WHAT'S GOING DOWN IN CORNWAAAAAAAL

I promised that any person who would offer me a suggestion would receive a reward: I want to thank mrskippy for suggesting Shirley Jackson's The Lottery. I'll be working on that next. In the meantime, here's your picture:

So today I've decided to mix things up a bit and dissect a Poirot story. It's difficult to make fun of Poirot because, frankly, he makes fun of himself

but I wouldn't be doing my internet job if I didn't try.

The Cornish Mystery really highlights something I've only touched on in the past—what the fuck is going on in Cornwall, y'all? The mystery itself is a fairly simple redirection, which Poirot solves by bluffing the shit out of a stupid bad guy. In fact, the bad guy is actually pretty intelligent right up until Poirot needs him to be a moron, which highlights my second point—that Poirot causes contact stupidity.   

Which might very well be the most advantageous secret power for a detective to have.

So catalyst lady shows up at Poirot's house because she suspects that her husband is poisoning her. This wouldn't be a Poirot story if catalyst lady was just being poisoned by her secretary-banging husband, so let's go ahead and dismiss that right off the bat. There are two more people involved in this tale: Hot niece and sexy young dude. Oh, and Catalyst Lady and her husband both receive some sort of money each month. Sexy people, vague romance, and money? Must be an Agatha Christie story.

Guys, I have to be honest here, I'm having trouble really getting into this. I mean, Agatha Christie writes a mean romance with a mystery twist, but she basically makes fun of herself. Unintentionally. This story relies on a bad guy who is both clever and idiotic, the gossiping of a Cornish town, and FUCKING POIROT WAXES HIS GODDAMNED MOUSTACHES AND DRINKS CHOCOLATE.

Fuck. Okay, so Poirot agrees to take this case for some... reason, and he and Hastings decide to follow her, by train, to Cornwall. Catalyst Lady is already dead, let's just get that out of the way. She basically shows up, meets secret bad guy at the train station, and has a load of arsenic just shoved in her face.   

Once Poirot and Hastings WHO COULD HAVE TAKEN THE SAME TRAIN BACK WITH HER BUT NOOOOOOO arrive, they learn of her death. Shock! Awe! Horror! Poirot is so aghast that he starts speaking in french again

Yeah, fuck, I know you're fucking Belgian. Spoilers: No one gives a shit.

They decide to go and meet with Hot Niece, who is also meeting with Sexy Young Dude. Hot Niece admits that Catalyst Lady was under the impression that Sexy Young Dude totally wanted her, but silly auntie, he's actually engaged to Hot Niece! This is seriously a plot point.

Poirot and Hastings leave Cornwall as quickly as they can, because I seriously think that county just gives off murder-vibes, and some time elapses. The next thing you know, Husband is in jail for poisoning his wife. I thought I said that wasn't actually what happened? Yeah, well, the police don't realise they're in an Agatha Christie story.

Sexy Young Dude meets up with Poirot again and moans a bit about how awful it is to have a future relative in jail for murder. Poirot agrees, and tells SYD to just go ahead and admit that he was the one who killed Catalyst Lady in the first place. SYD laughs and then becomes rightfully angry, storming out. I mean really, he doesn't need this shit in his life right now, am I right?

Wait, no, I was reading a story that isn't about stupid people for a second. No, SYD sits around so that Poirot can detail for him his needlessly complicated murder plan. It goes as follows:

Please remember that Poirot has ZERO EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THIS WILD SUPPOSITION. No, all he has is his fortune-telling moustache and because he has seen many murders like this before. And yet, somehow, he manages to convince this idiot man-child that he is totally gonna tell on him unless he signs a goddamned motherfucking cunty-ass murder confession WHAT THE FUCKING HELL OKAY THE DUDE SIGNS A MURDER CONFESSION BECAUSE POIROT LOOKS AT HIM FUNNY.

That's it. That is seriously the end of this story.   

Second verse, same as the first

so check it

watson is pretty much a pimp

I know what you're thinking

you're thinking

“i like pie a whole lot”

well stop it

pie is pretty good

but we're talking about watson

so watson has gotten a bad reputation

thanks to movies mostly

I mean basil rathbone has a lot to answer for

in that respect

but people think watson is like

fat

and

old

and possibly retarded

but he's really like

a suave and generally suntanned doctor

what lady wouldn't want to marry a doctor?

