Game Review: Secrets of Me

Dogenzaka Labs warning: I love these games, but they are very trashy, and in some cases sexually explicit. Don't walk into them expecting a literary masterpiece.

Link to game on steam: Secrets of Me on Steam
Link to game in the app store: Secrets of Me on Google Play
You Apple folks are on your own, I don't know shit about Apple.


For anyone who is unaware, otome games are essentially visual novels that are tailored towards women. That means that you can expect 3 things: you can expect a plot, you can expect romance, and you can expect implied physical affection. Since the stable "otome games" can house a fairly diverse herd of products (I'm so proud of that metaphor), the actual implied physical affection piece ranges anywhere from "and then they hugged" to "he ran his hands up my thigh and I felt a jolt of electricity run through me". Secrets of Me (and, in fact, all of the Dogenzaka Labs games) tends towards the latter.

Fair warning: I'm probably going about this in the wrong way, because Secrets of Me is easily my favorite Dogenzaka Labs game. I imagine that there's some sort of marketing secret, where you don't introduce your audience to the best product first, in order to keep them from being disappointed with the later offerings. On the other hand, I'm not involved in marketing this game, so I don't give a fuck. Sorry, Dogenzaka Labs.

Secrets of Me follows the exploits of a young lady who, after a lifetime of being overweight and extremely plain, decides to use all the money she saved up from not dating to get extensive plastic surgery. She's now one of the beautiful people, and fit to be engaged to a beautiful man who she apparently agreed to marry prior to the opening of the game. The only problem is that she doesn't seem to know much more about him besides his name. Solution? Stalking! The problem? The thing she finds out is that he's actually a scam artist who is no longer interested in her now that she's used all her money. Oh no!

If all that seems confusing, don't worry--it's just the prologue. If all of that sounds an awful lot like the plot of a soap opera, congratulations--you know what you're getting into. Secrets of Me is basically a visual novel version of a Korean soap opera. It's a Japanese made game, but I don't watch Japanese soap operas, so you'll have to live with the comparison.

After the prologue, you as the player are given a choice of 5 different guys that you can romance (don't worry, the scummy ex-fiance isn't one of them). You briefly meet all of them in the prologue, but in the interest of brevity I didn't list that part. The 5 romances are extremely diverse, and have a little something for everyone--because of this though, I found that they ranged from "extremely fun and good" to "Ok, I guess". Everyone's opinion on which story fits where on that scale is going to be a little different.

I want to mention one of my favorite things about this game: the main character is absolutely adorable. She's an adult, but she's extremely naive and has no experience with romance or men in general (but in a very narrative appropriate way). She's spunky and a bit stubborn, and falls in love very easily. She can also be kind of creepy (I'll get to that in a moment) but it always comes off as being a product of her innocence. She's just sweet and endearing. I love her.

This game itself has two separate gimmicks: one is that our main character stalks each of her potential lovers (I did warn you), and the other is that the lovers in question are all involved in relationships. As I mentioned, the stalking itself never crosses the line into being genuinely uncomfortable, and each guy more or less consents to it in a fashion (I can't explain it any better than that).  In fact, the game constantly uses the word stalking, but I really hesitate to even describe a lot of her actions in that way. As far as the existing relationships thing goes, it's as expected for a soap opera-esque game. Since none of the existing relationships are good or healthy, it's okay for the main character to proceed. She does feel guilty though.

For some of the downsides: the art is... passable, but not exactly brilliant. The translation is pretty good (I laughed at several well written jokes/scenes) but is still a bit sketchy in parts. There are also a couple of places where something happened and two sentences are outright mashed together. However, I enjoyed my overall experience with each story so much that those translation issues never bothered me.

As far as the guys go? Well, like I alluded to, there's something for everyone. My personal favorite is the brilliant doctor with a wicked sense of humor, swiftly followed by the guy who used to bully the main character in high school (or did he?????). My least favorite is the rich guy, as that's the only story that pretty much proceeds exactly like you think it's going to.

Final verdict? Secrets of Me is the only Dogenzaka Labs game that I can, in good conscience, recommend that you buy at full price. Do it.

Oh

I haven't updated this blog in over 2 years.

I'm not even sure what to do with it anymore, though I am pleased to note that I can go back to some of my old entries and still feel a small amount of joy over the writing. I like to imagine that to be the goal of most writers. I'm not one, but still.

I gave up writing after losing what little confidence I had in my abilities, but recently I decided to get back into it. I've put together a story outline, and we'll see how far I get. But I've made up my mind to do it as a NaNo piece, so I'm trying to hold off on actually writing anything for that specifically until November.

