So, Alex, if you can jump across that huge gap between buildings, why couldn't you FUCKING CLEAR THAT JUMP IN THE HELL HOTEL, HUH?
You thought you could distract me from the cult members sneaking up on me with the sounds of machinery, did you? WELL THINK AGAIN.
Bam bam, motherfuckers.
Seriously, this room is really loud. I really don't think this is up to OSHA standards.
Alex grunts like he's in a bad porn. C'mon Alex, just take your pants off.
Actually, don't. Please.
The streets have gotten a lot... oh, what's the word? Bitier? Yes.
I'm yet again in a cemetery. This wall wants to know if I'd like to breach it.
Once more unto the breach, dear friends!
These smoke monsters should be used in anti-smoking PSAs.
"I'm dead. Don't smoke."
Health drink sitting on a dumpster. That's... healthy.
Maybe I have the wrong idea about all these things crawling out of the sewers.
"I heard you running past and I Wanted to pop out and see if OH GOD MY SKULL."
Just a big misunderstanding.
I am getting really, really discouraged by the fact that there is a prison level. Maybe it will secretly be good, like the sewer level.
Racist caricature is shouting at me over the walkie talkie again.
"WHERE ARE YOU?" "I'M IN CELL BLOCK B!" "OKAY YOU STAY THERE AND I'LL COME FIND YOU!" "OKAY I HOPE THEY DON'T GET ME BEFORE YOU DO!" "JUST LAY LOW!"
It's a match made in heaven.
Finally, found a map.
Would you look at this. Oh no, it's so huge!
Oh, sorry, I was looking through my porn collection again. Where was I?
What the fuck?
I shot a cult member in the head and apparently it caused him to defecate, because that was NOT the noise a dying man makes.
I really suspect the instructions to the foley artist for that were not "morning poo" but goddamn if he didn't have a vision.
Did I mention that the racist caricature is a cop? Because the game wants to make sure that you remember that.
A giant hell beast comes crashing through the ceiling. "You cuff him" intones my not-quite-politically-correct friend "and I'll read him his rights."
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I hate this game.
I'm a little relieved to find out that the morass of wires and switches isn't a puzzle that I have to solve, but a thing that only the racist caricature can control. I am less pleased that now he won't stop fucking talking to me.
A shower room!
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
Holy giant flesh spiders, Batman!
I really don't think this place is up to code.
I don't know how you managed to make a hell prison filled with horrors boring Homecoming, but kudos to you for the achievement.
Come on mom, this isn't the time to be playing Jesus.
Little spoiler here: from this point forward, I'll be allowed to make a series of decisions that will affect the ending of the game. This is the first one: mom is tied to a rack, Torgo acting all over the place. Should I put her out of her misery, or let the hellish machine rip her apart while I hide in a corner and whimper?
Too late, I've already decided.
BULLET IN YOUR HEAD, MOM.
This is the one time where the descent into hell actually makes sense.
Is that a giant green booger in a cage?
No, I'm sorry. It's a giant green booger in a cage that is also a puzzle.
I think hell prison is actually tidier than the normal prison.
THE MAN WHO DEVISED IT
DOES NOT WANT IT
THE MAN WHO BOUGHT IT
DOES NOT USE IT
THE MAN WHO USED IT
DOES NOT REALIZE IT
Everybody, all together now!
IT'S A FUCKING COFFIN.
The next puzzle is gonna ask me what stands on four legs in the morning...
Booger monster is dripping black blood into the hole I'm meant to jump in. I don't want to jump in that hole!
Alex and the fat man.
Squeeze through that tiny opening, fat man!
Yes, it's very comical.
Sorry, racist caricature is also fat.
It's the human centipede!
Now I'm a little curious as to which came first.
Alex is riding the human centipede monster like he's at a fleshy rodeo.
Oh good, I'm at the creepy Silent Hill brambles church.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE ISN'T IT WITH THE BRAMBLES AND SUCH
A man is in the confessional and mistakes me for a priest. Oh-ho, now we're a wacky 80s comedy.
The man confesses that he had two sons--one that he treated well and one that he treated poorly. He treated the one son poorly to 'protect him from what must be done' and he wants forgiveness.
That's my dad, isn't it?
That's my dad and he was going to sacrifice me.
I KNEW IT WAS SOME FUCKING CULT THING.
I am slightly more inclined to believe that Alex is former military after he survived that two-story fall.
OH MY FUCKING GOD ALEX RUN
NO RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION
YOU MASSIVE DOUCHE RUN
Wait, maybe that wasn't dad. Here he is hanging from a railing.
I FUCKING CALLED IT.
ALEX WASN'T IN THE MILITARY, HE WAS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.
HAHAHAHAHA actually that explains a lot.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit. Sorry dad!
