Showing posts with label this is only funny to me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label this is only funny to me. Show all posts
Friday, November 11, 2011
One Sentence Synopsis: Silent Hill Homecoming
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Things That Make My Head Hurt: Hercules
Most people know three things about Hercules: that he was incredibly strong, that he was tasked to do a series of labors for some reason, and that a load of women followed him around, inexplicably singing gospel music at him.
Hercules is one of those iconic characters, a lot like Sherlock Holmes; everyone knows who is he, but nobody really knows anything about him. I suspect that this is for a very good reason.
So check it.
Hercules was the son of Zeus, the main dude of the Gods. Zeus had a real problem keeping his junk in his pants, so he had quite a few children running around--but for some reason, this particular child annoyed his wife, Hera, the very most. You'd think after a while that she'd just get used to it, but who can fathom the depths of a woman? Also Hera was Zeus' sister, which makes me a little cautious to accept that fancy dress party invitation from the ancient greeks.
At any rate, Zeus boned Alcmene--try saying that three times fast--and Hercules was born. I know I'm trying to focus on this origin story, but Alcmene also happened to be Zeus' great-granddaughter. What the fuck, ancient greeks? What the fuck.
Right, sorry, Hercules. Born. Giant baby. Zeus, for whatever reasons that will only be known to him, decided to allow the baby to feed from Hera--who I guess just happened to be lactating at the time?--while she was sleeping, so maybe that explains why she has a rod up her ass about the whole Hercules thing. This little scheme allowed Hercules to become partially immortal, which, you know? I guess kind of makes sense. At least one thing in this story does.
Hercules goes back to live on earth, and Hera decides that she doesn't have anything better to do than kill a baby, so she sends some snakes after him. Now, look, I'm not saying I want Hera to succeed in killing Hercules any more than the next person, but she is an immortal goddess. He is a dude that can lift things. She never, ever, EVER manages to kill him.
Look, I'm going to belabor this point for a minute. Hera once turned a woman into a crane for claiming that she was the most beautiful person on earth. She once blinded a dude for agreeing with Zeus over her. She turned a lady into turtle for not showing up at a wedding. A TURTLE. And yet the best she could do with the small child that she despised over all other things was to sick some snakes on him and, I guess, hide in a corner and cackle to herself.
The snakes thing doesn't work, shockingly, and Hercules grows up to be The Strongest Man Alive(tm). A lot of various things happen--I don't intend to even start on the Labours of Hercules--but the most important part is that he marries a woman named Megara.
Hey, Disney fans, you remember Megara, right? Smart, sassy, unwilling consort of the devil. The Disney movie spends a lot of time detailing the rise and fall of their relationship, right up to the point where Hercules learns to be Selfless(tm) and Kind(tm) and then everyone rides Pegasus off into the sunset. PEGASUS BELONGED TO BELLEROPHONE YOU TWAthe majority of the Disney story is cut from whole cloth, except for the fact that A) Megara existed and B) She had a uterus. She was actually the daughter of the king of Thebes, given to Hercules for doing a terribly good job either lifting something or killing something. She dutifully bore him two children, which he MURDERED HAHAHAHA.
Yeah. Hera, who has plenty of time to up the game on her killin' step-children, decides to drive Hercules mad for a while. Just general insanity. In the throes of his insanity, Hercules murders his wife and two children. Oopsie. Not exactly a heart-warming end to that tale.
In order to atone for his guilt, Hercules agrees to do a series of tasks, which eventually is known as the 12 Labours of Hercules. Hera goes off to figure out how to, I dunno, turn Hercules' best friend into a toad or something, and all is well.
~~~
Postscript: After Alcmene births Hercules, she ends up marrying a dude who also happens to be one of Zeus' sons. Haha! No, I'm sorry ancient greeks, I'm going to be busy EVERY weekend. Yeah, even that one.
So check it.
Hercules was the son of Zeus, the main dude of the Gods. Zeus had a real problem keeping his junk in his pants, so he had quite a few children running around--but for some reason, this particular child annoyed his wife, Hera, the very most. You'd think after a while that she'd just get used to it, but who can fathom the depths of a woman? Also Hera was Zeus' sister, which makes me a little cautious to accept that fancy dress party invitation from the ancient greeks.
