certainly a god of some kind.
Also his accent keeps changing between Irish and Scottish. A true mark of the mad!
He informed me that I am currently standing in the mental landscape of a dead, insane king.
Or an insane, dead king. I suppose it depends on which part you want to focus on.
Um.
Crazy god suggested that I use a Wabbajack to get out. While I was laughing at his joke he handed me a, well, a Wabbajack.
I am getting a really heavy Alice in Wonderland suggestion, here. If I run into a talking rabbit then I will kill it and eat it.
A test of wits, with my Wabbajack!
I want that to go on my gravestone, for the record.
The voice actor's line was 'harrumph' and he was going to be damned if he didn't say that exact word.
Have you ever heard a person SAY harrumph? Try it.
Hehehehe, it's a tiny little man.
Hehehehe, but he has a grown man's voice!
Hahahaha shut up crazy god, I'm busy talking to the little man.
There's no way to make that sequence any stranger. I am not totally convinced that it wasn't an after-affect of my new medication.
Side effects may include headache, drowsiness, and hallucinating that a man dressed like the Joker will ask you whether his beard is ready for travel.
Since I'm already in the Imperial City, I think I'll take the time to go and crash a party.
I got a guy drunk and convinced him to make a scene for me. Just like a real party.
"Sneak by all those guards" fuck you, I'll sneak when I wanna.
Besides, I haven't reached my quota of burning things yet today.
BACKSTAB BONUS MULTIPLYER, BITCHES!
Okay, so maybe I was sneaking a LITTLE.
What a supremely pointless quest. I snuck into a party, murdered some guards and looted a bunch of files just to learn that nobody has any clearer idea of what's going on than I do.
In fact, the notes I found were just the words "OH GOD A DRAGON" written over and over.
Now I have to go and find a crazy old man. My life is just filled with crazy old men right now.
These tunnels are simply crawling with evil elves who, by the way, do little to endear themselves to people.
They're trying to find the old man too. I have one thing they don't--a quest marker.
I convinced the man that I am the Dragonborn by telling him that I am the Dragonborn. These people are too trusting by half.
"After you, Dragonborn. You should have the honor of being the first to step into the temple." It's good to be the protagonist.
I'm going to stop this writeup here, since I'm doing a main story quest. I'll return when I'm setting up to be the leader of the bard's college.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Skyrim Has Eaten My Brain
So that write up of Fatal Frame, do you remember that? I certainly don't. Why? Because I've bought Skyrim! Yes, like many others before me, Skyrim has eaten what little spare time and willpower I have left. To compensate--and pretend like I'm useful--I've done a small post about it. A teaser, if you will.
~~
Skyrim, a fictional fantasy world filled with dragons. A person can be the hero of legend, the Dragonborn, able to use a secret lost magic that many thought dead, head of the assassin's guild, head of the thieves guild, or Arch-mage of the school of magic.
Sorry, did I say 'or'? I meant 'and' since I am all of those things.
Yes, I am the protagonist in a open-world RPG, which means that I am allowed to be the leader of all the things.
Luckily many of those positions don't require much in the way of administrative work, so I spend most of my time in the countryside killing bears.
To recap my recent escapades, I talked my way into a dwarven museum, killed half the guards and set a researcher's nephew on fire, all so I could get a peek at his research notes. I escaped by diving into a waterfall, stopping only to chat with the local blacksmiths.
SKYRIM!
The backstory to all of this is that the guildmaster of the thieves guild has done something shady, and I have to find out what, exactly, that thing was. It doesn't really matter, it's all in the interest of making me the guildmaster.
Skyrim hint number one: if you meet the head of an organization, don't trust or get too fond of them. You're going to be heading that organization soon, and the story demands their death in order for that to happen.
I am also the head of the assassin's guild, as I mentioned. The previous guildmaster caught on fire. It was unrelated to the sudden rash of everyone else in Skyrim catching on fire, which IS related to me.
Being guildmaster to the assassins means two things: I get a spectral assassin that follows me around, and I get a demonic horse.
I am wandering the countryside riding a horse with fiery eyes, followed by a ghost who constantly mutters to himself.
I am the epitome of blending in.
Oh, and sometimes my head disappears. Onwards!
Skyrim has just taught me how to pronounce the word 'sepulcher'. I've always wondered.
I am preparing to meet the double-double-cross agent in the... in the place where the thieves guild is? Huh. This bodes well.
Yeah, that is EXACTLY what she wants to do. "I think some of these people are beginning to suspect who I am" she muttered to me as I entered. No shit, you think?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Everybody just jam a brake up yer arse for a second here.
So I was peeking at some research notes because a guy who was murdered (not by me) (for once) left clues as to who and why he was murdered in his journal, but he wrote it in a language that is almost completely dead. Like latin, but spoken by weird gollum creatures.
At any rate, I found the translation guide and a friend of the double-double-cross agent (who is secretly good) that I'm working with translated it. Everybody with me so far?
Me either.
But the POINT is that this journal is unreadable, and that the only reason we know what it says is because someone has scrawled some notes on a sheet of paper, yeah?
Notes that don't NECESSARILY correlate to the actual diary. Notes that double-double-cross agent and I are CLAIMING correlate.
Yet we march into the thieves guild and everybody believes us straight away.
"Oh no! They have NOTES!"
It's immediately backed up by the fact that the vault was empty. Just like we said it would be! I mean, it's not like we could have emptied it...
Too trusting for thieves.
I love it when random people talk shit to me.
Did I forget to mention that I can say words that cause things to happen?
Like magic but LOUD.
FUS
RO
DAH
And all your cutlery is all over the floor.
I mean, not just cutlery. That would be a pretty useless dragon-language spell if all it did was disturb forks.
No, I am capable of disturbing the position of any number of items.
I am now tasked with breaking into the house of the (presumably former) thieves guildmaster to figure out where he's gone. This means finding a magical quill at the bottom of a lake so I can excuse the debt of the man who is guarding the house I'm trying to break into, so I can break into it.
SKYRIM!!
And the first thing that happened once I left the city is that a dragon attacked.
I FEAR NO WINGED BEAST.
But apparently some cat-people got singed (heh heh) by one of my fireball blasts, so then they attacked me.
Idiots. I was clearly in the middle of killing a dragon.
Well, no matter. They didn't remain stupid for long.
BECAUSE I KILLED THEM AND LOOTED THEIR CORPSES.
People in this game are just hungry for death.
"Oh it's the protagonist! Let's attempt to kill her. Say, does it look like I'm on fire to you?"
Okay, I have the release form from the lady, so I can go get the guard to leave. I'll just... and he's dead.
RELOAD.
Once more. I have the release form from the lady, so I can go get the guard to leave. I'll just go to the OTHER gate and talk to him. That's right. Come here, lad. There's a good boy.
And there are random bandits in the house. Well, were.
Do dee do do dee doo.
That's my lootin' song.
Huh. So it appears as if I'm being prepared to be inducted into a secret group that worships some sort of twilight god. I wonder if I should tell them about the other secret group I'm a part of? The one that worships the murder god.
Oh god, what if the gods met each other at a party!
SO EMBARRASSING.
"The dark elf Magdalene serves as my Listener, hearing my instructions through my earthly servant, the corpse of the beloved mother." "That's funny, I have a similar dark elf named Magdalene who is one of three members of my extremely secret worshipp... HEY!"
Oh, Magdalene, you cad.
Come Shadowmere! Let us ride to our secret induction. Try not the summon the demons of hell again, please.
I'm being inducted along with the thief who has a bad scottish accent. I like him.
"Active the Armor Stone."
Activate the Armor Stone.
Activate the Armor Stone?!
I suppose there's worse workarounds to the problem of 'this place has been locked up for centuries but somehow we'll still have armor for you'.
But ACTIVATE THE BLOODY ARMOR STONE?
Come on.
I think I like this cult better. At least it doesn't mean that I have to have conversations with a desiccated corpse.
Get on the ball, assassin god.
Welp, guess who's the guildmaster now.
All that's left to do is to hunt down the former guildmaster and stab him in the eyeballs.
The game doesn't say that directly. I inferred it.
Uh, Skyrim? What pissed in your cornflakes?
I hate the Falmer so much.
Falmer are subterranean elves that went so underground that they lost the ability to see. So they're gollums, but slightly more likely to sneer at your clothes.
AND I HATE THEM.
I have two companions for this quest. They keep getting stuck on the scenery.
GUYS. Come and help me with these spiders, please.
I'm your fearless leader, and I need help with these sp-sp-spiders.
Oh, nevermind. Turns out that wildly flinging fireballs at them while weeping does in fact work.
This chick is really interested in reminding me to stay as quiet as possible. Not as interested as she is in screaming at things, but...
NOCTURNAL TAKE YOU! I STRIKE AT YOU FROM THE SHADOWS! WOW, IS THAT AN ECHO?
ECHO-O-O-o-o-o-
AUGH GOD WHY IS THIS SO LONG
I did not record the trials of the vanishing save point, lest the reader be bored to tears. Suffice it to say that when I finally defeated former guildleader, it was with no small amount of pleasure.
FIREBALL TO THE FACE, BITCH.
I have been tasked with returning something to the night goddess I apparently worship now. After that whole dungeon, this subsection of quests STILL isn't finished?
Well I am. That's all for now.
~~
Skyrim, a fictional fantasy world filled with dragons. A person can be the hero of legend, the Dragonborn, able to use a secret lost magic that many thought dead, head of the assassin's guild, head of the thieves guild, or Arch-mage of the school of magic.
Sorry, did I say 'or'? I meant 'and' since I am all of those things.
Yes, I am the protagonist in a open-world RPG, which means that I am allowed to be the leader of all the things.
Luckily many of those positions don't require much in the way of administrative work, so I spend most of my time in the countryside killing bears.
To recap my recent escapades, I talked my way into a dwarven museum, killed half the guards and set a researcher's nephew on fire, all so I could get a peek at his research notes. I escaped by diving into a waterfall, stopping only to chat with the local blacksmiths.
SKYRIM!
The backstory to all of this is that the guildmaster of the thieves guild has done something shady, and I have to find out what, exactly, that thing was. It doesn't really matter, it's all in the interest of making me the guildmaster.
Skyrim hint number one: if you meet the head of an organization, don't trust or get too fond of them. You're going to be heading that organization soon, and the story demands their death in order for that to happen.
I am also the head of the assassin's guild, as I mentioned. The previous guildmaster caught on fire. It was unrelated to the sudden rash of everyone else in Skyrim catching on fire, which IS related to me.
Being guildmaster to the assassins means two things: I get a spectral assassin that follows me around, and I get a demonic horse.
I am wandering the countryside riding a horse with fiery eyes, followed by a ghost who constantly mutters to himself.
I am the epitome of blending in.
Oh, and sometimes my head disappears. Onwards!
Skyrim has just taught me how to pronounce the word 'sepulcher'. I've always wondered.
I am preparing to meet the double-double-cross agent in the... in the place where the thieves guild is? Huh. This bodes well.
Yeah, that is EXACTLY what she wants to do. "I think some of these people are beginning to suspect who I am" she muttered to me as I entered. No shit, you think?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Everybody just jam a brake up yer arse for a second here.
So I was peeking at some research notes because a guy who was murdered (not by me) (for once) left clues as to who and why he was murdered in his journal, but he wrote it in a language that is almost completely dead. Like latin, but spoken by weird gollum creatures.
