For continuity, the first post can be found here
The second post can be found here
And the third post here
So in my last play through the split face monsters--who, thankfully, don't look like vaginas--swarmed around me and beat me up and called me several unflattering names. It's now a month later. Have the wounds healed enough?
I think I've purposely forgotten how to play this game.
So these monsters can rip me in half. I'm actually impressed by that.
Run run run run RUN
The feeling of terror inspired by a creepy atmosphere and terrifying imagery has been replaced by the feeling of terror inspired by the fear that I'm going to die and have to redo this frankly impossible section. Those two are basically the same thing, right?
Mini-boss time! It's a giant lumbering mish-mash of random body parts. When you kill it, you get an achievement called "Shades of James". Ha-ha!
Oooooh man, it's funny when developers attempt to improve their shitty game by constantly referencing superior games.
Now annoying ex-girlfriend is with me. She has a gun, right? Or a knife? She's capable of defending herself. This isn't a escort mission, right?
Okay, now she's cowering. This doesn't bode well.
Has anyone played Half-Life 2? Do you remember Alyx Vance, who will kill the zombies for you as you shine your torch on them? Annoying ex-girlfriend in this game does something similar. If the zombies attack her--and they do--then she'll cower helplessly and whimper. Yay!
Do not think I won't just leave this bitch to die.
Also, she's carrying around a stack of missing persons flyers. You know what? In a town overrun by hell, I'm not sure the missing people would be my first concern.
I wonder where the people are! Well, taken away by the hell demons, I imagine. Speaking of which, what's up with that?
There's a hole in the wall with dead people sticking out of it. I understand that this is creepy, but it looks like someone was attempting to excavate dead people from the walls.
Maybe I've been playing too much minecraft.
"Oooooh, nice vein of dead people right here. Anybody bring an iron pickaxe?"
I had to leave her and go find another gate to go through. I bet she's tweeting about it right now.
"N the sewers lol hop I dun die :))))"
Alex, every time you grunt like an ape when you're just stepping up a small incline, a nearby hell-beast has an orgasm.
Did the army teach you to make so much noise all the damn time, you lumbering hippo?
I just restarted a section because I didn't use my bullets effectively. See, this is engaging gameplay!
Spider monster out of nowhere! That was genuinely scary, I jumped and everything!
Can it be? Is the game redeeming itself in the sewer level?
A giant, placid, grey, underground lake. Worrisome.
If this game ends up becoming really good, then what will I do?
The only monster that's getting tossed at me are the spider monsters, which are difficult but not impossible. I am feeling a warmth in my black heart.
A giant crypt room with holes in the walls. Ominous.
And annoying ex-girlfriend gets stuck in a room by herself again. Idiot.
You know what? I'm going to let that one go, game. It's a perfectly reasonable move to make to seperate characters, and it projects the fact that there's probably a battle coming up. Okay? But only this once.
THREE SPIDERS YOU ASSHOLE WHAT?
Hahahaha, it turns out that they can't reach me if I stand on the derelict car. I'm the king of the world!
Wait, false alarm. Still Alex.
And they topped it off with one of those body creatures, who still can't reach me on the car. Hahahahahaha!
Growing out the back of this creature is a pair of lady's legs. Are they... are they wearing ballet shoes?
Oh god, I think they are.
I'm in the post-hell invasion landscape of this ruined town, and I still can't bring myself to walk anywhere but the sidewalk.
I'm such a good citizen.
This also means I've emerged from the sewers. Will the game continue it's not that bad streak?
HEEEEEEEEEEEY racist caricature is still alive! HEEEEEEEY and annoying ex-girlfriend has been dragged off by demons! Looks like the good streak continues.
It's the mysterious Doctor Finch! Dripping blood and limping along. That seems reasonable.
Alex sees that the doctor is carrying a rusty scalpel and is covered in blood. He naturally assumes that the doctor has hurt his ex-girlfriend. In a town filled with demons?
Alex isn't the brightest bulb in the box.
One, two, three, four, five sexy nurses! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Fuck you game.
I used all my bullets for the sexy nurses.
What just happened?
He opens a box, finds a doll, and faints.
Oh, and now we're in hell.
And theeeeere's Josh. I'm starting to notice a trend in this game.
So I'm in a hospital, in hell. Gosh, that seems familiar.
Also this game's version of hell seems more like a smelting factory.
The demons make cross beams for high-rises. When they're not invading sleepy Pennsylvania towns, they have a quota to reach.
Playing this level makes me realize something: Somebody has watched the Silent Hill movie.
At any moment I'll pass by a window. Through it I will see Sean Bean sitting at a table, drinking a coffee. He'll look up, wave, and turn into Pyramid Head.
That's when the dancing starts.
Josh running away from me in hell count: 3.
Even the most dedicated brother would shoot him at this point.
Just in the back of the leg, you know? Slow him down a little.
You're really not changing my opinion of the whole smelting thing here, game.
Satan's the foreman. He'll shout at me over the din of the machinery.
"Ain't seen no kids around here, son. You best be off, now."
Satan is a good foreman. Tough, but fair.