At any rate, Zeus boned Alcmene--try saying that three times fast--and Hercules was born. I know I'm trying to focus on this origin story, but Alcmene also happened to be Zeus' great-granddaughter. What the fuck, ancient greeks? What the fuck.
Right, sorry, Hercules. Born. Giant baby. Zeus, for whatever reasons that will only be known to him, decided to allow the baby to feed from Hera--who I guess just happened to be lactating at the time?--while she was sleeping, so maybe that explains why she has a rod up her ass about the whole Hercules thing. This little scheme allowed Hercules to become partially immortal, which, you know? I guess kind of makes sense. At least one thing in this story does.
Hercules goes back to live on earth, and Hera decides that she doesn't have anything better to do than kill a baby, so she sends some snakes after him. Now, look, I'm not saying I want Hera to succeed in killing Hercules any more than the next person, but she is an immortal goddess. He is a dude that can lift things. She never, ever, EVER manages to kill him.
Look, I'm going to belabor this point for a minute. Hera once turned a woman into a crane for claiming that she was the most beautiful person on earth. She once blinded a dude for agreeing with Zeus over her. She turned a lady into turtle for not showing up at a wedding. A TURTLE. And yet the best she could do with the small child that she despised over all other things was to sick some snakes on him and, I guess, hide in a corner and cackle to herself.
The snakes thing doesn't work, shockingly, and Hercules grows up to be The Strongest Man Alive(tm). A lot of various things happen--I don't intend to even start on the Labours of Hercules--but the most important part is that he marries a woman named Megara.
Hey, Disney fans, you remember Megara, right? Smart, sassy, unwilling consort of the devil. The Disney movie spends a lot of time detailing the rise and fall of their relationship, right up to the point where Hercules learns to be Selfless(tm) and Kind(tm) and then everyone rides Pegasus off into the sunset. PEGASUS BELONGED TO BELLEROPHONE YOU TWAthe majority of the Disney story is cut from whole cloth, except for the fact that A) Megara existed and B) She had a uterus. She was actually the daughter of the king of Thebes, given to Hercules for doing a terribly good job either lifting something or killing something. She dutifully bore him two children, which he MURDERED HAHAHAHA.
Yeah. Hera, who has plenty of time to up the game on her killin' step-children, decides to drive Hercules mad for a while. Just general insanity. In the throes of his insanity, Hercules murders his wife and two children. Oopsie. Not exactly a heart-warming end to that tale.
In order to atone for his guilt, Hercules agrees to do a series of tasks, which eventually is known as the 12 Labours of Hercules. Hera goes off to figure out how to, I dunno, turn Hercules' best friend into a toad or something, and all is well.
~~~
Postscript: After Alcmene births Hercules, she ends up marrying a dude who also happens to be one of Zeus' sons. Haha! No, I'm sorry ancient greeks, I'm going to be busy EVERY weekend. Yeah, even that one.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Silent Hill: Homecoming: Return of the Jedi
First post can be found here
And the second post, here
Well here we are again
It's always such a pleasure
Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
so instead of a genuinely fun game like Portal, I'm playing Silent Hill: Homecoming. I get to redo an hour's worth of gameplay because of some goddamned, bitchy nurses. Bitches.
Oh great, I forgot that hole-in-the-door woman went to the same acting school as mom.
"I wonder who slept in this bed last" I gotta be honest with you buddy, that would be the last thing I would be thinking about in a mouldering, demon infested hotel.
Must be that military training.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
I have played through the same part 3 times. FUCK this game.
I have finally gotten some pistol ammunition, so I can take care of these ladies like God intended.
WITH BULLETS
You don't fool me with your sexy walk, evil demon nurses.
SAVE POINT SAVE POINT
oh man save point, will you marry me? Ours is a pure, wholesome love.
So after all that, hole-in-the-door lady gives me a key and says thanks. Uh, really?
Can't a former marine get some love?
What's behind mystery door number 3?!
It's Josh. Fucking brat.
So you're telling me after years of military training, not only can Alex not clear that jump, he doesn't possess the upper body strength to hoist himself out of a hole?
The secret ending is that Alex's 'military service' was all a scam to get some VA benefits.