What should I do until then? Hmmmm. I was going to play a horror game again this month, but I've gotten trapped in the world of trashy romance (visual novel) games. Should I write about those? I don't really have a following anymore, so I can't exactly poll the crowd. I guess I'm just thinking out loud, so to speak.

I'll think about it.

Silent Hill: Homecoming Roundup

I decided to do a master post of all the Silent Hill: Homecoming posts. You're welcome, the absolutely nobody who still reads this blog.
________________

Hey cats and kits, what's happening?  A lot's been going on here, none of which is particularly interesting. 

What is interesting is that it's October!  And in October, I brave the forces of my extremely wimpy nature and play a horror game.  This year I've chosen Silent Hill: Homecoming, and as a change of pace, I will write up a nice, slightly muddled post about the story.  Think of it as cliff notes for weird games.
Until that time, I'm going to post a list of notes and thoughts that I've jotted down while playing the game.  Warning: they may not all make sense, even IN context.
~~

Starts in a creepy hospital.  Voice acting is surprisingly good.
We're going to take this guy and experiment on him.  Better give him a torch.
OH GOD CEILING CORPSE
Why is the mirror bleeding?  Well, there's a knife in it, obviously.
Hell waited until I had a weapon before opening a portal.  That's considerate.
OUT OF NOWHERE A WHEELCHAIR
Stab a door open.  It's a spine.  Except then it becomes a fleshy open portal with teeth.
Here's the thing, repressed sexual aggression was James' problem.  Why is this soldier trying to find his brother being plagued by sexual metaphors.
I should probably watch the opening cinematic.
There was a bug on my face and I couldn't tell.
But thanks for letting me know I got an achievement there, xbox.
Couldn't decide if i wanted to go down the hallway or through the door.  Turns out the hallway just had an achievement.
How do you feel about beating up a bunch of women, soldier?  Do you feel like a man?
Creepy boy has asked me for a toy.  Yeah kid, I'll get your devil toy for you.
A toy was just pulled through a gaping, bleeding gash.  Really?
...really?
And I have to stick my hand in it!  I get attacked, of course. 
VAGINAS ARE NOT THAT SCARY, YOU GUYS
This torch is shit. Who the hell made this torch? I want to complain to the manager.
Somebody get hell's manager, I need to complain about this torch.
I get it, 100 doors I can't open is very spooky.  It also means I can't find my way so that I get lots and lots of time to listen to your foley man try to scare the piss out of me.
IT'S WORKING BY THE WAY
AW JESUS KID DON'T RUN AWAY AGAIN man fuck you. 
I really need to watch the opening cinematic.
WHATWHATWHAT THE FUCK
it was a dream.  He was dreaming. 
Oh shit, this IS the opening cinematic. 
EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME WAS THE BIT BEFORE THE OPENING CINEMATIC.
"Good luck, soldier." says the creepy truck driver.  He failed to add "Hope we can do that again some time" while looking wistful.
Gay jokes!  Always funny.
So in the dream of hell that I had I picked up a knife, a first aid kit, and a health drink.  I started, for some reason, with a radio and a torch.Back in the real world, I have everything except the torch and the radio.  O... kay then.
I guess that torch was recalled for being shite.
All the doors in this town are broken.  A proper locksmith could make a killing.
OH GOD THE FACIAL ANIMATIONS ARE THEY DEMONS FROM HELL OH GOD
THAT'S NOT A JUDGE THAT'S A SUCCUBUS TAKEN HUMAN FORM KILL HER BEFORE SHE BURSTS FROM HER HUMAN SHELL
I'm back home.  Looks like nobody's mowed the lawn in a while.  I bet I'll get bitched out about that.
His jacket is a camo jacket. 
SIGH
A lone chair parked in the middle of the living room.  I'm sure mom doesn't rock in it while she stares at the wall and mutters.  That would be crazy!
An army of grandmas lives in this house.
The doilies!  The doilies of DOOM.
Konami, take note:  Next game should have a hell demon that is based off a doily.
I'm calling it: the soldier isn't real, he's a figment of the creepy kid's imagination.  He is a manifestation of the kid's desire to please his father,who is a former soldier.
CALLING.  IT.
Oh good, it's the shite flashlight again.  It's like an old friend.
Mom went to the Torgo school of acting.
"I had this dream.  I just have a feeling he's in trouble.  Don't worry about it."  COMFORT SON WINS AGAIN.
New zombie model!  He has a vagina face.  I AM FORCED YET AGAIN TO REITERATE THAT LADIES ARE NOT THAT SCARY.
To get into the spirit of things, I have pushed over a dress form.  Take that, women.
______________________

