Skyrim, a fictional fantasy world filled with dragons. A person can be the hero of legend, the Dragonborn, able to use a secret lost magic that many thought dead, head of the assassin's guild, head of the thieves guild, or Arch-mage of the school of magic.
Sorry, did I say 'or'? I meant 'and' since I am all of those things.
Yes, I am the protagonist in a open-world RPG, which means that I am allowed to be the leader of all the things.
Luckily many of those positions don't require much in the way of administrative work, so I spend most of my time in the countryside killing bears.
To recap my recent escapades, I talked my way into a dwarven museum, killed half the guards and set a researcher's nephew on fire, all so I could get a peek at his research notes. I escaped by diving into a waterfall, stopping only to chat with the local blacksmiths.
The backstory to all of this is that the guildmaster of the thieves guild has done something shady, and I have to find out what, exactly, that thing was. It doesn't really matter, it's all in the interest of making me the guildmaster.
Skyrim hint number one: if you meet the head of an organization, don't trust or get too fond of them. You're going to be heading that organization soon, and the story demands their death in order for that to happen.
I am also the head of the assassin's guild, as I mentioned. The previous guildmaster caught on fire. It was unrelated to the sudden rash of everyone else in Skyrim catching on fire, which IS related to me.
Being guildmaster to the assassins means two things: I get a spectral assassin that follows me around, and I get a demonic horse.
I am wandering the countryside riding a horse with fiery eyes, followed by a ghost who constantly mutters to himself.
I am the epitome of blending in.
Oh, and sometimes my head disappears. Onwards!
Skyrim has just taught me how to pronounce the word 'sepulcher'. I've always wondered.
I am preparing to meet the double-double-cross agent in the... in the place where the thieves guild is? Huh. This bodes well.
Yeah, that is EXACTLY what she wants to do. "I think some of these people are beginning to suspect who I am" she muttered to me as I entered. No shit, you think?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Everybody just jam a brake up yer arse for a second here.
So I was peeking at some research notes because a guy who was murdered (not by me) (for once) left clues as to who and why he was murdered in his journal, but he wrote it in a language that is almost completely dead. Like latin, but spoken by weird gollum creatures.
At any rate, I found the translation guide and a friend of the double-double-cross agent (who is secretly good) that I'm working with translated it. Everybody with me so far?
But the POINT is that this journal is unreadable, and that the only reason we know what it says is because someone has scrawled some notes on a sheet of paper, yeah?
Notes that don't NECESSARILY correlate to the actual diary. Notes that double-double-cross agent and I are CLAIMING correlate.
Yet we march into the thieves guild and everybody believes us straight away.
"Oh no! They have NOTES!"
It's immediately backed up by the fact that the vault was empty. Just like we said it would be! I mean, it's not like we could have emptied it...
Too trusting for thieves.
I love it when random people talk shit to me.
Did I forget to mention that I can say words that cause things to happen?
Like magic but LOUD.
And all your cutlery is all over the floor.
I mean, not just cutlery. That would be a pretty useless dragon-language spell if all it did was disturb forks.
No, I am capable of disturbing the position of any number of items.
I am now tasked with breaking into the house of the (presumably former) thieves guildmaster to figure out where he's gone. This means finding a magical quill at the bottom of a lake so I can excuse the debt of the man who is guarding the house I'm trying to break into, so I can break into it.
And the first thing that happened once I left the city is that a dragon attacked.
I FEAR NO WINGED BEAST.
But apparently some cat-people got singed (heh heh) by one of my fireball blasts, so then they attacked me.
Idiots. I was clearly in the middle of killing a dragon.
Well, no matter. They didn't remain stupid for long.
BECAUSE I KILLED THEM AND LOOTED THEIR CORPSES.
People in this game are just hungry for death.
"Oh it's the protagonist! Let's attempt to kill her. Say, does it look like I'm on fire to you?"
Okay, I have the release form from the lady, so I can go get the guard to leave. I'll just... and he's dead.
Once more. I have the release form from the lady, so I can go get the guard to leave. I'll just go to the OTHER gate and talk to him. That's right. Come here, lad. There's a good boy.
And there are random bandits in the house. Well, were.
Do dee do do dee doo.
That's my lootin' song.
Huh. So it appears as if I'm being prepared to be inducted into a secret group that worships some sort of twilight god. I wonder if I should tell them about the other secret group I'm a part of? The one that worships the murder god.
Oh god, what if the gods met each other at a party!
"The dark elf Magdalene serves as my Listener, hearing my instructions through my earthly servant, the corpse of the beloved mother." "That's funny, I have a similar dark elf named Magdalene who is one of three members of my extremely secret worshipp... HEY!"
Oh, Magdalene, you cad.
Come Shadowmere! Let us ride to our secret induction. Try not the summon the demons of hell again, please.
I'm being inducted along with the thief who has a bad scottish accent. I like him.
"Active the Armor Stone."
Activate the Armor Stone.
Activate the Armor Stone?!
I suppose there's worse workarounds to the problem of 'this place has been locked up for centuries but somehow we'll still have armor for you'.
But ACTIVATE THE BLOODY ARMOR STONE?
I think I like this cult better. At least it doesn't mean that I have to have conversations with a desiccated corpse.
Get on the ball, assassin god.
Welp, guess who's the guildmaster now.
All that's left to do is to hunt down the former guildmaster and stab him in the eyeballs.
The game doesn't say that directly. I inferred it.
Uh, Skyrim? What pissed in your cornflakes?
I hate the Falmer so much.
Falmer are subterranean elves that went so underground that they lost the ability to see. So they're gollums, but slightly more likely to sneer at your clothes.
AND I HATE THEM.
I have two companions for this quest. They keep getting stuck on the scenery.
GUYS. Come and help me with these spiders, please.
I'm your fearless leader, and I need help with these sp-sp-spiders.
Oh, nevermind. Turns out that wildly flinging fireballs at them while weeping does in fact work.
This chick is really interested in reminding me to stay as quiet as possible. Not as interested as she is in screaming at things, but...
NOCTURNAL TAKE YOU! I STRIKE AT YOU FROM THE SHADOWS! WOW, IS THAT AN ECHO?
AUGH GOD WHY IS THIS SO LONG
I did not record the trials of the vanishing save point, lest the reader be bored to tears. Suffice it to say that when I finally defeated former guildleader, it was with no small amount of pleasure.
FIREBALL TO THE FACE, BITCH.
I have been tasked with returning something to the night goddess I apparently worship now. After that whole dungeon, this subsection of quests STILL isn't finished?
Well I am. That's all for now.