Sunday, January 29, 2012

Guide To Being Eaten By The Internet

Hi!  It looks as if you're being EATEN BY THE INTERNET.  Who knew that insulting that customer/stealing from that artist/closing down that charity effort/bad-mouthing that internet celebrity would pay off so quickly?  For your convenience, I have compiled a list of helpful suggestions to improve your EATEN BY THE INTERNET experience.

1)  Apologies?  You don't need no stinkin' apologies.  Remember, admitting that you might have been at fault for any reason is just another way of saying that you are a weak, sad person.  

2)  Make sure to engage in plenty of defensive posturing.  It will cause people to be impressed by your eloquence and wit.

3)  Do people seem offended by you?  That just means it's working.  Call them names for good measure.

4)  Make sure you accuse everyone who is shouting at you of engaging in their own illegal activities.  After all, two illegal activities combine together and either cancel each other out or create the head for Megazord.  Either way, you win.

5)  Definitely use either racial, misogynistic, or homophobic slurs.  Those are the best.

6)  If you have a meltdown, make sure it's posted in a place that anyone can see it.  Then delete it.  Then post another one.  Then delete that and cry a bit.  This will delight your fans and unsettle your enemies.

7)  After throwing a hissy fit and refusing to stop whatever has angered everyone, make sure to congratulate yourself on how mature you're being.  Buy a cake!

8)  Finally, convince yourself that the internet isn't forever.  Eat your cake.  Imagine that you are the internet and the cake is you.

I hope this guide can increase the enjoyment that you get from your BEING EATEN BY THE INTERNET experience.  

1 comment:

  1. Addendum to #7: Be sure to point out your maturity on several public forums, so that people know that you know how adult you are being.