Where we left off last: mom's catatonic, the mayor is obviously a monster in a human suit, and the main character is almost likely a figment of the creepy child's imagination.  Smashing.
Hmmm, it appears as if I'm waiting on a scripted event of some kind.  Guess that means I get to walk back into every single room!
Great, now I'm in a cemetery.  This day just gets better and better.
Hello fanservice devil dogs!
Pyramid Head shows up, doesn't he?  Fuck.
I'm not particularly frightened of Pyramid Head, I'm just not understanding how he fits in the theme of this iteration.
We've got vagina face, sexy nurses, devil dogs... in a game that focuses around two sons and an overbearing military father.  If you can't figure out how to make monsters based off a military obsession mixed with a father that witholds love, then I don't know how to help you.
But a fear of women mixed with an attraction to women DOES NOT WORK.
Unless soldier boy here is secretly attracted to his mum.
...I will apologize if the main character is secretly attracted to his mum.
Health drink in the middle of a cemetery.  Not complaining.
What is a health drink, anyway?  I'm rather picturing a bottle of Naked Juice that's not yet out of date.  Alex picks it up and thinks "YES, I love green machine."
Having considered it, I have also decided that I will apologize if one of the enemies turns out to be a military airplane made of skin with angry eyes.
This cemetery is crawling with foley artists.
That inside out dog really did not like my throat.
"Climb down" man, fuck you
no I will not climb down into a nest of bugs
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
There sure are a lot of graves in this cemetery.  Depressing.
Thought for later: cemeteries could use more fairground games.
I JUST WANT THE CEMETERY BIT TO BE OVER BEFORE THE SKELETONS HAPPEN
oh god now everyone knows that I am unnecessarily afraid of living skeletons.
THANK GOD FINALLY
Alex is looking for his missing little brother, Joshua.  Alex just passed a dumpster and commented that something 'smelled like it had died'.  Uh.
Not to be morbid, but maybe you should check in that dumpster, dude.
Well well well, it's Alex's ex-girlfriend.  Sexy!
Oh christ.
How long is this extremely awkward conversation going to continue?
blah blah blah blah just give me the walkie talkie.  Your subtext of betrayed hurt doesn't bother me.
I'M BATMAN!
Wait, no, I'm still Alex.  False alarm.
"There's a lot of stuff piled here.  I guess Curtis isn't expecting visitors." well, or Curtis is protecting himself from the legions of skin dogs.  Also, who the hell is Curtis?
Oh.
THAT'S Curtis.
You're pretty sure that gun is broken, Alex.  You were in the military, and you're PRETTY sure that gun is broken?
Oh god Alex, at least hold the gun like you know what you're doing with it.
What are you going to do, pistol whip all the demons to death?
You know what?  I think I'm going to need to see some military ID or something.
Okay, so you have a walkie talkie, you have military training.  Impress me.
"Hello?"  Okay, or just keep being Alex.
Holy shit, soundtrack, calm down.
What, have you got NIN playing back there or something?
Alex isn't comfortable hunting demons unless he has With Teeth on repeat.
So I have to go... back into the cemetery?
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
New monster time! I am grateful that it isn't a vagina monster.
coffin rumbling coffin rumbling WHY IS THE COFFIN RUMBLING
OH GOD A MONSTER'S GOING TO POP OUT AND it's a watch
There's a watch in a coffin.
Maybe it's a DEMON WATCH?
Actually it is a demon watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in Silent Hill.  It is... well, it's not that much different from Shepherd's Glen, really.
Silent Hill has new and exciting doors that refuse to open for me.
I like that the map helpfully points out which doors won't open.  Cheers, mate.
Aw shit.
Come on thankfully not a vagina monster, why you gotta play me like that?
Why does the elevator make a squelching noise?
I hate this game.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS
ARGH I HATE THIS GAME
I have found a hole in a door that has a lady's voice.  She seems nice.  I think we're dating.
and there's Pyramid Head!
CALLED IT
He walked over, stared at me in a way that made it obvious that he saw me, and then walked off.
And 100 fanboys just orgasmed.
Here's a new enemy--a flesh spider.  And spiders are mentioned at one point in the game.  We'll count that as a viable metaphor.
WE HAVE VIABLE METAPHOR, REPEAT, VIABLE METAPHOR
Oh good I got swarmed by nurses that can't be blocked
YAY
FUCK THIS
_________________________