A dumb lady

anyway the noble bachelor

starts with watson hanging around baker street

waiting to get married

and he casually mentions that hey

he didn't go out that day because

he has a bullet lodged in his leg

FUCKING BADASS

I TOLD YOU

so holmes wanders in

and watson straight up starts making fun of his mail

SUCK IT HOLMES

WHO IS WRITING TO YOU NOW

PROSTITUTES PROBABLY

WAIT NO

WHAT IS MORE EMBARRASSING

SOME DUDE WHO SELLS FISHES

OR MAYBE A LORD

wait that isn't all that funny

but yeah it is a lord

sorry holmes

lord st simon had a wedding

but it didn't go that well

like the cake was coconut

who the fuck eats coconut cake

at a wedding

scandalous

also his wife sort of ran out on him

after the wedding

no biggie

so lord simon asks holmes to

you know

find his missing wife

who is an american

and you all know how those americans can be

wink wink

but seriously simon would like to see her again

also her name is hattie

wait

hold up

hattie?

Okay listen

I understand this was a different time

and some woman

who was not a mental patient

named her two sons sherlock and mycroft

I mean major prank there

but hattie?

Hey lads

try checking the local clerks office

she is probably just filing a name change

christ

holmes is on the case!

Oh wait so is lestrade

by the way

don't forget

lestrade is also on the case

hahahaha

everyone has a bit of a laugh over this

spoilers

lestrade is basically useless

so holmes and watson hang around and wait

for lord st simon to show up

and they read newspapers

while they wait

YOU COULD CUT THE TENSION WITH A KNIFE

and then lord st simon shows up

we will call him simon from now on

it is shorter and also a little rude

spoilers

simon is basically a dick

simon tells them that the marriage went off without a hitch

except for the bit where his wife

flung her flowers at some dude in the church

for no reason

no biggie

and then after the wedding

some prostitute that he was boning showed up

at his house

and threatened to kill his wife

no biggie

and then she disappeared!

What could possibly have happened

also simon mentions a few times that

you know

his wife is an AMERICAN

and said weird AMERICAN things

so she probably just came over all AMERICAN

after realising what an english stud she'd managed to pick up

oh

also

hattie

hahahaha

sorry

hattie was rich

super rich

but simon married her out of love

promise

also she was half his age

love!

So

said simon

to holmes

I understand this is a really thorny problem

and also you are probably all overcome because you are speaking to a lord

it happens

I won't tell

but help a brother out

but holmes has got it

IN THE BAG

and he is all like yeah

no sweat

I got it figured out

also I am used to working with kings

just throwing that out there

dick

and simon is like

haha

you won't be able to help me

and walks out

THEN WHY HIRE HIM

SERIOUSLY

WE HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT YOU ARE A DICK

BUT ARE YOU STUPID AS WELL

BECAUSE YOU JUST ADMITTED TO HIRING A DETECTIVE

WHEN YOU DON'T THINK HE CAN SOLVE THE CASE

dick

so then lestrade shows up

and everyone has a major fucking party

I mean orgasms just

everywhere

it's lestrade

wooooo

no seriously lestrade is basically comic relief

that isn't funny

so lestrade shows up and right away is all

so I have been doing man's work

today

manly work

sifting through the thames

that's what men do

when they're looking for bodies

and holmes is all haaaaaaahahahaha

and lestrade is like what?

And holmes is all haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha

and lestrade is like WHAT?

And holmes is like are you really looking for the dead body of hattie

aka

mrs st simon

in the river?

Look said lestrade

I have GOT THIS

and even though you have solved all of my cases

so far

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SNIDE TO YOU

and also I have this wedding dress we pulled out of river

there isn't a body in it

per se

but I am pretty confident that a body was near it at some point

so there

also there is this piece of paper with the initials

FHM on them

and even though there are literally millions of people on earth

with those initials

they sort of look like the initials of that prostitute

and that is all I need to declare that we are looking for a DEAD LADY

and then lestrade walks out

and holmes says haaaaaaahahahahaha

and then holmes walks out

and then watson hangs around and practices his kung fu

look

it

it's implied

SO ANYWAY

LATER THAT NIGHT

some people show up and set up a MYSTERY DINNER for five people

I don't mean the dinner is a mystery

it's pretty obviously like, duck

and whatever else rich people at the time ate

I mean the reason behind the dinner is a mystery

DUN DUN DUN

holmes comes back and he's all

watson

stop it

with the kung fu

you can do that later

right now we have to listen for the door to ring

DRAMATICALLY

and it does and it is simon

dick

and simon is all

wha

ho

wha

you

I

and holmes is all I told you so

and then the door rings again

DUN DUN DUN

and it's hattie

who did not get a name change

but did find her sort of dead first husband

RECORD SCRATCH

so yeah hattie had been married

in secret

to this AMERICAN

who had the sort of bad manners that americans are known for

and had gone off and died

except he had not died but had been captured

like you do

by indians

and came back just in time to see his wife getting married

to some english dick

AND THEN THEY HAVE DINNER

except simon who is all upset at having lost all that money

and also his wife I GUESS

so the moral is

don't be lestrade

who is probably still sifting through the thames

to this day.