At any rate, I found the translation guide and a friend of the double-double-cross agent (who is secretly good) that I'm working with translated it. Everybody with me so far?
Me either.
But the POINT is that this journal is unreadable, and that the only reason we know what it says is because someone has scrawled some notes on a sheet of paper, yeah?
Notes that don't NECESSARILY correlate to the actual diary. Notes that double-double-cross agent and I are CLAIMING correlate.
Yet we march into the thieves guild and everybody believes us straight away.
"Oh no! They have NOTES!"
It's immediately backed up by the fact that the vault was empty. Just like we said it would be! I mean, it's not like we could have emptied it...
Too trusting for thieves.
I love it when random people talk shit to me.
Did I forget to mention that I can say words that cause things to happen?
Like magic but LOUD.
FUS
RO
DAH
And all your cutlery is all over the floor.
I mean, not just cutlery. That would be a pretty useless dragon-language spell if all it did was disturb forks.
No, I am capable of disturbing the position of any number of items.
I am now tasked with breaking into the house of the (presumably former) thieves guildmaster to figure out where he's gone. This means finding a magical quill at the bottom of a lake so I can excuse the debt of the man who is guarding the house I'm trying to break into, so I can break into it.
SKYRIM!!
And the first thing that happened once I left the city is that a dragon attacked.
I FEAR NO WINGED BEAST.
But apparently some cat-people got singed (heh heh) by one of my fireball blasts, so then they attacked me.
Idiots. I was clearly in the middle of killing a dragon.
Well, no matter. They didn't remain stupid for long.
BECAUSE I KILLED THEM AND LOOTED THEIR CORPSES.
People in this game are just hungry for death.
"Oh it's the protagonist! Let's attempt to kill her. Say, does it look like I'm on fire to you?"
Okay, I have the release form from the lady, so I can go get the guard to leave. I'll just... and he's dead.
RELOAD.
Once more. I have the release form from the lady, so I can go get the guard to leave. I'll just go to the OTHER gate and talk to him. That's right. Come here, lad. There's a good boy.
And there are random bandits in the house. Well, were.
Do dee do do dee doo.
That's my lootin' song.
Huh. So it appears as if I'm being prepared to be inducted into a secret group that worships some sort of twilight god. I wonder if I should tell them about the other secret group I'm a part of? The one that worships the murder god.
Oh god, what if the gods met each other at a party!
SO EMBARRASSING.
"The dark elf Magdalene serves as my Listener, hearing my instructions through my earthly servant, the corpse of the beloved mother." "That's funny, I have a similar dark elf named Magdalene who is one of three members of my extremely secret worshipp... HEY!"
Oh, Magdalene, you cad.
Come Shadowmere! Let us ride to our secret induction. Try not the summon the demons of hell again, please.
I'm being inducted along with the thief who has a bad scottish accent. I like him.
"Active the Armor Stone."
Activate the Armor Stone.
Activate the Armor Stone?!
I suppose there's worse workarounds to the problem of 'this place has been locked up for centuries but somehow we'll still have armor for you'.
But ACTIVATE THE BLOODY ARMOR STONE?
Come on.
I think I like this cult better. At least it doesn't mean that I have to have conversations with a desiccated corpse.
Get on the ball, assassin god.
Welp, guess who's the guildmaster now.
All that's left to do is to hunt down the former guildmaster and stab him in the eyeballs.
The game doesn't say that directly. I inferred it.
Uh, Skyrim? What pissed in your cornflakes?
I hate the Falmer so much.
Falmer are subterranean elves that went so underground that they lost the ability to see. So they're gollums, but slightly more likely to sneer at your clothes.
AND I HATE THEM.
I have two companions for this quest. They keep getting stuck on the scenery.
GUYS. Come and help me with these spiders, please.
I'm your fearless leader, and I need help with these sp-sp-spiders.
Oh, nevermind. Turns out that wildly flinging fireballs at them while weeping does in fact work.
This chick is really interested in reminding me to stay as quiet as possible. Not as interested as she is in screaming at things, but...
NOCTURNAL TAKE YOU! I STRIKE AT YOU FROM THE SHADOWS! WOW, IS THAT AN ECHO?
ECHO-O-O-o-o-o-
AUGH GOD WHY IS THIS SO LONG
I did not record the trials of the vanishing save point, lest the reader be bored to tears. Suffice it to say that when I finally defeated former guildleader, it was with no small amount of pleasure.
FIREBALL TO THE FACE, BITCH.
I have been tasked with returning something to the night goddess I apparently worship now. After that whole dungeon, this subsection of quests STILL isn't finished?
Well I am. That's all for now.
Friday, November 11, 2011
One Sentence Synopsis: Silent Hill Homecoming
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Silent Hill: Homecoming: It Is Done.
The 'new game' on the title screen always amuses me. Haha Silent Hill! That will never happen.
So, Alex, if you can jump across that huge gap between buildings, why couldn't you FUCKING CLEAR THAT JUMP IN THE HELL HOTEL, HUH?
You thought you could distract me from the cult members sneaking up on me with the sounds of machinery, did you? WELL THINK AGAIN.
Bam bam, motherfuckers.
Seriously, this room is really loud. I really don't think this is up to OSHA standards.
Alex grunts like he's in a bad porn. C'mon Alex, just take your pants off.
Actually, don't. Please.
The streets have gotten a lot... oh, what's the word? Bitier? Yes.
I'm yet again in a cemetery. This wall wants to know if I'd like to breach it.
Hell yes!
Once more unto the breach, dear friends!
These smoke monsters should be used in anti-smoking PSAs.
"I'm dead. Don't smoke."
Health drink sitting on a dumpster. That's... healthy.
Maybe I have the wrong idea about all these things crawling out of the sewers.
"I heard you running past and I Wanted to pop out and see if OH GOD MY SKULL."
Just a big misunderstanding.
I am getting really, really discouraged by the fact that there is a prison level. Maybe it will secretly be good, like the sewer level.
Maybe.
Right?
Racist caricature is shouting at me over the walkie talkie again.
"WHERE ARE YOU?" "I'M IN CELL BLOCK B!" "OKAY YOU STAY THERE AND I'LL COME FIND YOU!" "OKAY I HOPE THEY DON'T GET ME BEFORE YOU DO!" "JUST LAY LOW!"
It's a match made in heaven.
Finally, found a map.
Would you look at this. Oh no, it's so huge!
Oh, sorry, I was looking through my porn collection again. Where was I?
What the fuck?
I shot a cult member in the head and apparently it caused him to defecate, because that was NOT the noise a dying man makes.
I really suspect the instructions to the foley artist for that were not "morning poo" but goddamn if he didn't have a vision.
Did I mention that the racist caricature is a cop? Because the game wants to make sure that you remember that.
A giant hell beast comes crashing through the ceiling. "You cuff him" intones my not-quite-politically-correct friend "and I'll read him his rights."
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I hate this game.
I'm a little relieved to find out that the morass of wires and switches isn't a puzzle that I have to solve, but a thing that only the racist caricature can control. I am less pleased that now he won't stop fucking talking to me.
A shower room!
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
Holy giant flesh spiders, Batman!
I really don't think this place is up to code.
I don't know how you managed to make a hell prison filled with horrors boring Homecoming, but kudos to you for the achievement.
Mom?
Come on mom, this isn't the time to be playing Jesus.
Little spoiler here: from this point forward, I'll be allowed to make a series of decisions that will affect the ending of the game. This is the first one: mom is tied to a rack, Torgo acting all over the place. Should I put her out of her misery, or let the hellish machine rip her apart while I hide in a corner and whimper?
Too late, I've already decided.
BULLET IN YOUR HEAD, MOM.
This is the one time where the descent into hell actually makes sense.
Is that a giant green booger in a cage?
No, I'm sorry. It's a giant green booger in a cage that is also a puzzle.
I think hell prison is actually tidier than the normal prison.
THE MAN WHO DEVISED IT
DOES NOT WANT IT
THE MAN WHO BOUGHT IT
DOES NOT USE IT
THE MAN WHO USED IT
DOES NOT REALIZE IT
Everybody, all together now!
IT'S A FUCKING COFFIN.
The next puzzle is gonna ask me what stands on four legs in the morning...
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Ewwwwwww!
Booger monster is dripping black blood into the hole I'm meant to jump in. I don't want to jump in that hole!
Alex and the fat man.
Squeeze through that tiny opening, fat man!
Yes, it's very comical.
Sorry, racist caricature is also fat.
Is
Is that
It is!
It's the human centipede!
Now I'm a little curious as to which came first.
Hahahahahahaha
Alex is riding the human centipede monster like he's at a fleshy rodeo.
Giddyup!
Oh good, I'm at the creepy Silent Hill brambles church.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE ISN'T IT WITH THE BRAMBLES AND SUCH
A man is in the confessional and mistakes me for a priest. Oh-ho, now we're a wacky 80s comedy.
Wait.
WAIT.
The man confesses that he had two sons--one that he treated well and one that he treated poorly. He treated the one son poorly to 'protect him from what must be done' and he wants forgiveness.
That's my dad, isn't it?
That's my dad and he was going to sacrifice me.
I KNEW IT WAS SOME FUCKING CULT THING.
I am slightly more inclined to believe that Alex is former military after he survived that two-story fall.
OH MY FUCKING GOD ALEX RUN
NO FUCKING
NO RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION
YOU MASSIVE DOUCHE RUN
Wait, maybe that wasn't dad. Here he is hanging from a railing.
Uuuuuuuuuh.
HAHAHAHAH
I FUCKING CALLED IT.
ALEX WASN'T IN THE MILITARY, HE WAS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.
HAHAHAHAHA actually that explains a lot.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit. Sorry dad!
Dad just got skewered by Pyramid Head.
Go and chase after Pyramid Head! He's contracted to appear in this at least three times.
These stairs never end. Do you remember Mario64, where the stairs up to Bowser would just go on and on unless you'd collected enough stars? I don't think Alex has collected enough stars.
Huh.
In previous Silent Hill games the motives behind the town--as a living entity, which it is--tended to be... well, not spelled out.
This game says fuck all that!
Yeah.
So the four founding members of the town of Shepherd's Glen made a pact with... something for their protection from the something that's in Silent Hill, where they came from. They were required, once every 50 years, to kill one of their children.
Fair enough, I suppose. I know I'd trust an entity that's agreed to protect me from evil by being slightly less evil.
Alex was supposed to be the sacrifice for his family, but his father couldn't do it. And that's when the... something from Silent Hill unleashed hell on the town?
So they all decided to go back to worshipping the... something from Silent Hill instead.
And then a bitchy lady stuck a drill in my leg.
It's okay, I returned the favour.
I was off by about four feet, though.
DRILL THROUGH THE SKULL.
A question for anyone who has played all of the Silent Hill games. Is the big evil thing in the town something that they accidentally mined up? Cause I'm really getting the sense that it's something they mined up.
Also this book rather explicitly told me.
The game has rewarded me for hoarding all my ammo and health items by stripping me of all my ammo and health items. Cheers!
So I'm in this underground cult place, yeah? It's all infested with cult members who I have to fight because they charge me when they see me and chase me around. They're not avoidable.
And all I have is a knife because the game is a cunt and has taken all my belongings from me. Scary, right?