It's always such a pleasure
Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
so instead of a genuinely fun game like Portal, I'm playing Silent Hill: Homecoming.  I get to redo an hour's worth of gameplay because of some goddamned, bitchy nurses.  Bitches.
Oh great, I forgot that hole-in-the-door woman went to the same acting school as mom.
"I wonder who slept in this bed last" I gotta be honest with you buddy, that would be the last thing I would be thinking about in a mouldering, demon infested hotel.
Must be that military training.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
I have played through the same part 3 times. FUCK this game.
I have finally gotten some pistol ammunition, so I can take care of these ladies like God intended.
WITH BULLETS
You don't fool me with your sexy walk, evil demon nurses.
SAVE POINT SAVE POINT
oh man save point, will you marry me?  Ours is a pure, wholesome love.
So after all that, hole-in-the-door lady gives me a key and says thanks.  Uh, really?
Can't a former marine get some love?
What's behind mystery door number 3?!
It's Josh.  Fucking brat. 
So you're telling me after years of military training, not only can Alex not clear that jump, he doesn't possess the upper body strength to hoist himself out of a hole?
The secret ending is that Alex's 'military service' was all a scam to get some VA benefits.
"I wonder what I've fallen into?"  I-it's a dining room, Alex.  There are chairs and tables and plates.  Okay?  It is clearly a dining room.
Alex, are you sure you should be wandering around without a caregiver or something?
That's Mayor Bartlett?
Huh.
Oh, oops.  Bye-bye Mayor Bartlett.
Oh Alex, Jesus can't protect you now.
This giant, clearly-a-boss-monster is very giant and screeching, but what I don't understand is: why is he vomiting up black tar?
Yup, that's the one thing that stands out to me.
Now pardon me while I hide in the closet and cry.
I killed the monster, and it fell down a giant, unending hole.  Huh.  Wonder what that symbolizes.
OH JESUS FUCKING SAVIOUR CHRISTING HELL ALEX ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO STAND BY THE GIANT GATEWAY TO HELL?
hurr durr hurr
Maybe this game will surprise me, and Alex won't fall down the h--...nevermind.
Twat.  Twat.  Idiot.  Useless twat.
I woke up in a jail cell.  In walks a racist caricature.  YAY.
The racist caricature let me out when I told him that the mayor had been killed by a creature.  YAY.
Uh, sir?  There's a giant bloodstain on the floor?  Sir?
...
YAY.
I have no weapons.  There's growling.  Oh god.  Where the fuck are my weapSAVE POINT.
We have to stop meeting like this, save point.
And start meeting like THIS.
Racist caricature died pretty quickly.  Ah well.  We hardly knew ye.
New creatures!  The achievement I get is Split Personality.  DUDE I AM SO CALLING IT, ALEX DOESN'T REALLY EXIST.
________________________

