The Darkness: Part One

Did you honestly think that I'd forgotten The Darkness?  Silly!  No, I had Mass Effect depression for a couple of weeks, but I eventually rallied, complained a lot on the internet, and then started The Darkness.  So here we go!


The Darkness!

So the game opens with my character in a speeding car with two obvious mobsters, talking about obvious mobster shit.  We're then chased by the police, for being obvious mobsters.  It's neat.  The only hinderance is the fact that I appear to have autonomy, but can't actually do anything with the gun that expendable mobster A shoved into my hands.

Oops, there goes expendable mobster A.

Expendable mobster B is now shouting at me to use my gun, which is somehow the cue for me to... actually use my gun?

Boom boom, motherfuckers.

Okay, everyone has really obnoxious New Jersey mob-style accents.  My husband is not going to stop doing his really bad mobster impression for weeks, is he?

Hold on.

Okay, now that he's tied up, back to our chase scene already in progress.

HOOOOLY SHIT!

That was a pretty fucking epic crash sequence.

Expendable mobster B actually has a piece of bone sticking out of his leg.  EWWWWW.  But immersive!

He gave me some exposition and some guns before dying.  I shot him in the head, just to  make sure.

Okay!  So I'm the nephew of some dude named Paulie, who wants some other guy dead.  I can handle that.

My name is Jackie, for the record.  Paulie, Jackie, and expendable mobster B was named Mickey.  I'm sensing a trend.

I'm being attacked by construction workers with really filthy mouths.  Oh, and guns.

I didn't know you needed a concealed weapons permit to work in construction, but ok.

I'm probably just too used to playing Mass Effect, but holy hell these guys can take a lot of bullets before going down.

Oh Christ.  Is Jackie wearing a leather trenchcoat?

JACKIE.

I walked into a room and Paulie started talking to me over a video recording.  He's been taking lessons from the Joker!

Right up to and including "Obvious Puns in Your Threatening Message."

"I left you a present, it's in the closet.  Have a blast!"

Okay so it's a... yeah, it's a bomb.

I can see why you got into the mobster business Paulie, with one-liners like those.

Jackie somehow survived the blast AND the three story fall.  It must have been the trenchcoat.

Then Jackie has a cutscene all to himself where he explains that Paulie's a BAD MOBSTER who got into drug running and working with the cops, while Jackie's a GOOD MOBSTER who looks out for the family, and... no, that's it.

I'm not sure there's a whole lot of income generation implicit in "you gotta look out for the family!", Jackster.  Look, Paulie might not be the best at making jokes, but at least he brings in some money!

I made it into a cemetery.  I'm getting shades of Silent Hill, here.

I met a bum in a bathroom.

I quit.

Okay, fine, Jesus.

Th-the TOILET BUM informed me that I was in a bathroom (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) and that I could get out of the cemetery by blasting open a gate.  He was less amused than I am about the fact that Jackie apparently just throws the word "fucking" into random sentences.

I'M JACKIE I HAVE LONG HAIR AND A TRENCHCOAT AND I SAY FUCKING A LOT BECAUSE I'M HARDCORE MEEEEEEH

Sorry.

That's a lie, I'm not sorry.

OOOOH I'M A MOBSTER BUT I'M A NICE MOBSTER SO I'M A TRAGIC CHARACTER OOOOOOH

hahahaha sick burOH JESUS GOD WHAT'S HAPPENING OH GOD OH JESUS OH GOD

Is it because I made fun of Jackie, game?  I'm so sorry.  Oh Shiva.

AIIIIIE IT'S TALKING TO ME

Ok.  So I was leaving Toilet Bum to his toilet bumming when suddenly a digitally modulated voice started talking to me.  And then I grew tentacles with faces and the faces reached out and bit off everyone's faces I guess because they need more faces for their faces OH GOD.

Can you imagine if someone started playing this game, thinking it was just a normal mobster game?  An entire hour of shooting bad mobster caricatures and then TENTACLES WITH FACES HAHA

HAHAHAHAHA WHAT

This just gets better and better.

I now have the ability to spawn a little chittering demon thing that can show me exits and kill things and emit a stream of COMPLETELY ADORABLE gangster talk.

I directed him towards a storefront.  He ran over and then turned around and yelled "Yo!"

He killed a man by tearing his throat out.  As the man gurgled to death, the demon yelled "Peace out!"

SO FUCKING CUTE.

Also the tentacles with faces have a kind of an eel quality to them.  They're unintentionally cute as well.

Uh.

Well that one just devoured a dead man's heart, so maybe...

...no, still cute.