When I target a cult member and quick attack it (A, A, A) he'll circle around me. The third quick attack knocks him back enough so he can't attack, and then it starts again.
stab, stab, stab, step back, stab, stab, stab
Until he's dead.
HORROR
TERROR
The best part? If there's two of them, the one you're not engaged with will stand back a bit.
"Oooooh, there's a bit of a fight here, what?"
It's Curtis the junkyard dude again! Hey Curtis!
Curtis, why are you menacing my ex-girlfriend with a rusty saw?
OOOOOOOOOOH.
Damn Curtis, I thought we had something special!
Curtis went to the same training camp as the other cult members.
Saw blades can't protect you from my killer moves, Curtis!
Stab, stab, stab
I've rescued annoying ex-girlfriend. That means there are many more door puzzles in my future.
Yeeeeeeeup.
HOT WHEEL TURNING ACTION.
Ex-girlfriend doesn't follow me into certain rooms. Like, you know, the room where I shoved a drill through her mom's skull.
That'd make the 'thank god we didn't die' sex really awkward.
RACIST CARICATURE!!
ooooooooh jeez. Um. Should I... should I pull those knives out or... jeez.
The game gives me the option of saving him or leaving him to his grisly fate. I elected to save him. Now he won't stop gurgling.
Jesus dude, I gave you a whole medkit. what else do you want?
I've tasked annoying ex to take care of racist caricature while I go and rescue Josh, the ungrateful whoreson.
"Be careful" she whispers "I can't lose you too."
I nod, knowingly.
Yeah baby, I know it.
Body bags! Body bags! What do you think's in these body bags! Is it dead! Bodies or... not.
To be sung to the tune of Spiderman, duh.
I've entered what is clearly a chamber of some sort.
Sorry, a Chamber.
DUN DUN DUUUUN
Wait a moment. I'm in Silent Hill, right? These are the infamous Silent Hill mines. So why is there a chamber dedicated to the Shepherd's Glen founding members?
I mean, they left the town and needed to be protected from the horrible gods of Silent Hill. Wouldn't they be thought of as cast-outs?
It's the Exposition Chamber.
Boy, Alex sure gets into a lot of places with that ceremonial knife. You wouldn't think they'd just leave that laying around.
Alex, why is it taking you so long to read this plaque?
And you're using your forefinger to trace the... oh, Alex.
Illiteracy is nothing to be ashamed of.
Flashback time!
Oh.
OH.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
Alex killed Josh.
Josh is dead.
Fuck.
Well, I was half right.
Also, good. Little brat.
I think it's the final boss!
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?
It's a baby with mechanical spider legs.
I give up. Show's over. There's nothing worse than this.
It's a fucking baby with mechanical fucking spider legs.
This is the most boring, idiotic, abysmal, repetitive boss fight that ever existed.
God didn't give you a dodge button so you could douche around, Alex.
Oh, I'm sorry. It wasn't a giant baby. It was a pregnant baby. And it gave birth to Josh.
Um, are you just gonna leave your brother's corpse there, Alex?
Litterbug.
So, um.
So Alex mentions to loads of people throughout the game that he's there to save Josh. Did no one think to remind him that Josh was murdered?
By, you know, him?
It doesn't matter because he limps off into the grey fog with annoying ex-girlfriend!
And I, for some reason, unlocked the Big Rig Alex costume.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Gay jokes!
The end.
So, Alex, if you can jump across that huge gap between buildings, why couldn't you FUCKING CLEAR THAT JUMP IN THE HELL HOTEL, HUH?
You thought you could distract me from the cult members sneaking up on me with the sounds of machinery, did you? WELL THINK AGAIN.
Bam bam, motherfuckers.
Seriously, this room is really loud. I really don't think this is up to OSHA standards.
Alex grunts like he's in a bad porn. C'mon Alex, just take your pants off.
Actually, don't. Please.
The streets have gotten a lot... oh, what's the word? Bitier? Yes.
I'm yet again in a cemetery. This wall wants to know if I'd like to breach it.
Hell yes!
Once more unto the breach, dear friends!
These smoke monsters should be used in anti-smoking PSAs.
"I'm dead. Don't smoke."
Health drink sitting on a dumpster. That's... healthy.
Maybe I have the wrong idea about all these things crawling out of the sewers.
"I heard you running past and I Wanted to pop out and see if OH GOD MY SKULL."
Just a big misunderstanding.
I am getting really, really discouraged by the fact that there is a prison level. Maybe it will secretly be good, like the sewer level.
Maybe.
Right?
Racist caricature is shouting at me over the walkie talkie again.
"WHERE ARE YOU?" "I'M IN CELL BLOCK B!" "OKAY YOU STAY THERE AND I'LL COME FIND YOU!" "OKAY I HOPE THEY DON'T GET ME BEFORE YOU DO!" "JUST LAY LOW!"
It's a match made in heaven.
Finally, found a map.
Would you look at this. Oh no, it's so huge!
Oh, sorry, I was looking through my porn collection again. Where was I?
What the fuck?
I shot a cult member in the head and apparently it caused him to defecate, because that was NOT the noise a dying man makes.
I really suspect the instructions to the foley artist for that were not "morning poo" but goddamn if he didn't have a vision.
Did I mention that the racist caricature is a cop? Because the game wants to make sure that you remember that.
A giant hell beast comes crashing through the ceiling. "You cuff him" intones my not-quite-politically-correct friend "and I'll read him his rights."
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I hate this game.
I'm a little relieved to find out that the morass of wires and switches isn't a puzzle that I have to solve, but a thing that only the racist caricature can control. I am less pleased that now he won't stop fucking talking to me.
A shower room!
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
Holy giant flesh spiders, Batman!
I really don't think this place is up to code.
I don't know how you managed to make a hell prison filled with horrors boring Homecoming, but kudos to you for the achievement.
Mom?
Come on mom, this isn't the time to be playing Jesus.
Little spoiler here: from this point forward, I'll be allowed to make a series of decisions that will affect the ending of the game. This is the first one: mom is tied to a rack, Torgo acting all over the place. Should I put her out of her misery, or let the hellish machine rip her apart while I hide in a corner and whimper?
Too late, I've already decided.
BULLET IN YOUR HEAD, MOM.
This is the one time where the descent into hell actually makes sense.
Is that a giant green booger in a cage?
No, I'm sorry. It's a giant green booger in a cage that is also a puzzle.
I think hell prison is actually tidier than the normal prison.
THE MAN WHO DEVISED IT
DOES NOT WANT IT
THE MAN WHO BOUGHT IT
DOES NOT USE IT
THE MAN WHO USED IT
DOES NOT REALIZE IT
Everybody, all together now!
IT'S A FUCKING COFFIN.
The next puzzle is gonna ask me what stands on four legs in the morning...
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Ewwwwwww!
Booger monster is dripping black blood into the hole I'm meant to jump in. I don't want to jump in that hole!
Alex and the fat man.
Squeeze through that tiny opening, fat man!
Yes, it's very comical.
Sorry, racist caricature is also fat.
Is
Is that
It is!
It's the human centipede!
Now I'm a little curious as to which came first.
Hahahahahahaha
Alex is riding the human centipede monster like he's at a fleshy rodeo.
Giddyup!
Oh good, I'm at the creepy Silent Hill brambles church.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE ISN'T IT WITH THE BRAMBLES AND SUCH
A man is in the confessional and mistakes me for a priest. Oh-ho, now we're a wacky 80s comedy.
Wait.
WAIT.
The man confesses that he had two sons--one that he treated well and one that he treated poorly. He treated the one son poorly to 'protect him from what must be done' and he wants forgiveness.
That's my dad, isn't it?
That's my dad and he was going to sacrifice me.
I KNEW IT WAS SOME FUCKING CULT THING.
I am slightly more inclined to believe that Alex is former military after he survived that two-story fall.
OH MY FUCKING GOD ALEX RUN
NO FUCKING
NO RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION
YOU MASSIVE DOUCHE RUN
Wait, maybe that wasn't dad. Here he is hanging from a railing.
Uuuuuuuuuh.
HAHAHAHAH
I FUCKING CALLED IT.
ALEX WASN'T IN THE MILITARY, HE WAS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.
HAHAHAHAHA actually that explains a lot.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit. Sorry dad!
Dad just got skewered by Pyramid Head.
Go and chase after Pyramid Head! He's contracted to appear in this at least three times.
These stairs never end. Do you remember Mario64, where the stairs up to Bowser would just go on and on unless you'd collected enough stars? I don't think Alex has collected enough stars.
Huh.
In previous Silent Hill games the motives behind the town--as a living entity, which it is--tended to be... well, not spelled out.
This game says fuck all that!
Yeah.
So the four founding members of the town of Shepherd's Glen made a pact with... something for their protection from the something that's in Silent Hill, where they came from. They were required, once every 50 years, to kill one of their children.
Fair enough, I suppose. I know I'd trust an entity that's agreed to protect me from evil by being slightly less evil.
Alex was supposed to be the sacrifice for his family, but his father couldn't do it. And that's when the... something from Silent Hill unleashed hell on the town?
So they all decided to go back to worshipping the... something from Silent Hill instead.
And then a bitchy lady stuck a drill in my leg.
It's okay, I returned the favour.
I was off by about four feet, though.
DRILL THROUGH THE SKULL.
A question for anyone who has played all of the Silent Hill games. Is the big evil thing in the town something that they accidentally mined up? Cause I'm really getting the sense that it's something they mined up.
Also this book rather explicitly told me.
The game has rewarded me for hoarding all my ammo and health items by stripping me of all my ammo and health items. Cheers!
So I'm in this underground cult place, yeah? It's all infested with cult members who I have to fight because they charge me when they see me and chase me around. They're not avoidable.
And all I have is a knife because the game is a cunt and has taken all my belongings from me. Scary, right?
When I target a cult member and quick attack it (A, A, A) he'll circle around me. The third quick attack knocks him back enough so he can't attack, and then it starts again.
stab, stab, stab, step back, stab, stab, stab
Until he's dead.
HORROR
TERROR
The best part? If there's two of them, the one you're not engaged with will stand back a bit.
"Oooooh, there's a bit of a fight here, what?"
It's Curtis the junkyard dude again! Hey Curtis!
Curtis, why are you menacing my ex-girlfriend with a rusty saw?
OOOOOOOOOOH.
Damn Curtis, I thought we had something special!
Curtis went to the same training camp as the other cult members.
Saw blades can't protect you from my killer moves, Curtis!
Stab, stab, stab
I've rescued annoying ex-girlfriend. That means there are many more door puzzles in my future.
Yeeeeeeeup.
HOT WHEEL TURNING ACTION.
Ex-girlfriend doesn't follow me into certain rooms. Like, you know, the room where I shoved a drill through her mom's skull.
That'd make the 'thank god we didn't die' sex really awkward.
RACIST CARICATURE!!
ooooooooh jeez. Um. Should I... should I pull those knives out or... jeez.
The game gives me the option of saving him or leaving him to his grisly fate. I elected to save him. Now he won't stop gurgling.
Jesus dude, I gave you a whole medkit. what else do you want?
I've tasked annoying ex to take care of racist caricature while I go and rescue Josh, the ungrateful whoreson.
"Be careful" she whispers "I can't lose you too."
I nod, knowingly.
Yeah baby, I know it.
Body bags! Body bags! What do you think's in these body bags! Is it dead! Bodies or... not.
