It's October! Well, it's almost October. Like I'm going to let an extra hour and twenty minutes stop me, you terrible pedants.
Sorry. It's (nearly) October! Which means that it's time for my annual "Palisade Plays a Game and Freaks Right the Fuck Out!(tm)" event, where I play a horror game and pretend like I'm not about to burst into tears and urinate on myself the entire time.
Last year I promised everyone Fatal Frame 2 but didn't deliver, as the copy of Fatal Frame that I bought was a Wii game accidentally shelved with a 360's box on it. Terrible times indeed. Since then I've purchased a Wii, so I can finally provide you, the reader, with the highest quality of terrified ramblings.
And the game opens with some winsome twins.
okay so that's a british accent?
okay game, I'll bite
Mayu is dead. Right? I mean, come on.
If Mayu is not a dead person then I will eat my hat. I will purchase a hat for the express purpose of eating it.
Jesus Christ, this chick moves at the speed of a glacier.
Thanks game, for giving me control over a character just long enough to have her slowly trudge through 5 feet of forest. That's handy.
"It's the lost village. I heard that it disappeared on the day of a festival, and that people who were lost in the forest were lured to it." I've got bad news for you, kid.
Again with the terrible british accent. In Japan.
It's really handy that these two winsome twins happen to dress almost, but not totally, exactly like each other. School mornings must be a real pain in the ass.
"Mio, I'm wearing the red shirt with the white dress today!" "But Mayu, you wore the white dress last time!" "Well yes, that's because I'm dead."
Dead people in Japan wear white.
It's a joke that works on several levels.
You've found a black handbag!
Yes, I am aware that it looks like a glowing blue ball, but it's a handbag.
No, we have no intention of modeling these things. You're getting glowing blue balls and you'll like it.
Ooooh I just realised that the screen flickers and then occasionally shows screaming ghost faces. Creepy!
um game please stop
OH JESUS GOD NO
why are they even in the forest
why are there things
there are things fuck this game
and then I hid under a rock the end
okay so thank you everyone who suggested this legitimately terrifying game, I hope you get eaten by a grue
Okay, so this game is forcing me to search through a house where there is CLEARLY an angry ghost
which seems to be a really passive aggressive move on the game's part
I only called it a few names
the nice part is that I get no end of amusement from walking into Mayu and watching her stumble backwards and look sad
Stupid winsome ghost
Oh good, I found a torch!
Oh good, it's a shitty torch!
I swear to christ that horror game characters get their torches from The Shitty Torch Store.
"Oh look honey, here's one that only illuminates things that are a foot in front of you!"
"Hmmmm, that one's nice, but this one plays terrifying musical stings when you highlight completely innocent objects."
"Well what happens when you highlight something terrifying, like a ghost?"
"It kills you."
THERE'S A GHOST
THERE IS IT RIGHT THERE
I am tempted to just turn the sound right off
"Notes on the Camera Obscura"
AW SHIT IT'S CAMERA TIME
That means there's going to be a ghost for real
"The Camera Obscura, it takes pictures of things which should not exist"
Yeah uh, all cameras can do that
Unless you mean that it can take pictures of things that can't be seen with the naked eye
BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT AIN'T IT
anyway it's time for a camera tutorial
Oh good, let's make the controls as shaky as possible
TAKE THAT GHOST FACE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING
AUGH IT'S CHOKING ME
officer I would like you to arrest that ghost for assault
Okay, she's dead. Deader. More dead.
fuck that ghost, let's bounce
The door's locked. Of course the door is locked!
now the game wants to teach me about benevolent ghosts, like I give a shit about benevolent ghosts
"Don't come any closer!" the ghost intones
I am down with that
Okay game, I am NOT HAVING your fakeout bullshit. Okay? NOT HAVING IT.
"Touch this thing the size and shape of a human!" oooh nooooooo what is it! "It's a mirror!" Oh.
"Touch this futon with a lump the size and shape of a human!" Ooooooh nooooo wha- "It's just a futon!" fuck you.
"follow this ghost up the stairs!"
No wait, that's actually what it's telling me.
Of course the ghost waits to attack me until after I'm actually lodged in the tiny room where it's hard to maneuver. Can't make the combat too intuitive!
MAYU PLEASE MOVE YOUR DEAD ASS SO I CAN KILL THIS GHOST WITH THE POWER OF PHOTOGRAPHY
END OF CHAPTER ONE