Saturday, May 28, 2011

Second verse, same as the first

so check it

watson is pretty much a pimp

I know what you're thinking

you're thinking

“i like pie a whole lot”

well stop it

pie is pretty good

but we're talking about watson


so watson has gotten a bad reputation

thanks to movies mostly

I mean basil rathbone has a lot to answer for

in that respect

but people think watson is like

fat

and

old

and possibly retarded

but he's really like

a suave and generally suntanned doctor

what lady wouldn't want to marry a doctor?

A dumb lady


anyway the noble bachelor

starts with watson hanging around baker street

waiting to get married

and he casually mentions that hey

he didn't go out that day because

he has a bullet lodged in his leg

FUCKING BADASS

I TOLD YOU

so holmes wanders in

and watson straight up starts making fun of his mail

SUCK IT HOLMES

WHO IS WRITING TO YOU NOW

PROSTITUTES PROBABLY

WAIT NO

WHAT IS MORE EMBARRASSING

SOME DUDE WHO SELLS FISHES

OR MAYBE A LORD

wait that isn't all that funny

but yeah it is a lord

sorry holmes


lord st simon had a wedding

but it didn't go that well

like the cake was coconut

who the fuck eats coconut cake

at a wedding

scandalous

also his wife sort of ran out on him

after the wedding

no biggie

so lord simon asks holmes to

you know

find his missing wife

who is an american

and you all know how those americans can be

wink wink

but seriously simon would like to see her again

also her name is hattie


wait

hold up

hattie?

Okay listen

I understand this was a different time

and some woman

who was not a mental patient

named her two sons sherlock and mycroft

I mean major prank there

but hattie?

Hey lads

try checking the local clerks office

she is probably just filing a name change

christ


holmes is on the case!

Oh wait so is lestrade

by the way

don't forget

lestrade is also on the case

hahahaha

everyone has a bit of a laugh over this

spoilers

lestrade is basically useless


so holmes and watson hang around and wait

for lord st simon to show up

and they read newspapers

while they wait

YOU COULD CUT THE TENSION WITH A KNIFE

and then lord st simon shows up

we will call him simon from now on

it is shorter and also a little rude

spoilers

simon is basically a dick

simon tells them that the marriage went off without a hitch

except for the bit where his wife

flung her flowers at some dude in the church

for no reason

no biggie

and then after the wedding

some prostitute that he was boning showed up

at his house

and threatened to kill his wife

no biggie

and then she disappeared!

What could possibly have happened

also simon mentions a few times that

you know

his wife is an AMERICAN

and said weird AMERICAN things

so she probably just came over all AMERICAN

after realising what an english stud she'd managed to pick up


oh

also

hattie

hahahaha

sorry

hattie was rich

super rich

but simon married her out of love

promise

also she was half his age

love!

So

said simon

to holmes

I understand this is a really thorny problem

and also you are probably all overcome because you are speaking to a lord

it happens

I won't tell

but help a brother out

but holmes has got it

IN THE BAG

and he is all like yeah

no sweat

I got it figured out

also I am used to working with kings

just throwing that out there

dick

and simon is like

haha

you won't be able to help me

and walks out

THEN WHY HIRE HIM

SERIOUSLY

WE HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT YOU ARE A DICK

BUT ARE YOU STUPID AS WELL

BECAUSE YOU JUST ADMITTED TO HIRING A DETECTIVE

WHEN YOU DON'T THINK HE CAN SOLVE THE CASE

dick


so then lestrade shows up

and everyone has a major fucking party

I mean orgasms just

everywhere

it's lestrade

wooooo

no seriously lestrade is basically comic relief

that isn't funny

so lestrade shows up and right away is all

so I have been doing man's work

today

manly work

sifting through the thames

that's what men do

when they're looking for bodies

and holmes is all haaaaaaahahahaha

and lestrade is like what?

And holmes is all haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha

and lestrade is like WHAT?

And holmes is like are you really looking for the dead body of hattie

aka

mrs st simon

in the river?

Look said lestrade

I have GOT THIS

and even though you have solved all of my cases

so far

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SNIDE TO YOU

and also I have this wedding dress we pulled out of river

there isn't a body in it

per se

but I am pretty confident that a body was near it at some point

so there

also there is this piece of paper with the initials

FHM on them

and even though there are literally millions of people on earth

with those initials

they sort of look like the initials of that prostitute

and that is all I need to declare that we are looking for a DEAD LADY

and then lestrade walks out

and holmes says haaaaaaahahahahaha

and then holmes walks out

and then watson hangs around and practices his kung fu

look

it

it's implied


SO ANYWAY

LATER THAT NIGHT

some people show up and set up a MYSTERY DINNER for five people

I don't mean the dinner is a mystery

it's pretty obviously like, duck

and whatever else rich people at the time ate

I mean the reason behind the dinner is a mystery

DUN DUN DUN

holmes comes back and he's all

watson

stop it

with the kung fu

you can do that later

right now we have to listen for the door to ring

DRAMATICALLY

and it does and it is simon

dick

and simon is all

wha

ho

wha

you

I

and holmes is all I told you so

and then the door rings again

DUN DUN DUN

and it's hattie

who did not get a name change

but did find her sort of dead first husband

RECORD SCRATCH

so yeah hattie had been married

in secret

to this AMERICAN

who had the sort of bad manners that americans are known for

and had gone off and died

except he had not died but had been captured

like you do

by indians

and came back just in time to see his wife getting married

to some english dick

AND THEN THEY HAVE DINNER

except simon who is all upset at having lost all that money

and also his wife I GUESS


so the moral is

don't be lestrade

who is probably still sifting through the thames

to this day.

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