To be sung to the tune of Spiderman, duh.
I've entered what is clearly a chamber of some sort.
Sorry, a Chamber.
DUN DUN DUUUUN
Wait a moment. I'm in Silent Hill, right? These are the infamous Silent Hill mines. So why is there a chamber dedicated to the Shepherd's Glen founding members?
I mean, they left the town and needed to be protected from the horrible gods of Silent Hill. Wouldn't they be thought of as cast-outs?
It's the Exposition Chamber.
Boy, Alex sure gets into a lot of places with that ceremonial knife. You wouldn't think they'd just leave that laying around.
Alex, why is it taking you so long to read this plaque?
And you're using your forefinger to trace the... oh, Alex.
Illiteracy is nothing to be ashamed of.
Flashback time!
Oh.
OH.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
Alex killed Josh.
Josh is dead.
Fuck.
Well, I was half right.
Also, good. Little brat.
I think it's the final boss!
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?
It's a baby with mechanical spider legs.
I give up. Show's over. There's nothing worse than this.
It's a fucking baby with mechanical fucking spider legs.
This is the most boring, idiotic, abysmal, repetitive boss fight that ever existed.
God didn't give you a dodge button so you could douche around, Alex.
Oh, I'm sorry. It wasn't a giant baby. It was a pregnant baby. And it gave birth to Josh.
Um, are you just gonna leave your brother's corpse there, Alex?
Litterbug.
So, um.
So Alex mentions to loads of people throughout the game that he's there to save Josh. Did no one think to remind him that Josh was murdered?
By, you know, him?
It doesn't matter because he limps off into the grey fog with annoying ex-girlfriend!
And I, for some reason, unlocked the Big Rig Alex costume.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Gay jokes!
The end.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Silent Hill: Homecoming: Will My Torment Ever End?
For continuity, the first post can be found here
The second post can be found here
And the third post here
So in my last play through the split face monsters--who, thankfully, don't look like vaginas--swarmed around me and beat me up and called me several unflattering names. It's now a month later. Have the wounds healed enough?
I think I've purposely forgotten how to play this game.
So these monsters can rip me in half. I'm actually impressed by that.
Run run run run RUN
The feeling of terror inspired by a creepy atmosphere and terrifying imagery has been replaced by the feeling of terror inspired by the fear that I'm going to die and have to redo this frankly impossible section. Those two are basically the same thing, right?
Mini-boss time! It's a giant lumbering mish-mash of random body parts. When you kill it, you get an achievement called "Shades of James". Ha-ha!
Oooooh man, it's funny when developers attempt to improve their shitty game by constantly referencing superior games.
Now annoying ex-girlfriend is with me. She has a gun, right? Or a knife? She's capable of defending herself. This isn't a escort mission, right?
Okay, now she's cowering. This doesn't bode well.
Has anyone played Half-Life 2? Do you remember Alyx Vance, who will kill the zombies for you as you shine your torch on them? Annoying ex-girlfriend in this game does something similar. If the zombies attack her--and they do--then she'll cower helplessly and whimper. Yay!
Do not think I won't just leave this bitch to die.
Also, she's carrying around a stack of missing persons flyers. You know what? In a town overrun by hell, I'm not sure the missing people would be my first concern.
I wonder where the people are! Well, taken away by the hell demons, I imagine. Speaking of which, what's up with that?
There's a hole in the wall with dead people sticking out of it. I understand that this is creepy, but it looks like someone was attempting to excavate dead people from the walls.
Maybe I've been playing too much minecraft.
"Oooooh, nice vein of dead people right here. Anybody bring an iron pickaxe?"
I had to leave her and go find another gate to go through. I bet she's tweeting about it right now.
"N the sewers lol hop I dun die :))))"
Alex, every time you grunt like an ape when you're just stepping up a small incline, a nearby hell-beast has an orgasm.
Did the army teach you to make so much noise all the damn time, you lumbering hippo?
I just restarted a section because I didn't use my bullets effectively. See, this is engaging gameplay!
Spider monster out of nowhere! That was genuinely scary, I jumped and everything!
Can it be? Is the game redeeming itself in the sewer level?
A giant, placid, grey, underground lake. Worrisome.
If this game ends up becoming really good, then what will I do?
The only monster that's getting tossed at me are the spider monsters, which are difficult but not impossible. I am feeling a warmth in my black heart.
A giant crypt room with holes in the walls. Ominous.
And annoying ex-girlfriend gets stuck in a room by herself again. Idiot.
You know what? I'm going to let that one go, game. It's a perfectly reasonable move to make to seperate characters, and it projects the fact that there's probably a battle coming up. Okay? But only this once.
THREE SPIDERS YOU ASSHOLE WHAT?
Hahahaha, it turns out that they can't reach me if I stand on the derelict car. I'm the king of the world!
Wait, false alarm. Still Alex.
And they topped it off with one of those body creatures, who still can't reach me on the car. Hahahahahaha!
Growing out the back of this creature is a pair of lady's legs. Are they... are they wearing ballet shoes?
Oh god, I think they are.
I'm in the post-hell invasion landscape of this ruined town, and I still can't bring myself to walk anywhere but the sidewalk.
I'm such a good citizen.
This also means I've emerged from the sewers. Will the game continue it's not that bad streak?
HEEEEEEEEEEEY racist caricature is still alive! HEEEEEEEY and annoying ex-girlfriend has been dragged off by demons! Looks like the good streak continues.
It's the mysterious Doctor Finch! Dripping blood and limping along. That seems reasonable.
Alex sees that the doctor is carrying a rusty scalpel and is covered in blood. He naturally assumes that the doctor has hurt his ex-girlfriend. In a town filled with demons?
Alex isn't the brightest bulb in the box.
One, two, three, four, five sexy nurses! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Fuck you game.
I used all my bullets for the sexy nurses.
What just happened?
He opens a box, finds a doll, and faints.
Oh, and now we're in hell.
And theeeeere's Josh. I'm starting to notice a trend in this game.
So I'm in a hospital, in hell. Gosh, that seems familiar.
Also this game's version of hell seems more like a smelting factory.
The demons make cross beams for high-rises. When they're not invading sleepy Pennsylvania towns, they have a quota to reach.
Playing this level makes me realize something: Somebody has watched the Silent Hill movie.
At any moment I'll pass by a window. Through it I will see Sean Bean sitting at a table, drinking a coffee. He'll look up, wave, and turn into Pyramid Head.
That's when the dancing starts.
Josh running away from me in hell count: 3.
Even the most dedicated brother would shoot him at this point.
Just in the back of the leg, you know? Slow him down a little.
You're really not changing my opinion of the whole smelting thing here, game.
Satan's the foreman. He'll shout at me over the din of the machinery.
"Ain't seen no kids around here, son. You best be off, now."
Satan is a good foreman. Tough, but fair.
He pushes his hard hat back on his head as a quivering vagina monster with teeth slinks by in the background.
The vagina monster's on break. Don't worry.
"The exit?" he says, surprised "It's just past the puzzle with the rusted fans, through the door that screams while you cut it open."
#NaNoWriMo2011
Josh running away from me in hell count: 4
In case it isn't obvious, absolutely nothing is happening in this game right now.
I spoke too soon.
Doctor Fitch is kneeling in an empty room, cutting himself. I offer to patch him up. "I don't want your help!" he hisses "These wounds cannot heal."
You know what? I laughed at that.
Oh shit!
That's gonna leave a mark.
Boss battle! So each boss is the hellish representation of a child of one of the prominent townsfolk, right? This one is a demon doll. The daughter loved dolls. Do you get it?
Subtle.
I really have to watch this cutscene multiple times just so I can get to the boss that keeps killing me. I may never be able to look a pair of boxer briefs in the eye again.
Y-you know what I mean.
DIE BITCH
AAAAAAAAAAAUGH
I finished the boss battle with literally the minimum required amount of health left. Time to run away from everything.
Run away! Run away! Run away!
AAAAAH SAVE POINT
I died immediately after saving, and when I restarted I was given half my life back. Thanks, game. I guess you don't have to suck all of my balls.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this a cult thing?
I found a ceremonial knife and some ancient texts. This is a cult thing, isn't it?
Something about asking forgiveness from the city founders. I have never been so into a city that I've been willing to join a devil cult over it.
Maybe I'm missing a lot by not attending the city council meetings.
"Next on our agenda is the issue of who gets to preside over the virgin sacrifice."
Vote Paul Smith for mayor, and he won't have your children ripped to pieces by monsters.
I made my way through a maze that ended in a sparse office underneath a tomb. Life has gotta suck for that secretary.
"Oh, you know, the pay is good, but I come home every day smelling like corpses."
"And then I woke up last night and the cat was trying to eat my face."
"...of course, he's a cat so it's hard to tell if that's abnormal."
I'm just casually running past all the monsters now.
"Morning smog monster!" "Morning Alex! How's the family?" "Still dead!"
And I'm back in the cemetary. Brilliant. I'm going to need a beer for this.
I've finally made it back home. Mom is still sitting in that chair. The game won't let me shoot her.
All of the hidden doors in this series are covered by empty bookshelves. I guess cultists all use the same interior designers.
I can't avoid saying it any longer. Everyone in this game has chiclet teeth.
Fuck you game, a sliding puzzle?
Fuuuuuuck yooooooh wait I solved it.
Huh.
So mom was kidnapped by gasmask wearing dudes. As they were trying to leave the house, we entered hell.
I've never actually seen anyone besides the protagonist enter hell before.
They looked pretty pissed about it too.
My house has turned into a hell foundry.
The secret to what happens after we die is that we all become blue-collar workers.
AIEEEEE
That is a pretty elaborate hell chandelier, actually.
Forget the puzzles, I'm really digging that chandelier. Very post-industrial modern.
I mean, you wouldn't want to hang it just anywhere. It would have to be a really open space, for one.
Oh, right, Silent Hill.
Great. Of all the puzzle houses, mine has to be the worst.
Hehehe, that monster was stabbed in the butt.
There's a lot of vaguely sinister writing on the walls in hell. I wonder if some demon has that job.
"Okay Timinour, and today you're on graffiti duty." "Oh but Sataaaaaaan."
I am free from hell. YAY!
And there's the ex-girlfriend. GOD DAMN IT.
That's it. We're going to Silent Hill.
Dun dun DUUUUN.
Now, let's discuss a little Silent Hill history. In Silent Hill 2 towards the end of the game, James has to row across the fog-covered lake to get to the hotel. It's easily the creepiest, most genuinely horrifying part of the game--you, the player, are rowing across this desolate lake after being literally to hell and back, no sound but your oars hittig the water. With each stroke, you become more convinced that a horrible demon that you're ill prepared to fight is going to come rising up out of the water. In THIS game, we're taking a police boat across the lake towards Silent Hill--the apex of all evil, remember?--and we get a cutscene where Alex and and his ex flirt a bit. See the difference?
And in this absolutely not at all scary cutscene, the suspicion actually pays off when we get attacked by gas masks again. Good job!
Alex takes a punch pretty well, right up to the point where he rolls into the water. Good one, Alex!
Hey Alex, why don't you yell some more? I bet the gas mask wearing cult members are having a really difficult time finding you.
Racist caricature and annoying ex-girlfriend are both in prison, but for some reason racist caricature hasn't had his walkie talkie lifted off him. That makes it really handy for Alex, who likes to broadcast where he is every single step of the way.
