so check it
watson is pretty much a pimp
I know what you're thinking
you're thinking
“i like pie a whole lot”
well stop it
pie is pretty good
but we're talking about watson
so watson has gotten a bad reputation
thanks to movies mostly
I mean basil rathbone has a lot to answer for
in that respect
but people think watson is like
fat
and
old
and possibly retarded
but he's really like
a suave and generally suntanned doctor
what lady wouldn't want to marry a doctor?
A dumb lady
anyway the noble bachelor
starts with watson hanging around baker street
waiting to get married
and he casually mentions that hey
he didn't go out that day because
he has a bullet lodged in his leg
FUCKING BADASS
I TOLD YOU
so holmes wanders in
and watson straight up starts making fun of his mail
SUCK IT HOLMES
WHO IS WRITING TO YOU NOW
PROSTITUTES PROBABLY
WAIT NO
WHAT IS MORE EMBARRASSING
SOME DUDE WHO SELLS FISHES
OR MAYBE A LORD
wait that isn't all that funny
but yeah it is a lord
sorry holmes
lord st simon had a wedding
but it didn't go that well
like the cake was coconut
who the fuck eats coconut cake
at a wedding
scandalous
also his wife sort of ran out on him
after the wedding
no biggie
so lord simon asks holmes to
you know
find his missing wife
who is an american
and you all know how those americans can be
wink wink
but seriously simon would like to see her again
also her name is hattie
wait
hold up
hattie?
Okay listen
I understand this was a different time
and some woman
who was not a mental patient
named her two sons sherlock and mycroft
I mean major prank there
but hattie?
Hey lads
try checking the local clerks office
she is probably just filing a name change
christ
holmes is on the case!
Oh wait so is lestrade
by the way
don't forget
lestrade is also on the case
hahahaha
everyone has a bit of a laugh over this
spoilers
lestrade is basically useless
so holmes and watson hang around and wait
for lord st simon to show up
and they read newspapers
while they wait
YOU COULD CUT THE TENSION WITH A KNIFE
and then lord st simon shows up
we will call him simon from now on
it is shorter and also a little rude
spoilers
simon is basically a dick
simon tells them that the marriage went off without a hitch
except for the bit where his wife
flung her flowers at some dude in the church
for no reason
no biggie
and then after the wedding
some prostitute that he was boning showed up
at his house
and threatened to kill his wife
no biggie
and then she disappeared!
What could possibly have happened
also simon mentions a few times that
you know
his wife is an AMERICAN
and said weird AMERICAN things
so she probably just came over all AMERICAN
after realising what an english stud she'd managed to pick up
oh
also
hattie
hahahaha
sorry
hattie was rich
super rich
but simon married her out of love
promise
also she was half his age
love!
So
said simon
to holmes
I understand this is a really thorny problem
and also you are probably all overcome because you are speaking to a lord
it happens
I won't tell
but help a brother out
but holmes has got it
IN THE BAG
and he is all like yeah
no sweat
I got it figured out
also I am used to working with kings
just throwing that out there
dick
and simon is like
haha
you won't be able to help me
and walks out
THEN WHY HIRE HIM
SERIOUSLY
WE HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT YOU ARE A DICK
BUT ARE YOU STUPID AS WELL
BECAUSE YOU JUST ADMITTED TO HIRING A DETECTIVE
WHEN YOU DON'T THINK HE CAN SOLVE THE CASE
dick
so then lestrade shows up
and everyone has a major fucking party
I mean orgasms just
everywhere
it's lestrade
wooooo
no seriously lestrade is basically comic relief
that isn't funny
so lestrade shows up and right away is all
so I have been doing man's work
today
manly work
sifting through the thames
that's what men do
when they're looking for bodies
and holmes is all haaaaaaahahahaha
and lestrade is like what?
And holmes is all haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha
and lestrade is like WHAT?
And holmes is like are you really looking for the dead body of hattie
aka
mrs st simon
in the river?
Look said lestrade
I have GOT THIS
and even though you have solved all of my cases
so far
I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SNIDE TO YOU
and also I have this wedding dress we pulled out of river
there isn't a body in it
per se
but I am pretty confident that a body was near it at some point
so there
also there is this piece of paper with the initials
FHM on them
and even though there are literally millions of people on earth
with those initials
they sort of look like the initials of that prostitute
and that is all I need to declare that we are looking for a DEAD LADY
and then lestrade walks out
and holmes says haaaaaaahahahahaha
and then holmes walks out
and then watson hangs around and practices his kung fu
look
it
it's implied
SO ANYWAY
LATER THAT NIGHT
some people show up and set up a MYSTERY DINNER for five people
I don't mean the dinner is a mystery
it's pretty obviously like, duck
and whatever else rich people at the time ate
I mean the reason behind the dinner is a mystery
DUN DUN DUN
holmes comes back and he's all
watson
stop it
with the kung fu
you can do that later
right now we have to listen for the door to ring
DRAMATICALLY
and it does and it is simon
dick
and simon is all
wha
ho
wha
you
I
and holmes is all I told you so
and then the door rings again
DUN DUN DUN
and it's hattie
who did not get a name change
but did find her sort of dead first husband
RECORD SCRATCH
so yeah hattie had been married
in secret
to this AMERICAN
who had the sort of bad manners that americans are known for
and had gone off and died
except he had not died but had been captured
like you do
by indians
and came back just in time to see his wife getting married
to some english dick
AND THEN THEY HAVE DINNER
except simon who is all upset at having lost all that money
and also his wife I GUESS
so the moral is
don't be lestrade
who is probably still sifting through the thames
to this day.