So in my last play through the split face monsters--who, thankfully, don't look like vaginas--swarmed around me and beat me up and called me several unflattering names.  It's now a month later.  Have the wounds healed enough?
I think I've purposely forgotten how to play this game.
So these monsters can rip me in half.  I'm actually impressed by that.
Run run run run RUN
The feeling of terror inspired by a creepy atmosphere and terrifying imagery has been replaced by the feeling of terror inspired by the fear that I'm going to die and have to redo this frankly impossible section.  Those two are basically the same thing, right?
Mini-boss time!  It's a giant lumbering mish-mash of random body parts.  When you kill it, you get an achievement called "Shades of James".  Ha-ha!
Oooooh man, it's funny when developers attempt to improve their shitty game by constantly referencing superior games.
Now annoying ex-girlfriend is with me.  She has a gun, right?  Or a knife?  She's capable of defending herself.  This isn't a escort mission, right?
Okay, now she's cowering.  This doesn't bode well.
Has anyone played Half-Life 2?  Do you remember Alyx Vance, who will kill the zombies for you as you shine your torch on them?  Annoying ex-girlfriend in this game does something similar.  If the zombies attack her--and they do--then she'll cower helplessly and whimper.  Yay!
Do not think I won't just leave this bitch to die.
Also, she's carrying around a stack of missing persons flyers.  You know what?  In a town overrun by hell, I'm not sure the missing people would be my first concern.
I wonder where the people are!  Well, taken away by the hell demons, I imagine.  Speaking of which, what's up with that?
There's a hole in the wall with dead people sticking out of it.  I understand that this is creepy, but it looks like someone was attempting to excavate dead people from the walls.
Maybe I've been playing too much minecraft.
"Oooooh, nice vein of dead people right here.  Anybody bring an iron pickaxe?"
I had to leave her and go find another gate to go through.  I bet she's tweeting about it right now.
"N the sewers lol hop I dun die :))))"
Alex, every time you grunt like an ape when you're just stepping up a small incline, a nearby hell-beast has an orgasm.
Did the army teach you to make so much noise all the damn time, you lumbering hippo?
I just restarted a section because I didn't use my bullets effectively.  See, this is engaging gameplay!
Spider monster out of nowhere!  That was genuinely scary, I jumped and everything!
Can it be?  Is the game redeeming itself in the sewer level?
A giant, placid, grey, underground lake.  Worrisome.
If this game ends up becoming really good, then what will I do?
The only monster that's getting tossed at me are the spider monsters, which are difficult but not impossible.  I am feeling a warmth in my black heart.
A giant crypt room with holes in the walls.  Ominous.
And annoying ex-girlfriend gets stuck in a room by herself again.  Idiot.
You know what? I'm going to let that one go, game.  It's a perfectly reasonable move to make to seperate characters, and it projects the fact that there's probably a battle coming up.  Okay?  But only this once.
THREE SPIDERS YOU ASSHOLE WHAT?
Hahahaha, it turns out that they can't reach me if I stand on the derelict car. I'm the king of the world!
Wait, false alarm.  Still Alex.
And they topped it off with one of those body creatures, who still can't reach me on the car.  Hahahahahaha!
Growing out the back of this creature is a pair of lady's legs.  Are they... are they wearing ballet shoes?
Oh god, I think they are.
I'm in the post-hell invasion landscape of this ruined town, and I still can't bring myself to walk anywhere but the sidewalk.
I'm such a good citizen.
This also means I've emerged from the sewers.  Will the game continue it's not that bad streak?
HEEEEEEEEEEEY racist caricature is still alive!  HEEEEEEEY and annoying ex-girlfriend has been dragged off by demons!  Looks like the good streak continues.
It's the mysterious Doctor Finch!  Dripping blood and limping along.  That seems reasonable.
Alex sees that the doctor is carrying a rusty scalpel and is covered in blood.  He naturally assumes that the doctor has hurt his ex-girlfriend.  In a town filled with demons? 
Alex isn't the brightest bulb in the box.
One, two, three, four, five sexy nurses!  Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Fuck you game.
I used all my bullets for the sexy nurses.
What just happened?
He opens a box, finds a doll, and faints.
Oh, and now we're in hell.
And theeeeere's Josh.  I'm starting to notice a trend in this game.
So I'm in a hospital, in hell.  Gosh, that seems familiar.
Also this game's version of hell seems more like a smelting factory.
The demons make cross beams for high-rises. When they're not invading sleepy Pennsylvania towns, they have a quota to reach.
Playing this level makes me realize something: Somebody has watched the Silent Hill movie.
At any moment I'll pass by a window.  Through it I will see Sean Bean sitting at a table, drinking a coffee.  He'll look up, wave, and turn into Pyramid Head.
That's when the dancing starts.
Josh running away from me in hell count: 3.
Even the most dedicated brother would shoot him at this point.
Just in the back of the leg, you know?  Slow him down a little.
You're really not changing my opinion of the whole smelting thing here, game.
Satan's the foreman.  He'll shout at me over the din of the machinery.
"Ain't seen no kids around here, son.  You best be off, now."