"I'M AT THE PRISON GATE! IT'S LOCKED! I NEED TO FIND THE BACK ENTRANCE! I'LL SNEAK AROUND THERE!"
Cheers, mate.
Oh my god.
This game has twice directly referenced the Silent Hill movie.
I spit upon you, ptui ptui.
Edit: on this second to last Silent Hill Homecoming post, I want to take the opportunity to announce that I am planning on doing a series of video game story posts. To that end, I would like to announce the winner of the "Which Game Is Alisa Going To Inflict Upon Herself Next?" poll.
Drum roll please.
It's... FATAL FRAME II!
Woooooo.
The second post can be found here
And the third post here
So in my last play through the split face monsters--who, thankfully, don't look like vaginas--swarmed around me and beat me up and called me several unflattering names. It's now a month later. Have the wounds healed enough?
I think I've purposely forgotten how to play this game.
So these monsters can rip me in half. I'm actually impressed by that.
Run run run run RUN
The feeling of terror inspired by a creepy atmosphere and terrifying imagery has been replaced by the feeling of terror inspired by the fear that I'm going to die and have to redo this frankly impossible section. Those two are basically the same thing, right?
Mini-boss time! It's a giant lumbering mish-mash of random body parts. When you kill it, you get an achievement called "Shades of James". Ha-ha!
Oooooh man, it's funny when developers attempt to improve their shitty game by constantly referencing superior games.
Now annoying ex-girlfriend is with me. She has a gun, right? Or a knife? She's capable of defending herself. This isn't a escort mission, right?
Okay, now she's cowering. This doesn't bode well.
Has anyone played Half-Life 2? Do you remember Alyx Vance, who will kill the zombies for you as you shine your torch on them? Annoying ex-girlfriend in this game does something similar. If the zombies attack her--and they do--then she'll cower helplessly and whimper. Yay!
Do not think I won't just leave this bitch to die.
Also, she's carrying around a stack of missing persons flyers. You know what? In a town overrun by hell, I'm not sure the missing people would be my first concern.
I wonder where the people are! Well, taken away by the hell demons, I imagine. Speaking of which, what's up with that?
There's a hole in the wall with dead people sticking out of it. I understand that this is creepy, but it looks like someone was attempting to excavate dead people from the walls.
Maybe I've been playing too much minecraft.
"Oooooh, nice vein of dead people right here. Anybody bring an iron pickaxe?"
I had to leave her and go find another gate to go through. I bet she's tweeting about it right now.
"N the sewers lol hop I dun die :))))"
Alex, every time you grunt like an ape when you're just stepping up a small incline, a nearby hell-beast has an orgasm.
Did the army teach you to make so much noise all the damn time, you lumbering hippo?
I just restarted a section because I didn't use my bullets effectively. See, this is engaging gameplay!
Spider monster out of nowhere! That was genuinely scary, I jumped and everything!
Can it be? Is the game redeeming itself in the sewer level?
A giant, placid, grey, underground lake. Worrisome.
If this game ends up becoming really good, then what will I do?
The only monster that's getting tossed at me are the spider monsters, which are difficult but not impossible. I am feeling a warmth in my black heart.
A giant crypt room with holes in the walls. Ominous.
And annoying ex-girlfriend gets stuck in a room by herself again. Idiot.
You know what? I'm going to let that one go, game. It's a perfectly reasonable move to make to seperate characters, and it projects the fact that there's probably a battle coming up. Okay? But only this once.
THREE SPIDERS YOU ASSHOLE WHAT?
Hahahaha, it turns out that they can't reach me if I stand on the derelict car. I'm the king of the world!
Wait, false alarm. Still Alex.
And they topped it off with one of those body creatures, who still can't reach me on the car. Hahahahahaha!
Growing out the back of this creature is a pair of lady's legs. Are they... are they wearing ballet shoes?
Oh god, I think they are.
I'm in the post-hell invasion landscape of this ruined town, and I still can't bring myself to walk anywhere but the sidewalk.
I'm such a good citizen.
This also means I've emerged from the sewers. Will the game continue it's not that bad streak?
HEEEEEEEEEEEY racist caricature is still alive! HEEEEEEEY and annoying ex-girlfriend has been dragged off by demons! Looks like the good streak continues.
It's the mysterious Doctor Finch! Dripping blood and limping along. That seems reasonable.
Alex sees that the doctor is carrying a rusty scalpel and is covered in blood. He naturally assumes that the doctor has hurt his ex-girlfriend. In a town filled with demons?
Alex isn't the brightest bulb in the box.
One, two, three, four, five sexy nurses! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Fuck you game.
I used all my bullets for the sexy nurses.
What just happened?
He opens a box, finds a doll, and faints.
Oh, and now we're in hell.
And theeeeere's Josh. I'm starting to notice a trend in this game.
So I'm in a hospital, in hell. Gosh, that seems familiar.
Also this game's version of hell seems more like a smelting factory.
The demons make cross beams for high-rises. When they're not invading sleepy Pennsylvania towns, they have a quota to reach.
Playing this level makes me realize something: Somebody has watched the Silent Hill movie.
At any moment I'll pass by a window. Through it I will see Sean Bean sitting at a table, drinking a coffee. He'll look up, wave, and turn into Pyramid Head.
That's when the dancing starts.
Josh running away from me in hell count: 3.
Even the most dedicated brother would shoot him at this point.
Just in the back of the leg, you know? Slow him down a little.
You're really not changing my opinion of the whole smelting thing here, game.
Satan's the foreman. He'll shout at me over the din of the machinery.
"Ain't seen no kids around here, son. You best be off, now."
Satan is a good foreman. Tough, but fair.
He pushes his hard hat back on his head as a quivering vagina monster with teeth slinks by in the background.
The vagina monster's on break. Don't worry.
"The exit?" he says, surprised "It's just past the puzzle with the rusted fans, through the door that screams while you cut it open."
#NaNoWriMo2011
Josh running away from me in hell count: 4
In case it isn't obvious, absolutely nothing is happening in this game right now.
I spoke too soon.
Doctor Fitch is kneeling in an empty room, cutting himself. I offer to patch him up. "I don't want your help!" he hisses "These wounds cannot heal."
You know what? I laughed at that.
Oh shit!
That's gonna leave a mark.
Boss battle! So each boss is the hellish representation of a child of one of the prominent townsfolk, right? This one is a demon doll. The daughter loved dolls. Do you get it?
Subtle.
I really have to watch this cutscene multiple times just so I can get to the boss that keeps killing me. I may never be able to look a pair of boxer briefs in the eye again.
Y-you know what I mean.
DIE BITCH
AAAAAAAAAAAUGH
I finished the boss battle with literally the minimum required amount of health left. Time to run away from everything.
Run away! Run away! Run away!
AAAAAH SAVE POINT
I died immediately after saving, and when I restarted I was given half my life back. Thanks, game. I guess you don't have to suck all of my balls.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this a cult thing?
I found a ceremonial knife and some ancient texts. This is a cult thing, isn't it?
Something about asking forgiveness from the city founders. I have never been so into a city that I've been willing to join a devil cult over it.
Maybe I'm missing a lot by not attending the city council meetings.
"Next on our agenda is the issue of who gets to preside over the virgin sacrifice."
Vote Paul Smith for mayor, and he won't have your children ripped to pieces by monsters.
I made my way through a maze that ended in a sparse office underneath a tomb. Life has gotta suck for that secretary.
"Oh, you know, the pay is good, but I come home every day smelling like corpses."
"And then I woke up last night and the cat was trying to eat my face."
"...of course, he's a cat so it's hard to tell if that's abnormal."
I'm just casually running past all the monsters now.
"Morning smog monster!" "Morning Alex! How's the family?" "Still dead!"
And I'm back in the cemetary. Brilliant. I'm going to need a beer for this.
I've finally made it back home. Mom is still sitting in that chair. The game won't let me shoot her.
All of the hidden doors in this series are covered by empty bookshelves. I guess cultists all use the same interior designers.
I can't avoid saying it any longer. Everyone in this game has chiclet teeth.
Fuck you game, a sliding puzzle?
Fuuuuuuck yooooooh wait I solved it.
Huh.
So mom was kidnapped by gasmask wearing dudes. As they were trying to leave the house, we entered hell.
I've never actually seen anyone besides the protagonist enter hell before.
They looked pretty pissed about it too.
My house has turned into a hell foundry.
The secret to what happens after we die is that we all become blue-collar workers.
AIEEEEE
That is a pretty elaborate hell chandelier, actually.
Forget the puzzles, I'm really digging that chandelier. Very post-industrial modern.
I mean, you wouldn't want to hang it just anywhere. It would have to be a really open space, for one.
Oh, right, Silent Hill.
Great. Of all the puzzle houses, mine has to be the worst.
Hehehe, that monster was stabbed in the butt.
There's a lot of vaguely sinister writing on the walls in hell. I wonder if some demon has that job.
"Okay Timinour, and today you're on graffiti duty." "Oh but Sataaaaaaan."
I am free from hell. YAY!
And there's the ex-girlfriend. GOD DAMN IT.
That's it. We're going to Silent Hill.
Dun dun DUUUUN.
Now, let's discuss a little Silent Hill history. In Silent Hill 2 towards the end of the game, James has to row across the fog-covered lake to get to the hotel. It's easily the creepiest, most genuinely horrifying part of the game--you, the player, are rowing across this desolate lake after being literally to hell and back, no sound but your oars hittig the water. With each stroke, you become more convinced that a horrible demon that you're ill prepared to fight is going to come rising up out of the water. In THIS game, we're taking a police boat across the lake towards Silent Hill--the apex of all evil, remember?--and we get a cutscene where Alex and and his ex flirt a bit. See the difference?
And in this absolutely not at all scary cutscene, the suspicion actually pays off when we get attacked by gas masks again. Good job!
Alex takes a punch pretty well, right up to the point where he rolls into the water. Good one, Alex!
Hey Alex, why don't you yell some more? I bet the gas mask wearing cult members are having a really difficult time finding you.
Racist caricature and annoying ex-girlfriend are both in prison, but for some reason racist caricature hasn't had his walkie talkie lifted off him. That makes it really handy for Alex, who likes to broadcast where he is every single step of the way.
"I'M AT THE PRISON GATE! IT'S LOCKED! I NEED TO FIND THE BACK ENTRANCE! I'LL SNEAK AROUND THERE!"
Cheers, mate.
Oh my god.
This game has twice directly referenced the Silent Hill movie.
I spit upon you, ptui ptui.
Edit: on this second to last Silent Hill Homecoming post, I want to take the opportunity to announce that I am planning on doing a series of video game story posts. To that end, I would like to announce the winner of the "Which Game Is Alisa Going To Inflict Upon Herself Next?" poll.
Drum roll please.
It's... FATAL FRAME II!
Woooooo.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sherlock Holmes and the No Good, Very Bad Day
In this special, super, fun, exciting, fantastic... hold on, let me get my thesaurus.
...THRILLING Halloween blog post, I was torn between playing more Silent Hill: Homecoming or going back to my Sherlock Holmes roots. What ultimately decided me is that I absolutely despise Silent Hill: Homecoming, and Sherlock Holmes is great.
Tonight we're going to tackle The Adventure of the Sussex Vampire, in true horror fashion. There's a twist—any time anything happens that makes me roll my eyes, I'm going to raid my daughter's candy bag.
