Let's begin again!
Where we left off last: mom's catatonic, the mayor is obviously a monster in a human suit, and the main character is almost likely a figment of the creepy child's imagination. Smashing.
Hmmm, it appears as if I'm waiting on a scripted event of some kind. Guess that means I get to walk back into every single room!
Great, now I'm in a cemetary. This day just gets better and better.
Hello
Pyramid Head shows up, doesn't he? Fuck.
I'm not particularly frightened of Pyramid Head, I'm just not understanding how he fits in the theme of this iteration.
We've got vagina face, sexy nurses, devil dogs... in a game that focuses around two sons and an overbearing military father. If you can't figure out how to make monsters based off a military obsession mixed with a father that witholds love, then I don't know how to help you.
But a fear of women mixed with an attraction to women DOES NOT WORK.
Unless soldier boy here is secretly attracted to his mum.
...I will apologize if the main character is secretly attracted to his mum.
Health drink in the middle of a cemetary. Not complaining.
What is a health drink, anyway? I'm rather picturing a bottle of Naked Juice that's not yet out of date. Alex picks it up and thinks "YES, I love green machine."
Having considered it, I have also decided that I will apologize if one of the enemies turns out to be a military airplane made of skin with angry eyes.
This cemetary is crawling with foley artists.
That inside out dog really did not like my throat.
"Climb down" man, fuck you
no I will not climb down into a nest of bugs
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
There sure are a lot of graves in this cemetary. Depressing.
Thought for later: cemetaries could use more fairground games.
I JUST WANT THE CEMETARY BIT TO BE OVER BEFORE THE SKELETONS HAPPEN
oh god now everyone knows that I am unnecessarily afraid of living skeletons.
THANK GOD FINALLY
Alex is looking for his missing little brother, Joshua. Alex just passed a dumpster and commented that something 'smelled like it had died'. Uh.
Not to be morbid, but maybe you should check in that dumpster, dude.
Well well well, it's Alex's ex-girlfriend. Sexy!
Oh christ.
How long is this extremely awkward conversation going to continue?
blah blah blah blah just give me the walkie talkie. Your subtext of betrayed hurt doesn't bother me.
I'M BATMAN!
Wait, no, I'm still Alex. False alarm.
"There's a lot of stuff piled here. I guess Curtis isn't expecting visitors." well, or Curtis is protecting himself from the legions of skin dogs. Also, who the hell is Curtis?
Oh.
THAT'S Curtis.
You're pretty sure that gun is broken, Alex. You were in the military, and you're PRETTY sure that gun is broken?
Oh god Alex, at least hold the gun like you know what you're doing with it.
What are you going to do, pistol whip all the demons to death?
You know what? I think I'm going to need to see some military ID or something.
Okay, so you have a walkie talkie, you have military training. Impress me.
"Hello?" Okay, or just keep being Alex.
Holy shit, soundtrack, calm down.
What, have you got NIN playing back there or something?
Alex isn't comfortable hunting demons unless he has With Teeth on repeat.
So I have to go... back into the cemetary?
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
New monster time! I am grateful that it isn't a vagina monster.
coffin rumbling coffin rumbling WHY IS THE COFFIN RUMBLING
OH GOD A MONSTER'S GOING TO POP OUT AND it's a watch
There's a watch in a coffin.
Maybe it's a DEMON WATCH?
Actually it is a demon watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in Silent Hill. It is... well, it's not that much different from Shepherd's Glen, really.
Silent Hill has new and exciting doors that refuse to open for me.
I like that the map helpfully points out which doors won't open. Cheers, mate.
Aw shit.
Come on thankfully not a vagina monster, why you gotta play me like that?
Why does the elevator make a squelching noise?
I hate this game.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS
ARGH I HATE THIS GAME
I have found a hole in a door that has a lady's voice. She seems nice. I think we're dating.
and there's Pyramid Head!
CALLED IT
He walked over, stared at me in a way that made it obvious that he saw me, and then walked off.
And 100 fanboys just orgasmed.
Here's a new enemy--a flesh spider. And spiders are mentioned at one point in the game. We'll count that as a viable metaphor.
WE HAVE VIABLE METAPHOR, REPEAT, VIABLE METAPHOR
Oh good I got swarmed by nurses that can't be blocked
YAY
FUCK THIS
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