"I wonder what I've fallen into?" I-it's a dining room, Alex. There are chairs and tables and plates. Okay? It is clearly a dining room.
Alex, are you sure you should be wandering around without a caregiver or something?
That's Mayor Bartlett?
Huh.
Oh, oops. Bye-bye Mayor Bartlett.
Oh Alex, Jesus can't protect you now.
This giant, clearly-a-boss-monster is very giant and screeching, but what I don't understand is: why is he vomiting up black tar?
Yup, that's the one thing that stands out to me.
Now pardon me while I hide in the closet and cry.
I killed the monster, and it fell down a giant, unending hole. Huh. Wonder what that symbolizes.
OH JESUS FUCKING SAVIOUR CHRISTING HELL ALEX ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO STAND BY THE GIANT GATEWAY TO HELL?
hurr durr hurr
Maybe this game will surprise me, and Alex won't fall down the h--...nevermind.
Twat. Twat. Idiot. Useless twat.
I woke up in a jail cell. In walks a racist caricature. YAY.
The racist caricature let me out when I told him that the mayor had been killed by a creature. YAY.
Uh, sir? There's a giant bloodstain on the floor? Sir?
...
YAY.
I have no weapons. There's growling. Oh god. Where the fuck are my weapSAVE POINT.
We have to stop meeting like this, save point.
And start meeting like THIS.
Racist caricature died pretty quickly. Ah well. We hardly knew ye.
New creatures! The achievement I get is Split Personality. DUDE I AM SO CALLING IT, ALEX DOESN'T REALLY EXIST.
And the second post, here
Well here we are again
It's always such a pleasure
Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
so instead of a genuinely fun game like Portal, I'm playing Silent Hill: Homecoming. I get to redo an hour's worth of gameplay because of some goddamned, bitchy nurses. Bitches.
Oh great, I forgot that hole-in-the-door woman went to the same acting school as mom.
"I wonder who slept in this bed last" I gotta be honest with you buddy, that would be the last thing I would be thinking about in a mouldering, demon infested hotel.
Must be that military training.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
I have played through the same part 3 times. FUCK this game.
I have finally gotten some pistol ammunition, so I can take care of these ladies like God intended.
WITH BULLETS
You don't fool me with your sexy walk, evil demon nurses.
SAVE POINT SAVE POINT
oh man save point, will you marry me? Ours is a pure, wholesome love.
So after all that, hole-in-the-door lady gives me a key and says thanks. Uh, really?
Can't a former marine get some love?
What's behind mystery door number 3?!
It's Josh. Fucking brat.
So you're telling me after years of military training, not only can Alex not clear that jump, he doesn't possess the upper body strength to hoist himself out of a hole?
The secret ending is that Alex's 'military service' was all a scam to get some VA benefits.
"I wonder what I've fallen into?" I-it's a dining room, Alex. There are chairs and tables and plates. Okay? It is clearly a dining room.
Alex, are you sure you should be wandering around without a caregiver or something?
That's Mayor Bartlett?
Huh.
Oh, oops. Bye-bye Mayor Bartlett.
Oh Alex, Jesus can't protect you now.
This giant, clearly-a-boss-monster is very giant and screeching, but what I don't understand is: why is he vomiting up black tar?
Yup, that's the one thing that stands out to me.
Now pardon me while I hide in the closet and cry.
I killed the monster, and it fell down a giant, unending hole. Huh. Wonder what that symbolizes.
OH JESUS FUCKING SAVIOUR CHRISTING HELL ALEX ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO STAND BY THE GIANT GATEWAY TO HELL?
hurr durr hurr
Maybe this game will surprise me, and Alex won't fall down the h--...nevermind.
Twat. Twat. Idiot. Useless twat.
I woke up in a jail cell. In walks a racist caricature. YAY.
The racist caricature let me out when I told him that the mayor had been killed by a creature. YAY.
Uh, sir? There's a giant bloodstain on the floor? Sir?
...
YAY.
I have no weapons. There's growling. Oh god. Where the fuck are my weapSAVE POINT.
We have to stop meeting like this, save point.
And start meeting like THIS.
Racist caricature died pretty quickly. Ah well. We hardly knew ye.