So.
Sherlock Holmes, just like every other person, is suffering the ill effects of a depressed economy: he hasn't had a proper case in months. I mean yes, it certainly gives him plenty of time to be dour and attractive, but cocaine and tobacco don't exactly buy themselves. On the brink of joining the Occupy Wall Street movement—Occupy Canary Wharf, I suppose—he accepts a case involving vampirism. Can you imagine? I'm breaking out the tent just thinking about it.
He receives a letter from a solicitor's office, explaining that they had received a request from what is presumably a client of theirs, concerning vampires. Being a solicitor's office, they naturally forwarded the letter on to Holmes, and then sat in their office and stared at the wall for a while.
Holmes' reaction, being Holmes, is to scoff at the concept of supernatural beliefs and then immediately ask Watson to research vampires for him.
As they're discussing the necessity of taking a case that hinges on such an idiotic concept—and arguing about how they're going to buy dinner, I assume—Holmes realizes that he has a second letter, written by the gentlemen who, for some reason, asked a fucking lawyer for help with vampires.
Warning: the rest of this story has just so, so much racism in it.
The gentleman in question is writing on behalf of his 'friend'. I'm not sure why so many people in Holmes stories come to him needing help for a 'friend' when any small amount of research would make it obvious that they are talking about themselves. You know, the sort of research that a detective would do, over the course of attempting to solve a case. The case that they brought to him.
The story could essentially end with the letter, as Holmes basically solves the case and then uses it as an excuse to wander around Sussex for a while. This man has married a Peruvian woman, and in a letter that he is writing to a stranger (while he is pretending that he is writing about a 'friend') he admits that he is possibly not so much in love with his wife as he once was, given that she is foreign and all. I am not making this up.
“The lady was very beautiful, but the fact of her foreign birth and alien religion always caused a separation of interests and feelings between husband and wife, so that after a time his love may have cooled towards her, and he may have come to regard their union as a mistake.”
Fantastic! Really, you would think that this is the sort of thing that two people would hammer out before marrying and having a child, but who am I to say? After all, she is a pretty lady.
In this charming household of ill-disguised disharmony and contempt, there is a small baby and an older son, from a previous marriage. The older son was crippled due to an illness as a child, and subsequently can walk, but not well. And his father was recently remarried to a younger, attractive woman and now has a perfect, beautiful baby in the house? Okay, then.
The wife, in her scary foreign ways, has twice been discovered sucking at the baby's neck—where there is a large, unexplained wound—when no one else is around. The house is in a state over this, as can be imagined, especially given that she refuses to explain why she would do something so very creepy. Her husband decides that the only reasonable explanation is that she is a vampire. She is, after all, foreign, and probably has a suspicious accent.
Also she looks like this.
Based on these glittering qualifications, Holmes decides to take the case. Now, the majority of the story is Watson writing about how scary and spooky and ethereal the wife looks, in all her vampire glory, so let's just go ahead and establish that there are no vampires in Sussex. I mean, there might be vampires in Sussex now, I can't really say. Nor am I interested. Please don't send me your pamphlets. But there aren't any vampires in this particular house in Sussex—just a scared lady, her racist husband, several maids that either talk too much or not nearly enough, an extremely confused baby, and a surly teenager. Have you guessed yet? In addition, they learn that the teenager is completely devoted to his father, but absolutely despises and is despised by his step-mother. Really? Are you getting it?
Holmes and Watson make their way to Cheeseman's... wait, what? Is that really what this village is called?
There's even a Mount Cheeseman in New Zealand. Brilliant!
Anyway, they make their way to this absolutely not hilariously named village in order to have a poke around and stare at the local signs a bit. Holmes talks to the maids and talks to the villagers and talks to the teenager and talks to the fucking cows and it's the older son, all right?
The older son has been shooting—shooting, mind you, with a dart gun—poisoned darts at his newly born rival in an attempt to secretly off him.
The mother, as mothers are wont to do, instead of telling anyone or anything like that, would then turn around and suck the poison out of her baby and occasionally beat the ever-living shit out of her step-son. This is the perfectly reasonable and logical explanation to this case, as a counter-point to the cah-razy idea that some lady is a vampire. Poisoned darts.
As a happy end to this tale, the wife comes clean and admits that she is a selfless, though clearly not english speaking victim, the husband is... well, the same as ever, and young surly teenager is, on Holmes' suggestion, shipped off to sea for a year. To cure him.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Things That Make My Head Hurt: Hercules
Most people know three things about Hercules: that he was incredibly strong, that he was tasked to do a series of labors for some reason, and that a load of women followed him around, inexplicably singing gospel music at him.
Hercules is one of those iconic characters, a lot like Sherlock Holmes; everyone knows who is he, but nobody really knows anything about him. I suspect that this is for a very good reason.
So check it.
Hercules was the son of Zeus, the main dude of the Gods. Zeus had a real problem keeping his junk in his pants, so he had quite a few children running around--but for some reason, this particular child annoyed his wife, Hera, the very most. You'd think after a while that she'd just get used to it, but who can fathom the depths of a woman? Also Hera was Zeus' sister, which makes me a little cautious to accept that fancy dress party invitation from the ancient greeks.
At any rate, Zeus boned Alcmene--try saying that three times fast--and Hercules was born. I know I'm trying to focus on this origin story, but Alcmene also happened to be Zeus' great-granddaughter. What the fuck, ancient greeks? What the fuck.
Right, sorry, Hercules. Born. Giant baby. Zeus, for whatever reasons that will only be known to him, decided to allow the baby to feed from Hera--who I guess just happened to be lactating at the time?--while she was sleeping, so maybe that explains why she has a rod up her ass about the whole Hercules thing. This little scheme allowed Hercules to become partially immortal, which, you know? I guess kind of makes sense. At least one thing in this story does.
Hercules goes back to live on earth, and Hera decides that she doesn't have anything better to do than kill a baby, so she sends some snakes after him. Now, look, I'm not saying I want Hera to succeed in killing Hercules any more than the next person, but she is an immortal goddess. He is a dude that can lift things. She never, ever, EVER manages to kill him.
Look, I'm going to belabor this point for a minute. Hera once turned a woman into a crane for claiming that she was the most beautiful person on earth. She once blinded a dude for agreeing with Zeus over her. She turned a lady into turtle for not showing up at a wedding. A TURTLE. And yet the best she could do with the small child that she despised over all other things was to sick some snakes on him and, I guess, hide in a corner and cackle to herself.
The snakes thing doesn't work, shockingly, and Hercules grows up to be The Strongest Man Alive(tm). A lot of various things happen--I don't intend to even start on the Labours of Hercules--but the most important part is that he marries a woman named Megara.
Hey, Disney fans, you remember Megara, right? Smart, sassy, unwilling consort of the devil. The Disney movie spends a lot of time detailing the rise and fall of their relationship, right up to the point where Hercules learns to be Selfless(tm) and Kind(tm) and then everyone rides Pegasus off into the sunset. PEGASUS BELONGED TO BELLEROPHONE YOU TWAthe majority of the Disney story is cut from whole cloth, except for the fact that A) Megara existed and B) She had a uterus. She was actually the daughter of the king of Thebes, given to Hercules for doing a terribly good job either lifting something or killing something. She dutifully bore him two children, which he MURDERED HAHAHAHA.
Yeah. Hera, who has plenty of time to up the game on her killin' step-children, decides to drive Hercules mad for a while. Just general insanity. In the throes of his insanity, Hercules murders his wife and two children. Oopsie. Not exactly a heart-warming end to that tale.
In order to atone for his guilt, Hercules agrees to do a series of tasks, which eventually is known as the 12 Labours of Hercules. Hera goes off to figure out how to, I dunno, turn Hercules' best friend into a toad or something, and all is well.
~~~
Postscript: After Alcmene births Hercules, she ends up marrying a dude who also happens to be one of Zeus' sons. Haha! No, I'm sorry ancient greeks, I'm going to be busy EVERY weekend. Yeah, even that one.
So check it.
Hercules was the son of Zeus, the main dude of the Gods. Zeus had a real problem keeping his junk in his pants, so he had quite a few children running around--but for some reason, this particular child annoyed his wife, Hera, the very most. You'd think after a while that she'd just get used to it, but who can fathom the depths of a woman? Also Hera was Zeus' sister, which makes me a little cautious to accept that fancy dress party invitation from the ancient greeks.
At any rate, Zeus boned Alcmene--try saying that three times fast--and Hercules was born. I know I'm trying to focus on this origin story, but Alcmene also happened to be Zeus' great-granddaughter. What the fuck, ancient greeks? What the fuck.
Right, sorry, Hercules. Born. Giant baby. Zeus, for whatever reasons that will only be known to him, decided to allow the baby to feed from Hera--who I guess just happened to be lactating at the time?--while she was sleeping, so maybe that explains why she has a rod up her ass about the whole Hercules thing. This little scheme allowed Hercules to become partially immortal, which, you know? I guess kind of makes sense. At least one thing in this story does.
Hercules goes back to live on earth, and Hera decides that she doesn't have anything better to do than kill a baby, so she sends some snakes after him. Now, look, I'm not saying I want Hera to succeed in killing Hercules any more than the next person, but she is an immortal goddess. He is a dude that can lift things. She never, ever, EVER manages to kill him.
Look, I'm going to belabor this point for a minute. Hera once turned a woman into a crane for claiming that she was the most beautiful person on earth. She once blinded a dude for agreeing with Zeus over her. She turned a lady into turtle for not showing up at a wedding. A TURTLE. And yet the best she could do with the small child that she despised over all other things was to sick some snakes on him and, I guess, hide in a corner and cackle to herself.
The snakes thing doesn't work, shockingly, and Hercules grows up to be The Strongest Man Alive(tm). A lot of various things happen--I don't intend to even start on the Labours of Hercules--but the most important part is that he marries a woman named Megara.
Hey, Disney fans, you remember Megara, right? Smart, sassy, unwilling consort of the devil. The Disney movie spends a lot of time detailing the rise and fall of their relationship, right up to the point where Hercules learns to be Selfless(tm) and Kind(tm) and then everyone rides Pegasus off into the sunset. PEGASUS BELONGED TO BELLEROPHONE YOU TWAthe majority of the Disney story is cut from whole cloth, except for the fact that A) Megara existed and B) She had a uterus. She was actually the daughter of the king of Thebes, given to Hercules for doing a terribly good job either lifting something or killing something. She dutifully bore him two children, which he MURDERED HAHAHAHA.
Yeah. Hera, who has plenty of time to up the game on her killin' step-children, decides to drive Hercules mad for a while. Just general insanity. In the throes of his insanity, Hercules murders his wife and two children. Oopsie. Not exactly a heart-warming end to that tale.
In order to atone for his guilt, Hercules agrees to do a series of tasks, which eventually is known as the 12 Labours of Hercules. Hera goes off to figure out how to, I dunno, turn Hercules' best friend into a toad or something, and all is well.
~~~
Postscript: After Alcmene births Hercules, she ends up marrying a dude who also happens to be one of Zeus' sons. Haha! No, I'm sorry ancient greeks, I'm going to be busy EVERY weekend. Yeah, even that one.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Beauty and the Beast makes my head hurt
We'll take a break from our regularly scheduled stupid horror game post, and have a chat about Beauty and the Beast. I'm going to start out by doing something that I don't normally do: link you to the text.