Dad just got skewered by Pyramid Head.
Go and chase after Pyramid Head! He's contracted to appear in this at least three times.
These stairs never end. Do you remember Mario64, where the stairs up to Bowser would just go on and on unless you'd collected enough stars? I don't think Alex has collected enough stars.
In previous Silent Hill games the motives behind the town--as a living entity, which it is--tended to be... well, not spelled out.
This game says fuck all that!
So the four founding members of the town of Shepherd's Glen made a pact with... something for their protection from the something that's in Silent Hill, where they came from. They were required, once every 50 years, to kill one of their children.
Fair enough, I suppose. I know I'd trust an entity that's agreed to protect me from evil by being slightly less evil.
Alex was supposed to be the sacrifice for his family, but his father couldn't do it. And that's when the... something from Silent Hill unleashed hell on the town?
So they all decided to go back to worshipping the... something from Silent Hill instead.
And then a bitchy lady stuck a drill in my leg.
It's okay, I returned the favour.
I was off by about four feet, though.
DRILL THROUGH THE SKULL.
A question for anyone who has played all of the Silent Hill games. Is the big evil thing in the town something that they accidentally mined up? Cause I'm really getting the sense that it's something they mined up.
Also this book rather explicitly told me.
The game has rewarded me for hoarding all my ammo and health items by stripping me of all my ammo and health items. Cheers!
So I'm in this underground cult place, yeah? It's all infested with cult members who I have to fight because they charge me when they see me and chase me around. They're not avoidable.
And all I have is a knife because the game is a cunt and has taken all my belongings from me. Scary, right?
When I target a cult member and quick attack it (A, A, A) he'll circle around me. The third quick attack knocks him back enough so he can't attack, and then it starts again.
stab, stab, stab, step back, stab, stab, stab
Until he's dead.
The best part? If there's two of them, the one you're not engaged with will stand back a bit.
"Oooooh, there's a bit of a fight here, what?"
It's Curtis the junkyard dude again! Hey Curtis!
Curtis, why are you menacing my ex-girlfriend with a rusty saw?
Damn Curtis, I thought we had something special!
Curtis went to the same training camp as the other cult members.
Saw blades can't protect you from my killer moves, Curtis!
Stab, stab, stab
I've rescued annoying ex-girlfriend. That means there are many more door puzzles in my future.
HOT WHEEL TURNING ACTION.
Ex-girlfriend doesn't follow me into certain rooms. Like, you know, the room where I shoved a drill through her mom's skull.
That'd make the 'thank god we didn't die' sex really awkward.
ooooooooh jeez. Um. Should I... should I pull those knives out or... jeez.
The game gives me the option of saving him or leaving him to his grisly fate. I elected to save him. Now he won't stop gurgling.
Jesus dude, I gave you a whole medkit. what else do you want?
I've tasked annoying ex to take care of racist caricature while I go and rescue Josh, the ungrateful whoreson.
"Be careful" she whispers "I can't lose you too."
I nod, knowingly.
Yeah baby, I know it.
Body bags! Body bags! What do you think's in these body bags! Is it dead! Bodies or... not.
To be sung to the tune of Spiderman, duh.
I've entered what is clearly a chamber of some sort.
Sorry, a Chamber.
DUN DUN DUUUUN
Wait a moment. I'm in Silent Hill, right? These are the infamous Silent Hill mines. So why is there a chamber dedicated to the Shepherd's Glen founding members?
I mean, they left the town and needed to be protected from the horrible gods of Silent Hill. Wouldn't they be thought of as cast-outs?
It's the Exposition Chamber.
Boy, Alex sure gets into a lot of places with that ceremonial knife. You wouldn't think they'd just leave that laying around.
Alex, why is it taking you so long to read this plaque?
And you're using your forefinger to trace the... oh, Alex.
Illiteracy is nothing to be ashamed of.
Alex killed Josh.
Josh is dead.
Well, I was half right.
Also, good. Little brat.
I think it's the final boss!
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?
It's a baby with mechanical spider legs.
I give up. Show's over. There's nothing worse than this.
It's a fucking baby with mechanical fucking spider legs.
This is the most boring, idiotic, abysmal, repetitive boss fight that ever existed.
God didn't give you a dodge button so you could douche around, Alex.
Oh, I'm sorry. It wasn't a giant baby. It was a pregnant baby. And it gave birth to Josh.
Um, are you just gonna leave your brother's corpse there, Alex?
So Alex mentions to loads of people throughout the game that he's there to save Josh. Did no one think to remind him that Josh was murdered?
By, you know, him?
It doesn't matter because he limps off into the grey fog with annoying ex-girlfriend!
And I, for some reason, unlocked the Big Rig Alex costume.