He pushes his hard hat back on his head as a quivering vagina monster with teeth slinks by in the background.
The vagina monster's on break. Don't worry.
"The exit?" he says, surprised "It's just past the puzzle with the rusted fans, through the door that screams while you cut it open."
Josh running away from me in hell count: 4
In case it isn't obvious, absolutely nothing is happening in this game right now.
I spoke too soon.
Doctor Fitch is kneeling in an empty room, cutting himself. I offer to patch him up. "I don't want your help!" he hisses "These wounds cannot heal."
You know what? I laughed at that.
That's gonna leave a mark.
Boss battle! So each boss is the hellish representation of a child of one of the prominent townsfolk, right? This one is a demon doll. The daughter loved dolls. Do you get it?
I really have to watch this cutscene multiple times just so I can get to the boss that keeps killing me. I may never be able to look a pair of boxer briefs in the eye again.
Y-you know what I mean.
I finished the boss battle with literally the minimum required amount of health left. Time to run away from everything.
Run away! Run away! Run away!
AAAAAH SAVE POINT
I died immediately after saving, and when I restarted I was given half my life back. Thanks, game. I guess you don't have to suck all of my balls.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this a cult thing?
I found a ceremonial knife and some ancient texts. This is a cult thing, isn't it?
Something about asking forgiveness from the city founders. I have never been so into a city that I've been willing to join a devil cult over it.
Maybe I'm missing a lot by not attending the city council meetings.
"Next on our agenda is the issue of who gets to preside over the virgin sacrifice."
Vote Paul Smith for mayor, and he won't have your children ripped to pieces by monsters.
I made my way through a maze that ended in a sparse office underneath a tomb. Life has gotta suck for that secretary.
"Oh, you know, the pay is good, but I come home every day smelling like corpses."
"And then I woke up last night and the cat was trying to eat my face."
"...of course, he's a cat so it's hard to tell if that's abnormal."
I'm just casually running past all the monsters now.
"Morning smog monster!" "Morning Alex! How's the family?" "Still dead!"
And I'm back in the cemetary. Brilliant. I'm going to need a beer for this.
I've finally made it back home. Mom is still sitting in that chair. The game won't let me shoot her.
All of the hidden doors in this series are covered by empty bookshelves. I guess cultists all use the same interior designers.
I can't avoid saying it any longer. Everyone in this game has chiclet teeth.
Fuck you game, a sliding puzzle?
Fuuuuuuck yooooooh wait I solved it.
So mom was kidnapped by gasmask wearing dudes. As they were trying to leave the house, we entered hell.
I've never actually seen anyone besides the protagonist enter hell before.
They looked pretty pissed about it too.
My house has turned into a hell foundry.
The secret to what happens after we die is that we all become blue-collar workers.
That is a pretty elaborate hell chandelier, actually.
Forget the puzzles, I'm really digging that chandelier. Very post-industrial modern.
I mean, you wouldn't want to hang it just anywhere. It would have to be a really open space, for one.
Oh, right, Silent Hill.
Great. Of all the puzzle houses, mine has to be the worst.
Hehehe, that monster was stabbed in the butt.
There's a lot of vaguely sinister writing on the walls in hell. I wonder if some demon has that job.
"Okay Timinour, and today you're on graffiti duty." "Oh but Sataaaaaaan."
I am free from hell. YAY!
And there's the ex-girlfriend. GOD DAMN IT.
That's it. We're going to Silent Hill.
Dun dun DUUUUN.
Now, let's discuss a little Silent Hill history. In Silent Hill 2 towards the end of the game, James has to row across the fog-covered lake to get to the hotel. It's easily the creepiest, most genuinely horrifying part of the game--you, the player, are rowing across this desolate lake after being literally to hell and back, no sound but your oars hittig the water. With each stroke, you become more convinced that a horrible demon that you're ill prepared to fight is going to come rising up out of the water. In THIS game, we're taking a police boat across the lake towards Silent Hill--the apex of all evil, remember?--and we get a cutscene where Alex and and his ex flirt a bit. See the difference?
And in this absolutely not at all scary cutscene, the suspicion actually pays off when we get attacked by gas masks again. Good job!
Alex takes a punch pretty well, right up to the point where he rolls into the water. Good one, Alex!
Hey Alex, why don't you yell some more? I bet the gas mask wearing cult members are having a really difficult time finding you.
Racist caricature and annoying ex-girlfriend are both in prison, but for some reason racist caricature hasn't had his walkie talkie lifted off him. That makes it really handy for Alex, who likes to broadcast where he is every single step of the way.
"I'M AT THE PRISON GATE! IT'S LOCKED! I NEED TO FIND THE BACK ENTRANCE! I'LL SNEAK AROUND THERE!"
Oh my god.
This game has twice directly referenced the Silent Hill movie.
I spit upon you, ptui ptui.
Edit: on this second to last Silent Hill Homecoming post, I want to take the opportunity to announce that I am planning on doing a series of video game story posts. To that end, I would like to announce the winner of the "Which Game Is Alisa Going To Inflict Upon Herself Next?" poll.
Drum roll please.
It's... FATAL FRAME II!