Here it is. The story's short, and worth a read, which is another way of saying that this fairy tale is so fucked up that you have to read it.
Now like most people, the only thing I knew about Beauty and the Beast was the Disney version, where Beauty is clearly suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
I've seen the Disney version of Hercules, so I know that Disney is capable of committing some pretty horrific editing atrocities in the interest of selling cute plastic toys
so I wasn't expecting the Disney version to be the definitive one. Still, the back story seemed solid: the Beast is a horrible, loathsome prince who doesn't show an old lady any kindness. She reveals herself to be an enchantress—because duh—and the prince is cursed to become a beast until such time where he can feel love, and be loved in return. His entire castle is also transformed along with him since, you know, the enchantress already had her wand out and everything; and since this was apparently a small and insignificant kingdom and everyone's family members were dead from the plague, nobody realized what happened for many years. Fine.
So what's different about the original version? Well, everything, for a start. The story is centered mostly around Beauty and her two miserable sisters. Beauty's real name is never given, since she is apparently so beautiful that she's nicknamed Beauty—It is a real kindness to her that she wasn't born with a cleft palate, I'll tell you what—and none of the other characters are named at all because fuck them.
Beauty is not only beautiful, but also gentle and kind—the text is a little unclear here, but it seems to indicate that Beauty was kind because she was beautiful, which is definitely contrary to my experience. The other two sisters are always spoken of together, so we'll call them The Sisters; in addition, there's the rich merchant who fathered them all, and three brothers who basically don't exist. Mom's dead, and she's the luckiest of the group. In fact, I'm renaming this Beauty's Mom: The Dead One, because she definitely happily ever aftered, even if she wasn't alive.
So Beauty is perfect and The Sisters are vain and jealous, and everyone is just sitting around waiting for the merchant to lose all his belongings so this story will get started. Once he finally does they all pack up and move from the city to the country, which, really? Who wouldn't want a nice little cottage out in the country? Fucking hell.
And here's the first part that seemed a little strange to me.
“ In the beginning she found it very difficult, for she had not been used to work as a servant; but in less than two months she grew stronger and healthier than ever. After she had done her work, she read, played on the harpsichord, or else sung whilst she spun. On the contrary, her two sisters did not know how to spend their time; they got up at ten, and did nothing but saunter about the whole day, lamenting the loss of their fine clothes and acquaintance. “
First off, how does this family own a harpsichord? I know I'm focusing on the less glaring aspect of that paragraph, but really? You've lost everything in the stock market crash, and somehow you haven't sold your harpsichord? Well, obviously Beauty needs something to practice on. I bet she plays beautifully too, the twat. Also, since The Sisters are planning on just moping around all day, 10 seems like a fairly early rise time for them. Cut some slack.
Okay, right. Let's highlight it again
“In the beginning she found it very difficult, for she had not been used to work as a servant”
Right, I get that they were a very wealthy family and so cleaning would have been naturally relegated to the servants, but... well, shouldn't this be written “she found it very difficult, for she had not been used to work as a normal human being”? It's sort of acting like the only two classes of people are those who do work for others and those who have work done for them. In fact, remember that part where they lost all their money and had to go and live in the forest? Yeah, I don't think this story was written by a commoner, you guys.
Everyone slaves away for a while, being normal and acting like most people have to act, and then dad finds out that a missing ship has come to port with a load of his belongings on it! Oh man, dad, this is the perfect excuse for you to get lost in the woods and meet with a mysterious monster. Dad agrees and sets off, his head filled with requests from The Sisters for finery and things. You'd think that everyone would just encourage The Sisters to stay in bed all day and spare them all the trouble, but I suppose the internet hadn't been invented yet. Beauty, being so beautiful and kind and wise and helpful and hardworking, doesn't ask for anything at all—except a single red rose, to avoid making her sisters look badly. Yeah. It says that.
“ Not that Beauty cared for a rose, but she asked for something, lest she should seem by her example to condemn her sisters' conduct, who would have said she did it only to
look particular.”
Two things: one, if your sisters are asking for the Maltese Falcon and you only ask for a rose, you're probably not doing your best to avoid looking like you're being really condescending to them. And two, the text makes a huge deal about what a voracious reader Beauty was, whiling away her time devouring all manner of novels. I don't believe it. Why? Because if Beauty were truly a reader, what she would have asked for would have been a book.
So Pops makes it into town and for one reason or another is unable to make any money off his waterlogged belongings, so he heads back home. On the way he gets lost, and finds himself in an enchanted courtyard. He gets everything—food, a place to rest, plenty of clothes to wear—and on the way out decides to take a single rose for Beauty.
And for the first time in this story, the Beast appears. And he flips the fuck OUT.
"You are very ungrateful, (said the
beast to him, in a terrible voice) I have saved your life by receiving
you into my castle, and, in return, you steal my roses, which I value
beyond any thing in the universe; but you shall die for it; I give you
but a quarter of an hour to prepare yourself, to say your prayers."
The merchant begs for his life, and the Beast agrees to spare it, as long as the merchant sends a daughter in his place. Oh, and then gives him a load of gold. Passive-aggressive much? It's almost like he'd be the perfect companion for Bea... oh. Right.
Beauty decides to take her father's place, because of course she does, and eventually finds out that the Beast just plans on her living there for the rest of her life. He doesn't want to harm her at all. He just wants to look at her.
"Beauty, (said the
monster,) will you give me leave to see you sup?"
Oh wow. Oh WOW.
“ when he said to her, "Beauty, will you be my wife?" She was some
time before she durst answer; for she was afraid of making him angry, if
she refused. At last, however, she said, trembling, "No, Beast."
Immediately the poor monster began to sigh, and hissed so frightfully,
that the whole palace echoed. But Beauty soon recovered her fright, for
Beast having said, in a mournful voice, "then farewell, Beauty," left
the room; and only turned back, now and then, to look at her as he went out"
Ooooooh WOW. Somebody's read The Game.
What's the best part? The best part is that Beauty spends 3 months in this castle before anything happens, and the Beast asks her to marry him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Every single night! And even though she thinks the Beast is wonderful and kind and sweet and gentle, she can't bring herself to marry him because he is a horrible beast.
It's a good thing the gentle, sweet, kind, thoughtful, intelligent Beauty was also born beautiful. Yep.
The Beast finally agrees to let Beauty go back to her home, just to see her father for a week. In this time, her sisters have found some wealthy gentlemen to marry them. Great!
" They were both of them very
unhappy. The eldest had married a gentleman, extremely handsome indeed,
but so fond of his own person, that he was full of nothing but his own
dear self, and neglected his wife. The second had married a man of wit,
but he only made use of it to plague and torment every body, and his
wife most of all."
Oh.
The agreement is that Beauty can spend a week with her family and then must return immediately to the Beast. The Sisters decide to derail her plans because she had the audacity to come home all dressed up and shit—that bitch—and because the both of them are stupid and have forgotten that they hated having Beauty around.
What's their big plan? To be nice to her until she agrees to stay two weeks. GASP. Just go ahead and assume this crackerjack idea works, because it does. Even though Beauty has the ability to return to the castle AT ANY TIME, INSTANTLY she doesn't go back to tell him that she's staying an extra week or anything, no no. No, the deformed animal that asks her to marry him every fucking night will certainly understand when she doesn't show up.
After 10 days, Beauty has an awful dream that the Beast is dying, and finally decides to return to the castle. She wakes up in her normal bed, and then spends the day to herself. You know, getting some alone time.
“She put on one of her richest suits to please him, and waited
for evening with the utmost impatience; at last the wished-for hour
came, the clock struck nine, yet no Beast appeared. “
Oh shit, maybe she shouldn't have spent so much time playing solitaire. That's how it gets you!
And here is the best part of this story. THE BEST FUCKING PART.
"You forgot your promise, and I was
so afflicted for having lost you, that I resolved to starve myself; but
since I have the happiness of seeing you once more, I die satisfied."
BAM MOTHERFUCKER, NICE GUY THREATENING SUICIDE.
Oh man. Oooooh man. Someone forgot to tell the Beast that women don't like men who pretend to be their friends and emotionally blackmail them into liki-
"No, dear Beast, (said Beauty,) you must not die; live to be my husband;
from this moment I give you my hand, and swear to be none but yours.”
Fuck it.
~~
Postscript: So what's the Beast's real backstory? Well...
“a wicked fairy had condemned me to remain under that shape
till a beautiful virgin should consent to marry me: the fairy likewise
enjoined me to conceal my understanding; there was only you in the world
generous enough to be won by the goodness of my temper; and in offering
you my crown, I can't discharge the obligations I have to you."
Why? Well, it doesn't really matter because she comes back and turns Beauty's two sisters into stone statues. Teehee!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Silent Hill: Homecoming: Return of the Jedi
First post can be found here
And the second post, here
Well here we are again
It's always such a pleasure
Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
so instead of a genuinely fun game like Portal, I'm playing Silent Hill: Homecoming. I get to redo an hour's worth of gameplay because of some goddamned, bitchy nurses. Bitches.
Oh great, I forgot that hole-in-the-door woman went to the same acting school as mom.
"I wonder who slept in this bed last" I gotta be honest with you buddy, that would be the last thing I would be thinking about in a mouldering, demon infested hotel.
Must be that military training.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
I have played through the same part 3 times. FUCK this game.
I have finally gotten some pistol ammunition, so I can take care of these ladies like God intended.
WITH BULLETS
You don't fool me with your sexy walk, evil demon nurses.
SAVE POINT SAVE POINT
oh man save point, will you marry me? Ours is a pure, wholesome love.
So after all that, hole-in-the-door lady gives me a key and says thanks. Uh, really?
Can't a former marine get some love?
What's behind mystery door number 3?!
It's Josh. Fucking brat.
So you're telling me after years of military training, not only can Alex not clear that jump, he doesn't possess the upper body strength to hoist himself out of a hole?
The secret ending is that Alex's 'military service' was all a scam to get some VA benefits.
"I wonder what I've fallen into?" I-it's a dining room, Alex. There are chairs and tables and plates. Okay? It is clearly a dining room.
Alex, are you sure you should be wandering around without a caregiver or something?
That's Mayor Bartlett?
Huh.
Oh, oops. Bye-bye Mayor Bartlett.
Oh Alex, Jesus can't protect you now.
This giant, clearly-a-boss-monster is very giant and screeching, but what I don't understand is: why is he vomiting up black tar?
Yup, that's the one thing that stands out to me.
Now pardon me while I hide in the closet and cry.
I killed the monster, and it fell down a giant, unending hole. Huh. Wonder what that symbolizes.
OH JESUS FUCKING SAVIOUR CHRISTING HELL ALEX ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO STAND BY THE GIANT GATEWAY TO HELL?
hurr durr hurr
Maybe this game will surprise me, and Alex won't fall down the h--...nevermind.
Twat. Twat. Idiot. Useless twat.
I woke up in a jail cell. In walks a racist caricature. YAY.
The racist caricature let me out when I told him that the mayor had been killed by a creature. YAY.
Uh, sir? There's a giant bloodstain on the floor? Sir?
...
YAY.
I have no weapons. There's growling. Oh god. Where the fuck are my weapSAVE POINT.
We have to stop meeting like this, save point.
And start meeting like THIS.
Racist caricature died pretty quickly. Ah well. We hardly knew ye.