New creatures! The achievement I get is Split Personality. DUDE I AM SO CALLING IT, ALEX DOESN'T REALLY EXIST.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Silent Hill: Homecoming: Part 2
Edit: The first post can be found here
Let's begin again!
Where we left off last: mom's catatonic, the mayor is obviously a monster in a human suit, and the main character is almost likely a figment of the creepy child's imagination. Smashing.
Hmmm, it appears as if I'm waiting on a scripted event of some kind. Guess that means I get to walk back into every single room!
Great, now I'm in a cemetary. This day just gets better and better.
Hellofanservice devil dogs!
Pyramid Head shows up, doesn't he? Fuck.
I'm not particularly frightened of Pyramid Head, I'm just not understanding how he fits in the theme of this iteration.
We've got vagina face, sexy nurses, devil dogs... in a game that focuses around two sons and an overbearing military father. If you can't figure out how to make monsters based off a military obsession mixed with a father that witholds love, then I don't know how to help you.
But a fear of women mixed with an attraction to women DOES NOT WORK.
Unless soldier boy here is secretly attracted to his mum.
...I will apologize if the main character is secretly attracted to his mum.
Health drink in the middle of a cemetary. Not complaining.
What is a health drink, anyway? I'm rather picturing a bottle of Naked Juice that's not yet out of date. Alex picks it up and thinks "YES, I love green machine."
Having considered it, I have also decided that I will apologize if one of the enemies turns out to be a military airplane made of skin with angry eyes.
This cemetary is crawling with foley artists.
That inside out dog really did not like my throat.
"Climb down" man, fuck you
no I will not climb down into a nest of bugs
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
There sure are a lot of graves in this cemetary. Depressing.
Thought for later: cemetaries could use more fairground games.
I JUST WANT THE CEMETARY BIT TO BE OVER BEFORE THE SKELETONS HAPPEN
oh god now everyone knows that I am unnecessarily afraid of living skeletons.
THANK GOD FINALLY
Alex is looking for his missing little brother, Joshua. Alex just passed a dumpster and commented that something 'smelled like it had died'. Uh.
Not to be morbid, but maybe you should check in that dumpster, dude.
Well well well, it's Alex's ex-girlfriend. Sexy!
Oh christ.
How long is this extremely awkward conversation going to continue?
blah blah blah blah just give me the walkie talkie. Your subtext of betrayed hurt doesn't bother me.
I'M BATMAN!
Wait, no, I'm still Alex. False alarm.
"There's a lot of stuff piled here. I guess Curtis isn't expecting visitors." well, or Curtis is protecting himself from the legions of skin dogs. Also, who the hell is Curtis?
Oh.
THAT'S Curtis.
You're pretty sure that gun is broken, Alex. You were in the military, and you're PRETTY sure that gun is broken?
Oh god Alex, at least hold the gun like you know what you're doing with it.
What are you going to do, pistol whip all the demons to death?
You know what? I think I'm going to need to see some military ID or something.
Okay, so you have a walkie talkie, you have military training. Impress me.
"Hello?" Okay, or just keep being Alex.
Holy shit, soundtrack, calm down.
What, have you got NIN playing back there or something?
Alex isn't comfortable hunting demons unless he has With Teeth on repeat.
So I have to go... back into the cemetary?
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
New monster time! I am grateful that it isn't a vagina monster.
coffin rumbling coffin rumbling WHY IS THE COFFIN RUMBLING
OH GOD A MONSTER'S GOING TO POP OUT AND it's a watch
There's a watch in a coffin.
Maybe it's a DEMON WATCH?
Actually it is a demon watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in Silent Hill. It is... well, it's not that much different from Shepherd's Glen, really.
Silent Hill has new and exciting doors that refuse to open for me.
I like that the map helpfully points out which doors won't open. Cheers, mate.
Aw shit.
Come on thankfully not a vagina monster, why you gotta play me like that?
Why does the elevator make a squelching noise?
I hate this game.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS
ARGH I HATE THIS GAME
I have found a hole in a door that has a lady's voice. She seems nice. I think we're dating.
and there's Pyramid Head!
CALLED IT
He walked over, stared at me in a way that made it obvious that he saw me, and then walked off.
And 100 fanboys just orgasmed.
