It only gets better

Why are you here and not here?
Just saying

The dying detective
is not exactly a mystery story in the strictest sense
it is a story
about a detective
who is dying

Pretty simple

anyway, the story starts out with watson straight up trashing holmes
look, holmes and watson were obviously the greatest of friends
and not in a wink wink kind of way
so do not link me to your fanfiction
or you can I guess, I need a new porn to make fun of
but Watson will take any excuse to browbeat holmes

case in point
the first two pages are all about how
mrs hudson is a literal saint for putting up with holmes
who shoots revolvers indoors
and has a severe disguise addiction
but it's probably okay
since holmes makes sure she is PAID
and then somehow that leads into holmes dying
if it were me the dying part would come first
but whatever

so mrs hudson has been sent to fetch watson
because holmes is being strange again
and watson immediately drops everything to rush over
this is a fairly consistent thing for watson
his life is pretty much based around dropping everything
to run off with holmes
and play
YOU PUT THAT FANFICTION DOWN THIS INSTANT

but in this case it's totally justified because holmes
is straight up sick
and not only is he sick
but he is humorously nasty to watson
maybe it's a side-effect?
Oh doctor my throat is all sore
and I have a fever
and you have a jerky face

so holmes has refused to see any other doctor besides watson
and he reacts almost violently to the idea of other doctors
and watson seems so happy
you know, in a somber way
that his friend trusts him that much

but NO
holmes lies there and basically refuses to be treated
and trashes watson
and the whole concept of watson being a doctor
watson maybe you are a doctor of SUCKING
like holmes was so insistent that watson show up
just so he could totally dump on his only friend
right before he dies
I'm surprised he wasn't racist as well
oh watson maybe you got a medical degree
because ALL SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE MEAN WITH MONEY
haha
zing

so far in this story we have two men being childishly mean to each other
and one man acting all crazy while dying
so why not throw some raving in there as well?
And I guess I could actually reveal the plot
such as it is
the plot being that watson is trapped in a room with a crazy man
who acts crazy
there is your fucking plot synopsis

holmes has agreed that watson can go get a doctor
but not a real doctor
and not watson
cause seriously fuck you kilt-man
but some specific doctor to be named at 6 pm
6 pm sharp
until then you can just sit right the fuck down, watson
and listen to holmes rave about oysters

shit
this is the best part of the story
half-crowns are involved too
I don't even know what the fuck a half-crown is
some english thing
holmes is just seriously losing his shit
eyes rolling in the back of his head and all

and then BING BONG BING BONG it's 6
go fetch Culverton Smith
no he's not a doctor
just do it
or I'll throw my crazy at you
since watson is fairly dutiful he does this
and mister culverton smith does his damnedest to be as creepy as possible
oh holmes is sick is he
hahahahaha I mean oh no
yes I will go and see him
so I can gloat
I-I mean whatever the opposite is
and watson sees nothing wrong with this
i do not understand characters sometimes
i mean this guy
is practically wearing a shirt that says
I AM THE BAD GUY
whatever

watson runs back to holmes
who forces him to hide behind the bed
and watson, being a reasonable adult, refuses this insane--
I mean wait, he does exactly that
damnit watson

and then culverton
man I love that name
culverton shows up and does a typical villian rant
MWA-HA-HA-HA HOLMES IS DYING
AND IT IS BECAUSE OF ME
I SENT YOU A BOX THAT HAD A DISEASE IN IT
AND NOW YOU ARE DYING

and holmes says
gotcha, motherfucker
so yeah, it was all a ruse
and the illness was all some clever makeup
and the police come and drag culverton away
culverton culverton culverton
and holmes sort of apologises to watson
all, well of course you couldn't come near me, you would have seen the makeup
and everyone has a good laugh

and then watson starts punching holmes
while weeping
the end