New creatures! The achievement I get is Split Personality. DUDE I AM SO CALLING IT, ALEX DOESN'T REALLY EXIST.
And the second post, here
Well here we are again
It's always such a pleasure
Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
so instead of a genuinely fun game like Portal, I'm playing Silent Hill: Homecoming. I get to redo an hour's worth of gameplay because of some goddamned, bitchy nurses. Bitches.
Oh great, I forgot that hole-in-the-door woman went to the same acting school as mom.
"I wonder who slept in this bed last" I gotta be honest with you buddy, that would be the last thing I would be thinking about in a mouldering, demon infested hotel.
Must be that military training.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
I have played through the same part 3 times. FUCK this game.
I have finally gotten some pistol ammunition, so I can take care of these ladies like God intended.
WITH BULLETS
You don't fool me with your sexy walk, evil demon nurses.
SAVE POINT SAVE POINT
oh man save point, will you marry me? Ours is a pure, wholesome love.
So after all that, hole-in-the-door lady gives me a key and says thanks. Uh, really?
Can't a former marine get some love?
What's behind mystery door number 3?!
It's Josh. Fucking brat.
So you're telling me after years of military training, not only can Alex not clear that jump, he doesn't possess the upper body strength to hoist himself out of a hole?
The secret ending is that Alex's 'military service' was all a scam to get some VA benefits.
"I wonder what I've fallen into?" I-it's a dining room, Alex. There are chairs and tables and plates. Okay? It is clearly a dining room.
Alex, are you sure you should be wandering around without a caregiver or something?
That's Mayor Bartlett?
Huh.
Oh, oops. Bye-bye Mayor Bartlett.
Oh Alex, Jesus can't protect you now.
This giant, clearly-a-boss-monster is very giant and screeching, but what I don't understand is: why is he vomiting up black tar?
Yup, that's the one thing that stands out to me.
Now pardon me while I hide in the closet and cry.
I killed the monster, and it fell down a giant, unending hole. Huh. Wonder what that symbolizes.
OH JESUS FUCKING SAVIOUR CHRISTING HELL ALEX ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO STAND BY THE GIANT GATEWAY TO HELL?
hurr durr hurr
Maybe this game will surprise me, and Alex won't fall down the h--...nevermind.
Twat. Twat. Idiot. Useless twat.
I woke up in a jail cell. In walks a racist caricature. YAY.
The racist caricature let me out when I told him that the mayor had been killed by a creature. YAY.
Uh, sir? There's a giant bloodstain on the floor? Sir?
...
YAY.
I have no weapons. There's growling. Oh god. Where the fuck are my weapSAVE POINT.
We have to stop meeting like this, save point.
And start meeting like THIS.
Racist caricature died pretty quickly. Ah well. We hardly knew ye.
New creatures! The achievement I get is Split Personality. DUDE I AM SO CALLING IT, ALEX DOESN'T REALLY EXIST.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Silent Hill: Homecoming: Part 2
Edit: The first post can be found here
Let's begin again!
Where we left off last: mom's catatonic, the mayor is obviously a monster in a human suit, and the main character is almost likely a figment of the creepy child's imagination. Smashing.
Hmmm, it appears as if I'm waiting on a scripted event of some kind. Guess that means I get to walk back into every single room!
Great, now I'm in a cemetary. This day just gets better and better.
Hellofanservice devil dogs!
Pyramid Head shows up, doesn't he? Fuck.
I'm not particularly frightened of Pyramid Head, I'm just not understanding how he fits in the theme of this iteration.
We've got vagina face, sexy nurses, devil dogs... in a game that focuses around two sons and an overbearing military father. If you can't figure out how to make monsters based off a military obsession mixed with a father that witholds love, then I don't know how to help you.
But a fear of women mixed with an attraction to women DOES NOT WORK.
Unless soldier boy here is secretly attracted to his mum.
...I will apologize if the main character is secretly attracted to his mum.
Health drink in the middle of a cemetary. Not complaining.
What is a health drink, anyway? I'm rather picturing a bottle of Naked Juice that's not yet out of date. Alex picks it up and thinks "YES, I love green machine."
Having considered it, I have also decided that I will apologize if one of the enemies turns out to be a military airplane made of skin with angry eyes.
This cemetary is crawling with foley artists.
That inside out dog really did not like my throat.
"Climb down" man, fuck you
no I will not climb down into a nest of bugs
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
There sure are a lot of graves in this cemetary. Depressing.
Thought for later: cemetaries could use more fairground games.
I JUST WANT THE CEMETARY BIT TO BE OVER BEFORE THE SKELETONS HAPPEN
oh god now everyone knows that I am unnecessarily afraid of living skeletons.
THANK GOD FINALLY
Alex is looking for his missing little brother, Joshua. Alex just passed a dumpster and commented that something 'smelled like it had died'. Uh.
Not to be morbid, but maybe you should check in that dumpster, dude.
Well well well, it's Alex's ex-girlfriend. Sexy!
Oh christ.
How long is this extremely awkward conversation going to continue?
blah blah blah blah just give me the walkie talkie. Your subtext of betrayed hurt doesn't bother me.
I'M BATMAN!
Wait, no, I'm still Alex. False alarm.
"There's a lot of stuff piled here. I guess Curtis isn't expecting visitors." well, or Curtis is protecting himself from the legions of skin dogs. Also, who the hell is Curtis?
Oh.
THAT'S Curtis.
You're pretty sure that gun is broken, Alex. You were in the military, and you're PRETTY sure that gun is broken?
Oh god Alex, at least hold the gun like you know what you're doing with it.
What are you going to do, pistol whip all the demons to death?
You know what? I think I'm going to need to see some military ID or something.
Okay, so you have a walkie talkie, you have military training. Impress me.
"Hello?" Okay, or just keep being Alex.
Holy shit, soundtrack, calm down.
What, have you got NIN playing back there or something?
Alex isn't comfortable hunting demons unless he has With Teeth on repeat.
So I have to go... back into the cemetary?
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
New monster time! I am grateful that it isn't a vagina monster.
coffin rumbling coffin rumbling WHY IS THE COFFIN RUMBLING
OH GOD A MONSTER'S GOING TO POP OUT AND it's a watch
There's a watch in a coffin.
Maybe it's a DEMON WATCH?
Actually it is a demon watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in Silent Hill. It is... well, it's not that much different from Shepherd's Glen, really.
Silent Hill has new and exciting doors that refuse to open for me.
I like that the map helpfully points out which doors won't open. Cheers, mate.
Aw shit.
Come on thankfully not a vagina monster, why you gotta play me like that?
Why does the elevator make a squelching noise?
I hate this game.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS
ARGH I HATE THIS GAME
I have found a hole in a door that has a lady's voice. She seems nice. I think we're dating.
and there's Pyramid Head!
CALLED IT
He walked over, stared at me in a way that made it obvious that he saw me, and then walked off.
And 100 fanboys just orgasmed.
Here's a new enemy--a flesh spider. And spiders are mentioned at one point in the game. We'll count that as a viable metaphor.
WE HAVE VIABLE METAPHOR, REPEAT, VIABLE METAPHOR
Oh good I got swarmed by nurses that can't be blocked
YAY
FUCK THIS
Let's begin again!
Where we left off last: mom's catatonic, the mayor is obviously a monster in a human suit, and the main character is almost likely a figment of the creepy child's imagination. Smashing.
Hmmm, it appears as if I'm waiting on a scripted event of some kind. Guess that means I get to walk back into every single room!
Great, now I'm in a cemetary. This day just gets better and better.
Hello
Pyramid Head shows up, doesn't he? Fuck.
I'm not particularly frightened of Pyramid Head, I'm just not understanding how he fits in the theme of this iteration.
We've got vagina face, sexy nurses, devil dogs... in a game that focuses around two sons and an overbearing military father. If you can't figure out how to make monsters based off a military obsession mixed with a father that witholds love, then I don't know how to help you.
But a fear of women mixed with an attraction to women DOES NOT WORK.
Unless soldier boy here is secretly attracted to his mum.
...I will apologize if the main character is secretly attracted to his mum.
Health drink in the middle of a cemetary. Not complaining.
What is a health drink, anyway? I'm rather picturing a bottle of Naked Juice that's not yet out of date. Alex picks it up and thinks "YES, I love green machine."
Having considered it, I have also decided that I will apologize if one of the enemies turns out to be a military airplane made of skin with angry eyes.
This cemetary is crawling with foley artists.
That inside out dog really did not like my throat.
"Climb down" man, fuck you
no I will not climb down into a nest of bugs
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
There sure are a lot of graves in this cemetary. Depressing.
Thought for later: cemetaries could use more fairground games.
I JUST WANT THE CEMETARY BIT TO BE OVER BEFORE THE SKELETONS HAPPEN
oh god now everyone knows that I am unnecessarily afraid of living skeletons.
THANK GOD FINALLY
Alex is looking for his missing little brother, Joshua. Alex just passed a dumpster and commented that something 'smelled like it had died'. Uh.
Not to be morbid, but maybe you should check in that dumpster, dude.
Well well well, it's Alex's ex-girlfriend. Sexy!
Oh christ.
How long is this extremely awkward conversation going to continue?
blah blah blah blah just give me the walkie talkie. Your subtext of betrayed hurt doesn't bother me.
I'M BATMAN!
Wait, no, I'm still Alex. False alarm.
"There's a lot of stuff piled here. I guess Curtis isn't expecting visitors." well, or Curtis is protecting himself from the legions of skin dogs. Also, who the hell is Curtis?
Oh.
THAT'S Curtis.
You're pretty sure that gun is broken, Alex. You were in the military, and you're PRETTY sure that gun is broken?
Oh god Alex, at least hold the gun like you know what you're doing with it.
What are you going to do, pistol whip all the demons to death?
You know what? I think I'm going to need to see some military ID or something.
Okay, so you have a walkie talkie, you have military training. Impress me.
"Hello?" Okay, or just keep being Alex.
Holy shit, soundtrack, calm down.
What, have you got NIN playing back there or something?
Alex isn't comfortable hunting demons unless he has With Teeth on repeat.
So I have to go... back into the cemetary?
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
New monster time! I am grateful that it isn't a vagina monster.
coffin rumbling coffin rumbling WHY IS THE COFFIN RUMBLING
OH GOD A MONSTER'S GOING TO POP OUT AND it's a watch
There's a watch in a coffin.
Maybe it's a DEMON WATCH?
Actually it is a demon watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in Silent Hill. It is... well, it's not that much different from Shepherd's Glen, really.
Silent Hill has new and exciting doors that refuse to open for me.
I like that the map helpfully points out which doors won't open. Cheers, mate.
Aw shit.
Come on thankfully not a vagina monster, why you gotta play me like that?
Why does the elevator make a squelching noise?
I hate this game.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS
ARGH I HATE THIS GAME
I have found a hole in a door that has a lady's voice. She seems nice. I think we're dating.
and there's Pyramid Head!
CALLED IT
He walked over, stared at me in a way that made it obvious that he saw me, and then walked off.
And 100 fanboys just orgasmed.
Here's a new enemy--a flesh spider. And spiders are mentioned at one point in the game. We'll count that as a viable metaphor.
WE HAVE VIABLE METAPHOR, REPEAT, VIABLE METAPHOR
Oh good I got swarmed by nurses that can't be blocked
YAY
FUCK THIS
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