Here's a new enemy--a flesh spider. And spiders are mentioned at one point in the game. We'll count that as a viable metaphor.
WE HAVE VIABLE METAPHOR, REPEAT, VIABLE METAPHOR
Oh good I got swarmed by nurses that can't be blocked
YAY
FUCK THIS
Let's begin again!
Where we left off last: mom's catatonic, the mayor is obviously a monster in a human suit, and the main character is almost likely a figment of the creepy child's imagination. Smashing.
Hmmm, it appears as if I'm waiting on a scripted event of some kind. Guess that means I get to walk back into every single room!
Great, now I'm in a cemetary. This day just gets better and better.
Hello
Pyramid Head shows up, doesn't he? Fuck.
I'm not particularly frightened of Pyramid Head, I'm just not understanding how he fits in the theme of this iteration.
We've got vagina face, sexy nurses, devil dogs... in a game that focuses around two sons and an overbearing military father. If you can't figure out how to make monsters based off a military obsession mixed with a father that witholds love, then I don't know how to help you.
But a fear of women mixed with an attraction to women DOES NOT WORK.
Unless soldier boy here is secretly attracted to his mum.
...I will apologize if the main character is secretly attracted to his mum.
Health drink in the middle of a cemetary. Not complaining.
What is a health drink, anyway? I'm rather picturing a bottle of Naked Juice that's not yet out of date. Alex picks it up and thinks "YES, I love green machine."
Having considered it, I have also decided that I will apologize if one of the enemies turns out to be a military airplane made of skin with angry eyes.
This cemetary is crawling with foley artists.
That inside out dog really did not like my throat.
"Climb down" man, fuck you
no I will not climb down into a nest of bugs
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
There sure are a lot of graves in this cemetary. Depressing.
Thought for later: cemetaries could use more fairground games.
I JUST WANT THE CEMETARY BIT TO BE OVER BEFORE THE SKELETONS HAPPEN
oh god now everyone knows that I am unnecessarily afraid of living skeletons.
THANK GOD FINALLY
Alex is looking for his missing little brother, Joshua. Alex just passed a dumpster and commented that something 'smelled like it had died'. Uh.
Not to be morbid, but maybe you should check in that dumpster, dude.
Well well well, it's Alex's ex-girlfriend. Sexy!
Oh christ.
How long is this extremely awkward conversation going to continue?
blah blah blah blah just give me the walkie talkie. Your subtext of betrayed hurt doesn't bother me.
I'M BATMAN!
Wait, no, I'm still Alex. False alarm.
"There's a lot of stuff piled here. I guess Curtis isn't expecting visitors." well, or Curtis is protecting himself from the legions of skin dogs. Also, who the hell is Curtis?
Oh.
THAT'S Curtis.
You're pretty sure that gun is broken, Alex. You were in the military, and you're PRETTY sure that gun is broken?
Oh god Alex, at least hold the gun like you know what you're doing with it.
What are you going to do, pistol whip all the demons to death?
You know what? I think I'm going to need to see some military ID or something.
Okay, so you have a walkie talkie, you have military training. Impress me.
"Hello?" Okay, or just keep being Alex.
Holy shit, soundtrack, calm down.
What, have you got NIN playing back there or something?
Alex isn't comfortable hunting demons unless he has With Teeth on repeat.
So I have to go... back into the cemetary?
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
New monster time! I am grateful that it isn't a vagina monster.
coffin rumbling coffin rumbling WHY IS THE COFFIN RUMBLING
OH GOD A MONSTER'S GOING TO POP OUT AND it's a watch
There's a watch in a coffin.
Maybe it's a DEMON WATCH?
Actually it is a demon watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in Silent Hill. It is... well, it's not that much different from Shepherd's Glen, really.
Silent Hill has new and exciting doors that refuse to open for me.
I like that the map helpfully points out which doors won't open. Cheers, mate.
Aw shit.
Come on thankfully not a vagina monster, why you gotta play me like that?
Why does the elevator make a squelching noise?
I hate this game.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS
ARGH I HATE THIS GAME
I have found a hole in a door that has a lady's voice. She seems nice. I think we're dating.
and there's Pyramid Head!
CALLED IT
He walked over, stared at me in a way that made it obvious that he saw me, and then walked off.