Satan is a good foreman.  Tough, but fair.
He pushes his hard hat back on his head as a quivering vagina monster with teeth slinks by in the background.
The vagina monster's on break.  Don't worry.
"The exit?" he says, surprised "It's just past the puzzle with the rusted fans, through the door that screams while you cut it open."
#NaNoWriMo2011
Josh running away from me in hell count: 4
In case it isn't obvious, absolutely nothing is happening in this game right now.
I spoke too soon.
Doctor Fitch is kneeling in an empty room, cutting himself.  I offer to patch him up.  "I don't want your help!" he hisses "These wounds cannot heal."
You know what?  I laughed at that.
Oh shit!
That's gonna leave a mark.
Boss battle!  So each boss is the hellish representation of a child of one of the prominent townsfolk, right?  This one is a demon doll.  The daughter loved dolls.  Do you get it?
Subtle.
I really have to watch this cutscene multiple times just so I can get to the boss that keeps killing me.  I may never be able to look a pair of boxer briefs in the eye again.
Y-you know what I mean.
DIE BITCH
AAAAAAAAAAAUGH
I finished the boss battle with literally the minimum required amount of health left.  Time to run away from everything.
Run away!  Run away!  Run away!
AAAAAH SAVE POINT
I died immediately after saving, and when I restarted I was given half my life back.  Thanks, game.  I guess you don't have to suck all of my balls.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.  Is this a cult thing?
I found a ceremonial knife and some ancient texts.  This is a cult thing, isn't it?
Something about asking forgiveness from the city founders.  I have never been so into a city that I've been willing to join a devil cult over it.
Maybe I'm missing a lot by not attending the city council meetings.
"Next on our agenda is the issue of who gets to preside over the virgin sacrifice."
Vote Paul Smith for mayor, and he won't have your children ripped to pieces by monsters.
I made my way through a maze that ended in a sparse office underneath a tomb.  Life has gotta suck for that secretary.
"Oh, you know, the pay is good, but I come home every day smelling like corpses."
"And then I woke up last night and the cat was trying to eat my face."
"...of course, he's a cat so it's hard to tell if that's abnormal."
I'm just casually running past all the monsters now.
"Morning smog monster!"  "Morning Alex!  How's the family?"  "Still dead!"
And I'm back in the cemetery.  Brilliant.  I'm going to need a beer for this.
I've finally made it back home.  Mom is still sitting in that chair.  The game won't let me shoot her.
All of the hidden doors in this series are covered by empty bookshelves.  I guess cultists all use the same interior designers.
I can't avoid saying it any longer.  Everyone in this game has chiclet teeth.
Fuck you game, a sliding puzzle?
Fuuuuuuck yooooooh wait I solved it.
Huh.
So mom was kidnapped by gasmask wearing dudes.  As they were trying to leave the house, we entered hell.
I've never actually seen anyone besides the protagonist enter hell before.
They looked pretty pissed about it too.
My house has turned into a hell foundry. 
The secret to what happens after we die is that we all become blue-collar workers.
AIEEEEE
That is a pretty elaborate hell chandelier, actually. 
Forget the puzzles, I'm really digging that chandelier.  Very post-industrial modern.
I mean, you wouldn't want to hang it just anywhere.  It would have to be a really open space, for one.
Oh, right, Silent Hill.
Great. Of all the puzzle houses, mine has to be the worst.
Hehehe, that monster was stabbed in the butt.
There's a lot of vaguely sinister writing on the walls in hell.  I wonder if some demon has that job.
"Okay Timinour, and today you're on graffiti duty."  "Oh but Sataaaaaaan."
I am free from hell.  YAY!
And there's the ex-girlfriend.  GOD DAMN IT.
That's it.  We're going to Silent Hill.
Dun dun DUUUUN.
Now, let's discuss a little Silent Hill history.  In Silent Hill 2 towards the end of the game, James has to row across the fog-covered lake to get to the hotel.  It's easily the creepiest, most genuinely horrifying part of the game--you, the player, are rowing across this desolate lake after being literally to hell and back, no sound but your oars hittig the water.  With each stroke, you become more convinced that a horrible demon that you're ill prepared to fight is going to come rising up out of the water.  In THIS game, we're taking a police boat across the lake towards Silent Hill--the apex of all evil, remember?--and we get a cutscene where Alex and and his ex flirt a bit.  See the difference?
And in this absolutely not at all scary cutscene, the suspicion actually pays off when we get attacked by gas masks again.  Good job! 
Alex takes a punch pretty well, right up to the point where he rolls into the water.  Good one, Alex!
Hey Alex, why don't you yell some more?  I bet the gas mask wearing cult members are having a really difficult time finding you.
Racist caricature and annoying ex-girlfriend are both in prison, but for some reason racist caricature hasn't had his walkie talkie lifted off him.  That makes it really handy for Alex, who likes to broadcast where he is every single step of the way.
"I'M AT THE PRISON GATE!  IT'S LOCKED!  I NEED TO FIND THE BACK ENTRANCE! I'LL SNEAK AROUND THERE!"
Cheers, mate.
Oh my god.
This game has twice directly referenced the Silent Hill movie.
I spit upon you, ptui ptui.
_____________________

