Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Skyrim Has Eaten My Brain Part 2

Picking up where our stalwart hero and mistress of burning things down left off, I am currently standing at the edge of a desolate, frozen lake, having just barely escaped the sinking mines after successfully killing the former guild-master.  I have been tasked by one of the other Nightingales to take the key--It is a Special Key--back to where it belongs.  It's some sort of god thing.  She can't do it because she 'is afraid to'.  "Also you're the protagonist, duh" she didn't say, but I can read between the lines.

Mount up Shadowmere!  We must sally forth and-- yes, I'll wait.

Sorry, everyone.  We have to wait for my horse to hunt down and murder every single fucking fox in the entire forest.

I don't know, he has a thing against foxes.

And we're off!

Just to round it all off, I have met the spirit of the dead guy who started this whole thing.  He was thrilled to see that I had The Key so that everything could be returned to normal.

That's so sweet!  Well, take it then!


I keep forgetting that I'm the protagonist, which means that I do everything.

Some people would just hire help for this shit, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Okay, fine.  I'll walk the bloody Pilgrim's Path and return The Key.  But I won't like it!

Oh, good.  Riddles.  This gets more and more like Baldur's Gate.

Anyone who has played Baldur's Gate will know that I am giving Skyrim the highest praise possible.

I am searching through ruins that have not been disturbed in 25 years, and I have found a tomato.  That's... okay, then.

I mean, I guess ghosts can store their fruit wherever they like.

I have over 22,000 gold and still I will stop and pick up three individual gold pieces off the ground.  Skyrim has taught me that I'm a Scrooge.

So this part of the riddle tells me that I have to give something to this giant statue.  Huh.  Well, I have lots of things.  I wonder what happens if I choose incorrectly?

Nothing happens.  Disappointing.





And that's it for me, the thieves guild is taken care of.  What next?

While scrolling through my quest list, I noticed that I have a quest given to me by a madman.  Uh, excuse me?  Why haven't I started this one yet?


A crazy old man wants me to break into the Imperial Palace to beg his master to come back from vacation.  To help me, he has given me the hip bones of a dead guy.  I'm excited!

Okay, I have broken into the unused section of the castle.  Easy enough.


Now I know where absolutely everyone in Skyrim stores their unused baskets.

What, wait.  What?  Who did the what, now?

I was standing in the middle of a dust old corridor, and now I'm standing in the middle of a forest clearing.  There is a guy sitting at a table covered in food that... can I steal it?

I can.

Hold on, just one moment.


This guy is ranting and raving and almost certainly a god of some kind.

Also his accent keeps changing between Irish and Scottish.  A true mark of the mad!

He informed me that I am currently standing in the mental landscape of a dead, insane king.

Or an insane, dead king.  I suppose it depends on which part you want to focus on.


Crazy god suggested that I use a Wabbajack to get out.  While I was laughing at his joke he handed me a, well, a Wabbajack.

I am getting a really heavy Alice in Wonderland suggestion, here.  If I run into a talking rabbit then I will kill it and eat it.

A test of wits, with my Wabbajack!

I want that to go on my gravestone, for the record.

The voice actor's line was 'harrumph' and he was going to be damned if he didn't say that exact word.

Have you ever heard a person SAY harrumph?  Try it.

Hehehehe, it's a tiny little man.

Hehehehe, but he has a grown man's voice!

Hahahaha shut up crazy god, I'm busy talking to the little man.

There's no way to make that sequence any stranger.  I am not totally convinced that it wasn't an after-affect of my new medication.

Side effects may include headache, drowsiness, and hallucinating that a man dressed like the Joker will ask you whether his beard is ready for travel.

Since I'm already in the Imperial City, I think I'll take the time to go and crash a party.

I got a guy drunk and convinced him to make a scene for me.  Just like a real party.

"Sneak by all those guards" fuck you, I'll sneak when I wanna.

Besides, I haven't reached my quota of burning things yet today.


Okay, so maybe I was sneaking a LITTLE.

What a supremely pointless quest.  I snuck into a party, murdered some guards and looted a bunch of files just to learn that nobody has any clearer idea of what's going on than I do.

In fact, the notes I found were just the words "OH GOD A DRAGON" written over and over.

Now I have to go and find a crazy old man.  My life is just filled with crazy old men right now.

These tunnels are simply crawling with evil elves who, by the way, do little to endear themselves to people.

They're trying to find the old man too.  I have one thing they don't--a quest marker.

I convinced the man that I am the Dragonborn by telling him that I am the Dragonborn.  These people are too trusting by half.

"After you, Dragonborn.  You should have the honor of being the first to step into the temple."  It's good to be the protagonist.

I'm going to stop this writeup here, since I'm doing a main story quest.  I'll return when I'm setting up to be the leader of the bard's college.

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