And 100 fanboys just orgasmed.
Here's a new enemy--a flesh spider. And spiders are mentioned at one point in the game. We'll count that as a viable metaphor.
WE HAVE VIABLE METAPHOR, REPEAT, VIABLE METAPHOR
Oh good I got swarmed by nurses that can't be blocked
YAY
FUCK THIS
Silent Hill: Homecoming
Hey cats and kits, what's happening? A lot's been going on here, none of which is particularly interesting.
What is interesting is that it's October! And in October, I brave the forces of my extremely wimpy nature and play a horror game. This year I've chosen Silent Hill: Homecoming, and as a change of pace, I will write up a nice, slightly muddled post about the story. Think of it as cliff notes for weird games.
Until that time, I'm going to post a list of notes and thoughts that I've jotted down while playing the game. Warning: they may not all make sense, even IN context.
~~
Starts in a creepy hospital. Voice acting is surprisingly good.
We're going to take this guy and experiment on him. Better give him a torch.
OH GOD CEILING CORPSE
Why is the mirror bleeding? Well, there's a knife in it, obviously.
Hell waited until I had a weapon before opening a portal. That's considerate.
OUT OF NOWHERE A WHEELCHAIR
Stab a door open. It's a spine. Except then it becomes a fleshy open portal with teeth.
Here's the thing, repressed sexual aggression was James' problem. Why is this soldier trying to find his brother being plagued by sexual metaphors.
I should probably watch the opening cinematic.
There was a bug on my face and I couldn't tell.
But thanks for letting me know I got an achievement there, xbox.
Couldn't decide if i wanted to go down the hallway or through the door. Turns out the hallway just had an achievement.
How do you feel about beating up a bunch of women, soldier? Do you feel like a man?
Creepy boy has asked me for a toy. Yeah kid, I'll get your devil toy for you.
A toy was just pulled through a gaping, bleeding gash. Really?
...really?
And I have to stick my hand in it! I get attacked, of course.
VAGINAS ARE NOT THAT SCARY, YOU GUYS
This torch is shit. Who the hell made this torch? I want to complain to the manager.
Somebody get hell's manager, I need to complain about this torch.
I get it, 100 doors I can't open is very spooky. It also means I can't find my way so that I get lots and lots of time to listen to your foley man try
to scare the piss out of me.
IT'S WORKING BY THE WAY
AW JESUS KID DON'T RUN AWAY AGAIN man fuck you.
I really need to watch the opening cinematic.
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT THE FUCK
it was a dream. He was dreaming.
Oh shit, this IS the opening cinematic.
EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME WAS THE BIT BEFORE THE OPENING CINEMATIC.
"Good luck, soldier." says the creepy truck driver. He failed to add "Hope we can do that again some time" while looking wistful.
Gay jokes! Always funny.
So in the dream of hell that I had I picked up a knife, a first aid kit, and a health drink. I started, for some reason, with a radio and a torch.
Back in the real world, I have everything except the torch and the radio. O... kay then.
I guess that torch was recalled for being shite.
All the doors in this town are broken. A proper locksmith could make a killing.
OH GOD THE FACIAL ANIMATIONS ARE THEY DEMONS FROM HELL OH GOD
THAT'S NOT A JUDGE THAT'S A SUCCUBUS TAKEN HUMAN FORM KILL HER BEFORE SHE BURSTS FROM HER HUMAN SHELL
I'm back home. Looks like nobody's mowed the lawn in a while. I bet I'll get bitched out about that.
His jacket is a camo jacket.
SIGH
A lone chair parked in the middle of the living room. I'm sure mom doesn't rock in it while she stares at the wall and mutters. That would be crazy!
An army of grandmas lives in this house.
The doilies! The doilies of DOOM.
Konami, take note: Next game should have a hell demon that is based off a doily.
I'm calling it: the soldier isn't real, he's a figment of the creepy kid's imagination. He is a manifestation of the kid's desire to please his father,
who is a former soldier.
CALLING. IT.
Oh good, it's the shite flashlight again. It's like an old friend.
Mom went to the Torgo school of acting.
"I had this dream. I just have a feeling he's in trouble. Don't worry about it." COMFORT SON WINS AGAIN.