The 'new game' on the title screen always amuses me.  Haha Silent Hill!  That will never happen.
So, Alex, if you can jump across that huge gap between buildings, why couldn't you FUCKING CLEAR THAT JUMP IN THE HELL HOTEL, HUH?
You thought you could distract me from the cult members sneaking up on me with the sounds of machinery, did you?  WELL THINK AGAIN.
Bam bam, motherfuckers.
Seriously, this room is really loud.  I really don't think this is up to OSHA standards.
Alex grunts like he's in a bad porn.  C'mon Alex, just take your pants off.
Actually, don't.  Please.
The streets have gotten a lot... oh, what's the word?  Bitier?  Yes.
I'm yet again in a cemetery.  This wall wants to know if I'd like to breach it.
Hell yes!
Once more unto the breach, dear friends!
These smoke monsters should be used in anti-smoking PSAs.
"I'm dead.  Don't smoke."
Health drink sitting on a dumpster.  That's... healthy.
Maybe I have the wrong idea about all these things crawling out of the sewers. 
"I heard you running past and I Wanted to pop out and see if OH GOD MY SKULL."
Just a big misunderstanding.
I am getting really, really discouraged by the fact that there is a prison level.  Maybe it will secretly be good, like the sewer level.
Maybe.
Right?
Racist caricature is shouting at me over the walkie talkie again.
"WHERE ARE YOU?"  "I'M IN CELL BLOCK B!"  "OKAY YOU STAY THERE AND I'LL COME FIND YOU!" "OKAY I HOPE THEY DON'T GET ME BEFORE YOU DO!"  "JUST LAY LOW!"
It's a match made in heaven.
Finally, found a map.
Would you look at this.  Oh no, it's so huge!
Oh, sorry, I was looking through my porn collection again.  Where was I?
What the fuck?
I shot a cult member in the head and apparently it caused him to defecate, because that was NOT the noise a dying man makes.
I really suspect the instructions to the foley artist for that were not "morning poo" but goddamn if he didn't have a vision.
Did I mention that the racist caricature is a cop?  Because the game wants to make sure that you remember that.
A giant hell beast comes crashing through the ceiling.  "You cuff him" intones my not-quite-politically-correct friend "and I'll read him his rights."
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I hate this game.
I'm a little relieved to find out that the morass of wires and switches isn't a puzzle that I have to solve, but a thing that only the racist caricature can control.  I am less pleased that now he won't stop fucking talking to me.
A shower room!
And then I hid in a corner for the rest of the game, the end.
Holy giant flesh spiders, Batman!
I really don't think this place is up to code.
I don't know how you managed to make a hell prison filled with horrors boring Homecoming, but kudos to you for the achievement.
Mom?
Come on mom, this isn't the time to be playing Jesus.
Little spoiler here: from this point forward, I'll be allowed to make a series of decisions that will affect the ending of the game.  This is the first one: mom is tied to a rack, Torgo acting all over the place.  Should I put her out of her misery, or let the hellish machine rip her apart while I hide in a corner and whimper?
Too late, I've already decided.
BULLET IN YOUR HEAD, MOM.
This is the one time where the descent into hell actually makes sense.
Is that a giant green booger in a cage?
No, I'm sorry.  It's a giant green booger in a cage that is also a puzzle.
I think hell prison is actually tidier than the normal prison.
THE MAN WHO DEVISED IT
DOES NOT WANT IT
THE MAN WHO BOUGHT IT
DOES NOT USE IT
THE MAN WHO USED IT
DOES NOT REALIZE IT
Everybody, all together now!
IT'S A FUCKING COFFIN.
The next puzzle is gonna ask me what stands on four legs in the morning...
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Ewwwwwww!
Booger monster is dripping black blood into the hole I'm meant to jump in.  I don't want to jump in that hole!
Alex and the fat man.
Squeeze through that tiny opening, fat man!
Yes, it's very comical.
Sorry, racist caricature is also fat.
Is
Is that
It is!
It's the human centipede!
Now I'm a little curious as to which came first.
Hahahahahahaha
Alex is riding the human centipede monster like he's at a fleshy rodeo.
Giddyup!
Oh good, I'm at the creepy Silent Hill brambles church.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE ISN'T IT WITH THE BRAMBLES AND SUCH
A man is in the confessional and mistakes me for a priest.  Oh-ho, now we're a wacky 80s comedy.
Wait.
WAIT.
The man confesses that he had two sons--one that he treated well and one that he treated poorly.  He treated the one son poorly to 'protect him from what must be done' and he wants forgiveness.
That's my dad, isn't it?
That's my dad and he was going to sacrifice me.
I KNEW IT WAS SOME FUCKING CULT THING.
I am slightly more inclined to believe that Alex is former military after he survived that two-story fall.
OH MY FUCKING GOD ALEX RUN
NO FUCKING
NO RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION
YOU MASSIVE DOUCHE RUN
Wait, maybe that wasn't dad.  Here he is hanging from a railing.
Uuuuuuuuuh.
HAHAHAHAH
I FUCKING CALLED IT.
ALEX WASN'T IN THE MILITARY, HE WAS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.
HAHAHAHAHA actually that explains a lot.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit.  Sorry dad!
Dad just got skewered by Pyramid Head. 