Okay, new cutscene.  It appears as if Jackie's talking to his girlfriend named... Jenny.

Well, trend supported.

I think I'll call Jenny on this handy payphone.

Yeah doll.  It's me.  Listen, just be super careful until I get there, okay?  No reason.

Her response is to tell me that she's a big girl and can handle herself.

Will she a) get abducted or b) get killed?

It's a video game, silly.  No over-confident women has said something about being able to handle herself without getting shown the error of her ways.

Silly women!

I met up with a bad italian stereotype who wanted to know if I was still dating my girlfriend, because if she's free...

God man, show some tact.  Look, you've gone and offended my shoulder eels.

This subway is peppered with graffiti and actual adverts for products and movies that don't exist.  Look, um.  Um.  This game is really, really charming.  Um.  I think I might have accidentally picked up a great game.

Shit.

It's kinda neat that I can walk the streets of downtown wherever we are, and while yes I'm getting shot at by mobsters, they still react if I pull my shoulder eels out.  Sometimes they even run away!

Show some respect to the shoulder eels.

I finally met up with my girlfriend, who called me rat-face.

Haha, okay, you got me.  I do kinda look like a rat.

I decided to tell her the truth about the fact that I kill people in the face for a living.  She insisted I was just making up a story to cover up the real problem.

All right, so Jenny here ain't the brightest bulb.  That's okay.  At least she hasn't been kidnapped yet.

Huh, Jenny managed to survive past several cutscenes.  Well played, Jenny.

I'm supposed to go meet Butcher.  These mafia names are getting frankly ridiculous.

Butcher told me to whack Dutch Oven Harry in order to get to Silly String Mallone, who's great friends with Wild Balls Frank, who sometimes sleeps with Paulie.

Great, and now I'm being attacked by corrupt cops.  Like I don't have enough problems.

This game isn't the greatest at showing where on the map I'm meant to go, so I tend just to follow the trail of enemies.

Jackster here has just gone overboard with these mafia references.  He's like the uber-nerd at the after-school anime club, pointing out that Super Sparkle Love Love Girls is actually a reference to The Yum-Yum Show, actually.

Yes, I am hoping to gain popularity by indirectly--and poorly--referencing K.C. Green.  That is literally my plan.

Also Jackie is more like the kid that laughs a little too loudly and constantly talks about Dragonball Z, since it's the only anime he's ever seen.

Jackie is getting a little tiresome, is I guess what I'm saying.

A better Mass Effect 3 ending (SPOILERS)

OH GOD THERE ARE SPOILERS RUN AWAY SPOILERS WILL EAT YOUR FACE

Shepard collapsed next to Anderson, blood pouring down her face. The curvature of the earth was laid out before them, bright even through the haze of cannons, and lasers, and the fog of war. Anderson touched her hand lightly and coughed.

"You did good, kid." he whispered. Shepard smiled and winced. The pain was there, but beginning to fade into the background. She wondered if that meant she was dying. She thought about asking Anderson, suddenly realising that he'd gone limp beside her.

No tears. It was a death to be proud of. She wondered if she should have commissioned that for her gravestone--A Death To Be Proud Of--and then fought back the urge to giggle hysterically.

She was watching the view through the opened arms of the citadel, waiting for the blackness to overtake her, when a sudden, sharp light appeared in the room. She had always thought that the light was supposed to happen after the darkness, and wondered briefly if she was going insane.

The light coalesced into a form, a figure, standing in front of the console she had recently bled all over. Spots danced in front of her eyes for a moment before she realised that the figure was fiddling with the console himself. A large explosion echoed distantly.

He turned.

"Who are you?" she whispered, hoping she wouldn't have to move.

The figure stepped forward, and the light faded. He was bearded and robed, with a gentle face and a Serrice brand visor. It was blue. His eyes were blue. Shepard tried not to giggle again.

He crossed the room in two steps and held his hand out to her.

"Shepard. I am God."

Another explosion sounded, closer than the one previously. The pain had come back. She boggled.

"What, like God... God?"

He nodded gravely.

She licked her lips nervously and stared at his outstretched hand.

"Take it." he whispered. She slipped her hand into his and realised the pain was fading again--but this time without the darkness nipping at her. He helped her stand.

"What are you doing?" she asked, suddenly realising that the explosions were steady, and sounded suspiciously like gunfire.

"I started the guns for you."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

She decided not to argue.

"Well, then... am I dead? Or am I dying?"

His eyes twinkled.

"Do you want to die?"

PARAGON ANSWER: That seems like the most logical ending
RENEGADE ANSWER: Fuck, no.

Then they both jumped in his space Mercedes and flew off, the end.