It only gets better

Why are you here and not here?
Just saying

The dying detective
is not exactly a mystery story in the strictest sense
it is a story
about a detective
who is dying

Pretty simple

anyway, the story starts out with watson straight up trashing holmes
look, holmes and watson were obviously the greatest of friends
and not in a wink wink kind of way
so do not link me to your fanfiction
or you can I guess, I need a new porn to make fun of
but Watson will take any excuse to browbeat holmes

case in point
the first two pages are all about how
mrs hudson is a literal saint for putting up with holmes
who shoots revolvers indoors
and has a severe disguise addiction
but it's probably okay
since holmes makes sure she is PAID
and then somehow that leads into holmes dying
if it were me the dying part would come first
but whatever

so mrs hudson has been sent to fetch watson
because holmes is being strange again
and watson immediately drops everything to rush over
this is a fairly consistent thing for watson
his life is pretty much based around dropping everything
to run off with holmes
and play
YOU PUT THAT FANFICTION DOWN THIS INSTANT

but in this case it's totally justified because holmes
is straight up sick
and not only is he sick
but he is humorously nasty to watson
maybe it's a side-effect?
Oh doctor my throat is all sore
and I have a fever
and you have a jerky face

so holmes has refused to see any other doctor besides watson
and he reacts almost violently to the idea of other doctors
and watson seems so happy
you know, in a somber way
that his friend trusts him that much

but NO
holmes lies there and basically refuses to be treated
and trashes watson
and the whole concept of watson being a doctor
watson maybe you are a doctor of SUCKING
like holmes was so insistent that watson show up
just so he could totally dump on his only friend
right before he dies
I'm surprised he wasn't racist as well
oh watson maybe you got a medical degree
because ALL SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE MEAN WITH MONEY
haha
zing

so far in this story we have two men being childishly mean to each other
and one man acting all crazy while dying
so why not throw some raving in there as well?
And I guess I could actually reveal the plot
such as it is
the plot being that watson is trapped in a room with a crazy man
who acts crazy
there is your fucking plot synopsis

holmes has agreed that watson can go get a doctor
but not a real doctor
and not watson
cause seriously fuck you kilt-man
but some specific doctor to be named at 6 pm
6 pm sharp
until then you can just sit right the fuck down, watson
and listen to holmes rave about oysters

shit
this is the best part of the story
half-crowns are involved too
I don't even know what the fuck a half-crown is
some english thing
holmes is just seriously losing his shit
eyes rolling in the back of his head and all

and then BING BONG BING BONG it's 6
go fetch Culverton Smith
no he's not a doctor
just do it
or I'll throw my crazy at you
since watson is fairly dutiful he does this
and mister culverton smith does his damnedest to be as creepy as possible
oh holmes is sick is he
hahahahaha I mean oh no
yes I will go and see him
so I can gloat
I-I mean whatever the opposite is
and watson sees nothing wrong with this
i do not understand characters sometimes
i mean this guy
is practically wearing a shirt that says
I AM THE BAD GUY
whatever

watson runs back to holmes
who forces him to hide behind the bed
and watson, being a reasonable adult, refuses this insane--
I mean wait, he does exactly that
damnit watson

and then culverton
man I love that name
culverton shows up and does a typical villian rant
MWA-HA-HA-HA HOLMES IS DYING
AND IT IS BECAUSE OF ME
I SENT YOU A BOX THAT HAD A DISEASE IN IT
AND NOW YOU ARE DYING

and holmes says
gotcha, motherfucker
so yeah, it was all a ruse
and the illness was all some clever makeup
and the police come and drag culverton away
culverton culverton culverton
and holmes sort of apologises to watson
all, well of course you couldn't come near me, you would have seen the makeup
and everyone has a good laugh

and then watson starts punching holmes
while weeping
the end