Go and chase after Pyramid Head!  He's contracted to appear in this at least three times.
These stairs never end.  Do you remember Mario64, where the stairs up to Bowser would just go on and on unless you'd collected enough stars?  I don't think Alex has collected enough stars.
Huh.
In previous Silent Hill games the motives behind the town--as a living entity, which it is--tended to be... well, not spelled out. 
This game says fuck all that!
Yeah.
So the four founding members of the town of Shepherd's Glen made a pact with... something for their protection from the something that's in Silent Hill, where they came from.  They were required, once every 50 years, to kill one of their children. 
Fair enough, I suppose.  I know I'd trust an entity that's agreed to protect me from evil by being slightly less evil.
Alex was supposed to be the sacrifice for his family, but his father couldn't do it.  And that's when the... something from Silent Hill unleashed hell on the town? 
So they all decided to go back to worshipping the... something from Silent Hill instead. 
And then a bitchy lady stuck a drill in my leg.
It's okay, I returned the favour.
I was off by about four feet, though.
DRILL THROUGH THE SKULL.
A question for anyone who has played all of the Silent Hill games.  Is the big evil thing in the town something that they accidentally mined up?  Cause I'm really getting the sense that it's something they mined up.
Also this book rather explicitly told me.
The game has rewarded me for hoarding all my ammo and health items by stripping me of all my ammo and health items.  Cheers!
So I'm in this underground cult place, yeah?  It's all infested with cult members who I have to fight because they charge me when they see me and chase me around.  They're not avoidable.
And all I have is a knife because the game is a cunt and has taken all my belongings from me.  Scary, right?
When I target a cult member and quick attack it (A, A, A) he'll circle around me.  The third quick attack knocks him back enough so he can't attack, and then it starts again.
stab, stab, stab, step back, stab, stab, stab
Until he's dead.
HORROR
TERROR
The best part?  If there's two of them, the one you're not engaged with will stand back a bit.
"Oooooh, there's a bit of a fight here, what?"
It's Curtis the junkyard dude again!  Hey Curtis!
Curtis, why are you menacing my ex-girlfriend with a rusty saw?
OOOOOOOOOOH.
Damn Curtis, I thought we had something special!
Curtis went to the same training camp as the other cult members.
Saw blades can't protect you from my killer moves, Curtis!
Stab, stab, stab
I've rescued annoying ex-girlfriend.  That means there are many more door puzzles in my future.
Yeeeeeeeup.
HOT WHEEL TURNING ACTION.
Ex-girlfriend doesn't follow me into certain rooms.  Like, you know, the room where I shoved a drill through her mom's skull.
That'd make the 'thank god we didn't die' sex really awkward.
RACIST CARICATURE!!
ooooooooh jeez.  Um.  Should I... should I pull those knives out or... jeez.
The game gives me the option of saving him or leaving him to his grisly fate.  I elected to save him.  Now he won't stop gurgling.
Jesus dude, I gave you a whole medkit.  what else do you want?
I've tasked annoying ex to take care of racist caricature while I go and rescue Josh, the ungrateful whoreson.
"Be careful" she whispers "I can't lose you too."
I nod, knowingly.
Yeah baby, I know it.
Body bags!  Body bags!  What do you think's in these body bags!  Is it dead!  Bodies or... not.
To be sung to the tune of Spiderman, duh.
I've entered what is clearly a chamber of some sort.
Sorry, a Chamber.
DUN DUN DUUUUN
Wait a moment.  I'm in Silent Hill, right?  These are the infamous Silent Hill mines.  So why is there a chamber dedicated to the Shepherd's Glen founding members?
I mean, they left the town and needed to be protected from the horrible gods of Silent Hill.  Wouldn't they be thought of as cast-outs?
It's the Exposition Chamber.
Boy, Alex sure gets into a lot of places with that ceremonial knife.  You wouldn't think they'd just leave that laying around.
Alex, why is it taking you so long to read this plaque? 
And you're using your forefinger to trace the... oh, Alex.
Illiteracy is nothing to be ashamed of.
Flashback time!
Oh.
OH.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
Alex killed Josh.
Josh is dead.
Fuck.
Well, I was half right.
Also, good.  Little brat.
I think it's the final boss!
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?
It's a baby with mechanical spider legs.
I give up.  Show's over.  There's nothing worse than this.
It's a fucking baby with mechanical fucking spider legs.
This is the most boring, idiotic, abysmal, repetitive boss fight that ever existed.
God didn't give you a dodge button so you could douche around, Alex.
Oh, I'm sorry.  It wasn't a giant baby.  It was a pregnant baby.  And it gave birth to Josh.
Um, are you just gonna leave your brother's corpse there, Alex?
Litterbug.
So, um.
So Alex mentions to loads of people throughout the game that he's there to save Josh.  Did no one think to remind him that Josh was murdered?
By, you know, him?
It doesn't matter because he limps off into the grey fog with annoying ex-girlfriend!
And I, for some reason, unlocked the Big Rig Alex costume.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Gay jokes!
The end.