New zombie model! He has a vagina face. I AM FORCED YET AGAIN TO REITERATE THAT LADIES ARE NOT THAT SCARY.
To get into the spirit of things, I have pushed over a dress form. Take that, women.
What is interesting is that it's October! And in October, I brave the forces of my extremely wimpy nature and play a horror game. This year I've chosen Silent Hill: Homecoming, and as a change of pace, I will write up a nice, slightly muddled post about the story. Think of it as cliff notes for weird games.
Until that time, I'm going to post a list of notes and thoughts that I've jotted down while playing the game. Warning: they may not all make sense, even IN context.
~~
Starts in a creepy hospital. Voice acting is surprisingly good.
We're going to take this guy and experiment on him. Better give him a torch.
OH GOD CEILING CORPSE
Why is the mirror bleeding? Well, there's a knife in it, obviously.
Hell waited until I had a weapon before opening a portal. That's considerate.
OUT OF NOWHERE A WHEELCHAIR
Stab a door open. It's a spine. Except then it becomes a fleshy open portal with teeth.
Here's the thing, repressed sexual aggression was James' problem. Why is this soldier trying to find his brother being plagued by sexual metaphors.
I should probably watch the opening cinematic.
There was a bug on my face and I couldn't tell.
But thanks for letting me know I got an achievement there, xbox.
Couldn't decide if i wanted to go down the hallway or through the door. Turns out the hallway just had an achievement.
How do you feel about beating up a bunch of women, soldier? Do you feel like a man?
Creepy boy has asked me for a toy. Yeah kid, I'll get your devil toy for you.
A toy was just pulled through a gaping, bleeding gash. Really?
...really?
And I have to stick my hand in it! I get attacked, of course.
VAGINAS ARE NOT THAT SCARY, YOU GUYS
This torch is shit. Who the hell made this torch? I want to complain to the manager.
Somebody get hell's manager, I need to complain about this torch.
I get it, 100 doors I can't open is very spooky. It also means I can't find my way so that I get lots and lots of time to listen to your foley man try
to scare the piss out of me.
IT'S WORKING BY THE WAY
AW JESUS KID DON'T RUN AWAY AGAIN man fuck you.
I really need to watch the opening cinematic.
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT THE FUCK
it was a dream. He was dreaming.
Oh shit, this IS the opening cinematic.
EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME WAS THE BIT BEFORE THE OPENING CINEMATIC.
"Good luck, soldier." says the creepy truck driver. He failed to add "Hope we can do that again some time" while looking wistful.
Gay jokes! Always funny.
So in the dream of hell that I had I picked up a knife, a first aid kit, and a health drink. I started, for some reason, with a radio and a torch.
Back in the real world, I have everything except the torch and the radio. O... kay then.
I guess that torch was recalled for being shite.
All the doors in this town are broken. A proper locksmith could make a killing.
OH GOD THE FACIAL ANIMATIONS ARE THEY DEMONS FROM HELL OH GOD
THAT'S NOT A JUDGE THAT'S A SUCCUBUS TAKEN HUMAN FORM KILL HER BEFORE SHE BURSTS FROM HER HUMAN SHELL
I'm back home. Looks like nobody's mowed the lawn in a while. I bet I'll get bitched out about that.
His jacket is a camo jacket.
SIGH
A lone chair parked in the middle of the living room. I'm sure mom doesn't rock in it while she stares at the wall and mutters. That would be crazy!
An army of grandmas lives in this house.
The doilies! The doilies of DOOM.
Konami, take note: Next game should have a hell demon that is based off a doily.
I'm calling it: the soldier isn't real, he's a figment of the creepy kid's imagination. He is a manifestation of the kid's desire to please his father,
who is a former soldier.
CALLING. IT.
Oh good, it's the shite flashlight again. It's like an old friend.
Mom went to the Torgo school of acting.
"I had this dream. I just have a feeling he's in trouble. Don't worry about it." COMFORT SON WINS AGAIN.
New zombie model! He has a vagina face. I AM FORCED YET AGAIN TO REITERATE THAT LADIES ARE NOT THAT SCARY.
To get into the spirit of things, I have pushed over a dress form. Take that, women.
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